Venting Ready to die, not ready to CTB

[CuddleHug]

I'm tired of everything. Tired of life, tired of trying to recover, tired of living for others. Yet I'm also tired of contemplating my own death. Tired of planning, preparing, worrying about failure. Why can't I just... die? A freak accident, getting hit by something heavy when walking past the construction site nearby, having a deadly aneurysm rupture or slipping on ice and hitting my head in just the right way. Something. Anything.

Why does it matter how I die or whether it's by my own hand or something beyond my control? Because I'm ashamed of myself for wanting to end my life. Because, somehow, dying with the knowledge I am going to hurt my family intentionally, scares me. Well, not intentionally, of course, but through an action I chose to take. That somehow makes me the villain, the weak and feeble-minded woman who gave in to the dark thoughts in her head, who didn't care about the pain she caused everyone around her. To all those who wanted her to live.

Who wanted her to live. I'm honoured, but no thank you. I've lived for others long enough, isn't it time I took my life in my own hands... and extinguished it? Because that's what I want to do. Yet I can't bring myself to do it.

It's like I'm too tired, too indifferent, to actually bother doing it. Like most things in our universe, I'm taking the path of least resistance. Because for some inexplicable reason, doing nothing is easier than killing myself. Suffering through my pain is easier than ending it. After all, I'm so used to it by now that one more day doesn't make a difference. Or two, or three... and then I forgot where I was and it's just another day again.

I'm rambling. It's what I do best in these moments. Crack my head open and let the incoherent thoughts spill out. That way I make room for new thoughts, at least for a while. I'm done for today, thank you for reading, whatever that's worth.

Hugs~

 

[deltaofvenus]

When I have moments like this, I often think how amazing it would be to just decide to die, and then it happens. Almost like a robot, you make the decision, and then your brain is shut down.

I would contribute more to this reply, but I've got a migraine. Just want you to know I read it all, and I'm sending you love. I hope your suffering eases soon, friend. <3

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Damn I felt that, it would be nice if I randomly died in an accident maybe getting hit by a truck or bus without having time to even register what is going on just instant death.

It's like I'm too tired, too indifferent, to actually bother doing it. Like most things in our universe, I'm taking the path of least resistance. Because for some inexplicable reason, doing nothing is easier than killing myself. Suffering through my pain is easier than ending it. After all, I'm so used to it by now that one more day doesn't make a difference. Or two, or three... and then I forgot where I was and it's just another day again.

Especially this part I really understand, if you were to put all my current physical and mental problems at 20 years old years old I wouldn´t be able to take it all at once but the problems has gotten worse more and more by each passing year so I kind of adapt to my new "life"

I am 26 now and I have done nothing for the last 6 years and haven´t had any friends not really, days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and months turn into years it´s like I just blinked and suddenly I am here and before I can even blink again I will wake up as 30 year old it is so scary how fast time speeds up as we get older a year as a teenager seems to last such a long time and as a child a year seemed to last forever I mean it´s already Maj for god sake it feels like it was just New Years Eve but almost half the year is gone already and I only suffer more and more.

Maybe I should just grow some balls and pull that trigger one of these days I only suffer anyways and I want to be a child so I hate seeing everyone getting older and everything change. And yes suffering through the pain seems easier than to end my life even though it seems so hard to believe but I am still here so it must be true I am so tired of repeating this vicious cycle of suffering and isolation because I don´t have any friends. People used to look up to me, my friends and my little brothers now they are way ahead of me in life and everyone probably think I am pathetic. Everyone I know has become so mature, responsible and grown up while I still act like a teenager in many aspect.

When I have moments like this, I often think how amazing it would be to just decide to die, and then it happens. Almost like a robot, you make the decision, and then your brain is shut down.

I often think something similar to this whenever I hold a gun to my head because we are essentially biologically machines all our movements are controlled by electric impulses so the brain is just a computer so holding a gun to the head is like instantly shutting down the computer if I pull the trigger.