Venting Realisation

[Lone_Traveler90]

It's been 30+h after my failed attempt after which I decided to wait for my SN to arrive.
I am sitting here, locked in my apartment completely detached from my body.
I am analyzing my whole life and everything that went wrong to bring me to this point in life. Most of you are here because of something outside your control.
I realized I am here because of me. Everything bad that happened to me in my life, every amazing oportunity I lost is because of me. I messed every single thing. Life gave me all those oportunities and I sabotaged every single one of them one after another.
I am looking for a peaceful way out but I do not deserve it. I deserve the pain. Before I leave this world I have to understand and feel the pain and terror.
Many people never get any good chances in life and many get them but do not deserve them.

I hate myself. I just had to get it out, sorry.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be painful and hard to deal with having so much regret and self hatred, but still I hope that you eventually find the freedom that you are looking for. It sounds awful to me having to go through a failed attempt. That is exactly what I fear.

 

[Ireallysuck999]

I don't know what to do I want my SN back!

 

[Lone_Traveler90]

I don't know what to do I want my SN back!

I am sorry this happened to you

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. Not that I want to go all psychoanalyst on you but- only of you feel up to answering- why do you think you self sabotage? Is that in itself your fault? Or has that behaviour come about as a reaction or defence to something?

I do get where you are coming from. There are some truly horrific stories on here. Some really heartbreaking lives. I also feel that- comparatively- my life hasn't had quite the amount of trauma that some poor people have gone through. I know part of my problem is- I'm just not willing to put in the effort to change.

Still- I don't entirely blame myself for all of it. There are reasons I am the way I am- and not all of them are my fault. I could be wrong but it feels like you're putting all the blame on you when maybe your life has made you this way?

Either way- I'm sorry you are suffering so much.