Ready to make my final plans

[brokensea]

I posted a while back that my ex was threatening to commit suicide if I did. I really didn't want him to die. He also has kids. He did some pretty scary stuff to show me he was serious. Every day I had to stay around was really hard. But I did it for him.

Fast forward to today he said he's tired of me putting him down and us arguing and it's toxic etc etc I think he's a pretty much horrible human being to me and I have a lot of pain because of what he did to me but I won't go into the details as it's on many of my other posts. He said he no longer wants to talk to me. I told him I had been staying alive for him and he promised to always be here for me. It's funny how people just say whatever and they don't mean it.

I'm in a terrible state of mind. Stomach feels like it's twisting and burning. Really can't tell you how much pain I feel in my heart and my body. Had moments I forgot to think or how to speak.

I really thought I'd finally found someone who loved me and he broke all his promises to me including the last one to be here for me always.

I'm really tired. I've had a horrible life. No one could really live through it or manage it. It's too much for one person.

I honestly am at the point I don't care if he dies if I do. It's his decision. He doesn't care enough to even talk to me anymore knowing I'll die. I guess loves fleeting wings.

Going to buy some SN and plan it out. Have some Zofran not sure if it's enough to prevent vomiting. Plan to fast. Will look up the right dosage soon.

I really look forward to leaving now. There's only so much pain someone can tolerate and endure. I find no joy or pleasure in anything and haven't for two years now. Nothing interests me. I'm completely alone and I don't really care about anyone anymore. No one has ever truly loved me in my whole life. All I have are horrific memories and pain when I look back at my life.

Sometimes I like to think I'm going to some better place. I know I'll probably just cease to exist but anything is better than here. I can't even put myself together enough to research and do anything today but I'm hoping to finally get off this horrible world soon.

Just been staring at nothing for hours today. Really can't wait for peace. For this pain, this life to finally be over.

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly sounds like you've suffered so much and it's very understandable wishing for freedom from the pain that existing brings. I believe that there could never be any peace from suffering to be found in this world as long as one exists here, so I hope that you find what you are searching for.

 

[Shadowlord900]

Dunno if I'm late posting this but:

Going to buy some SN and plan it out. Have some Zofran not sure if it's enough to prevent vomiting. Plan to fast. Will look up the right dosage soon.

Zofran's a pretty good antiemetic. I've heard it's often used for chemotherapy, so it must be powerful stuff if it's used for that.

Don't worry too much about vomiting, because it can still happen even to people that take metoclopramide or domperidone. The more important thing is to make sure you make 1-2 backup glasses of the same dose as the first one so you can drink those if in case you still vomit despite taking an antiemetic.

Also I recommend following @littlelady774's formula for how much SN you should take according to your weight:

The LD50 is 180mg per kg body weight. LD50 is the amount of a material, given all at once, which causes the death of 50% (one half) of a group of test animals.
In other words, those test animals had a 50% chance of dying at the given dose.

To make it 100%, we would do:
180 x 2 x body weight in kg

At your weight (70kg) you would've needed exactly 25 grams of SN for ~ 100% chance of ctb.

At 70 kg, If you only took about 10 grams of SN, you only had about a 40% chance of ctb.

Hope that clears things up for you

 

[PrettyKitty]

I'm so sorry my ex did similar shit, you don't deserve this pain. I really hope you change your mind because you seem like a really nice person who deserves the world. I hope you get help but if it gets to much I do wish you have a peaceful way out <3 Much love!

 

[Galileo3630]

I'm so sorry my ex did similar shit, you don't deserve this pain. I really hope you change your mind because you seem like a really nice person who deserves the world. I hope you get help but if it gets to much I do wish you have a peaceful way out <3 Much love!

I second this, you're not meant to die just cause some shitty boy treated you wrong. You're supposed to CTB on your own terms, when you feel like you're truly ready to leave this mess of a world behind, or at least that's how I see it. Re-consider, because your toxic ex doesn't deserve the satisfaction.

 

[brokensea]

Thank you @PrettyKitty and @Galileo3630. I was getting older and it was my last chance to have a baby and the doctor said I had a limited time left but things looked good and we were supposed to start a life together and he left me for another woman on top of everything else and it was my dream to have kids. It's too late now for that to happen. It's really the last dream of my life that has been crushed. I've had more horrible things happen to me than I can even comprehend my entire life and now there's no future for me or the family I wanted. I don't have anyone I care for anymore or feel close to. I don't feel like anyone has ever loved me and I feel humans are so cruel. I feel people who love you forget you, or kindness you are shown is so you can just be used. I've felt alone my entire life. So horribly alone. I've went through horrific abuse and poverty as a child. So many abandonments, cruelty and it continued on throughout my life. You can only get beat down so many times over and over your whole life and I just have no strength or will to keep trying and there's nothing anymore to look forward to. Nothing makes me happy. There's nothing I want to do. There's nothing I want to achieve. Everything is gone and lost inside me taken away by everyone. The pain I'm in is unbearable to live with. Its torture and so much bigger than I can even contain inside me and it is something I can't even describe that I feel everywhere in my body that hurts beyond comprehension. I feel like I could scream and cry forever and it would never release this pain inside me.
Thank you for all that information @Shadowlord900 and thank you for your comment @FuneralCry.