BojackHorseman
The View From Halfway Down
- Feb 8, 2023
- 146
I've been reading the Bridgerton series. I'm on the 5th book "To Sir Phillip, With Love" about Eloise and Phillip Crane. I never thought this series would be a trigger for me... I inteded it to be a pleasant distraction, as I feel about most entertainment. I absolutely detest sad shows/movies/books. Real life is bad enough, last thing I want to do is see more. Those things are meant to be happy distractions, atleast thats how I see it.
BOOK SPOILERS AHEAD
Sir Phillip had married Marina Thompson. She was originally engaged to his older brother, but he died, leaving his estate and therfore his fiance with his brother Phillip. Obviously they werent in love. They had a set of twins together. To summarize, she had severe post partum depression. She already had depression it seems since she was a child, but developing postpartum was the final straw. She killed herself, tried to drown herself in a lake but was rescued, just to succumb to pneumonia from breathing nasty lake water. The twins were about 7.
My husband loves a good romance. He has watched Bridgerton with me, he also enjoyed Queen Charlotte the most. He reads Under the Oak Tree with me on the Manta app. I was telling him how I felt about this book.... that I wasnt comfortable with how Phillip refers to Marina. He wasnt cruel by no means, he just refers to her in an pitying way, as weak and devoid of life . I suppose he is right, considering she killed herself. I don't know why, but it feels wrong to say such things about her though. She was a joyless child, and during her postpartum depression she still managed to smile when her children came to greet her. She lived a long time in pain. Sure it wasn't an entire lifetime, but over 2 decades, doesn't that count as something? She fought for a long time and I think she deserves credit for that.
Marina and Phillip hadn't been intimate in 8 years. They hardly spoke. She wouldnt leave the bed. She just sat in the dark and cried. They had no relationship, but for years he tried very hard. But after a few lonely years, he gave up. He stayed true to her, he is an honest man, but he had many many lonely years. He had sought advice and medicine but nothing worked, so after a time he just gave up. He's only human, I think its understandable he couldnt keep trying forever. As I was summarizing all this for my husband, just having conversation as we do, he was very animated about Sir Phillip. Talking about how hard that must have been for him, how lonely, how good he was for trying and for staying faithful, but that its understandable he eventually grew exhausted. This conversation left me unsettled and feeling bad about myself, but I tried to carry on with the day.
Well tonight I'm at work listening to it on Audible. I just got to the chapter where he finally tells Eloise the truth about his marriage to Marina and her cause of death. Hearing him cry to her about how lonely he was, how empty he felt, how hard he tried, it was devastating. He blamed himself too, for not being able to help her for the sake of their children. He was so heartbroken and felt like an utter failure as a husband and a father. I had to turn it off for a bit, it hurt too much. Is that how badly I make my husband feel? Dont get me wrong, I have already been terrified of that, and I feel guilty most every day. I guess after our conversaton yesterday and hearing it aloud just made it really hit home. Phillip absolutely begged Eloise to be happy. Just be happy. He needed her to be happy, cause he couldnt handle anything else. He couldnt live like that again.
When I'm at my worst, its a doule edged sword. On one hand I feel like I need to kill myself to rid my husband of the burden that is me. Phillip says he cant help but feel like she was a burden and that he is glad shes gone, and he feels awful for thinking it. But on the other hand, I know it would hurt my husband terribly if I left. I go back and forth with it. If I was gone, he could go and find his own Eloise. Someone who is happy and brings him joy and comfort. Sure he would be sad for a bit, but surely he would forget me and move on cause I am a pretty terrible person anyways. He would be sad for a little while, but he would realize its whats best for him. But part of me fears thats wrong. The man loves me, god only knows why. He is a quiet man who keeps to himself, the chances of him putting himself out there to find another woman are slim to none. He already blames himself everytime I have a depressive episode. All of my moods he takes personally, and obviously that couldnt be further from the truth. I tell him that often, that my sadness is my own and no fault of him, but I don't know if his heart believes me. I know he would stay alive for the puppies, but after they pass, I honestly dont know. I worry about what would happen to him. I don't think he would actively kill himself, but I think he might would passively. Like he would just give up on taking care of his health and such. But then I think how fucking arrogant of me to think he loves me that much. We went all of Jan and Feb without having sex or intimacy of any kind. I did not want touched in any way. I was in a horrible horrible depressive state for almost 2 months straight. I was Marina. I sat in the dark in the bedroom and cried. Thats literally all I did when I wasnt at work, and my god going to work was a nightmare. I was a miserable person for him to be around and I feel absolutely terrible for it. I made him feel like Phillip, I'm sure I did. He would be so much happier if I were gone.
Sorry for the long venting session. Thank you to anyone who listened.
UPDATE
I just finished the book and was again saddened during the second epilogue. Its a time skip of Marina's daughter, Amanda, as a young lady. She said such disparaging things about her mother. Well disparaging might be too harsh a word, very un-empathetic things about her mother. She said in a very matter of fact, yet not malicious, way that her life would have been easier if her mom had killed herself shortly after she was born. That she had a few memories of her, but they were cloudy and she wished she didnt have any memories of her at all. I understand that Marina wasn't a "good" mother, but I dont think she was a bad mother either, certainly not bad enough to wish death upon. Marina smiled at and spoke to her children, thats literally more than my father ever did for me. Amanda wasn't being malicious or angry, just very... I don't know the word. Just very matter of fact and unattached. I'm not saying she should be in mourning for her mother, its true she really never knew her. Her words just felt unduly harsh. Not sure why I'm so bothered by this. Probably because I feel so much like Marina. I've been a bad wife, and even worse mother. It pains me to think my children will speak of me that way. I'm sure they probably do, and I agree with them that I deserve it, but it still hurts my heart. The only thing that hurts worse is if I found out my children feel like I do. I couldnt handle my children feeling the pain I feel. Oh and I absolutely couldnt live with myself if I was the cause of it. Id rather them hate me and wish I had died than feel the sadness I do. I just hope one day my kids can look back and see that I wasnt great, but I wasnt evil, I was sick and doing the best I could. I acknowledge that my best was not enough for them, but I do love them and I tried. I tried REALLY hard and I am desperately sorry that it wasnt enough. They deserved better. My husband deserves better. I should grow a pair of fucking balls and end it so my husband can go find someone who is happy and can bring joy to his life.
BOOK SPOILERS AHEAD
Sir Phillip had married Marina Thompson. She was originally engaged to his older brother, but he died, leaving his estate and therfore his fiance with his brother Phillip. Obviously they werent in love. They had a set of twins together. To summarize, she had severe post partum depression. She already had depression it seems since she was a child, but developing postpartum was the final straw. She killed herself, tried to drown herself in a lake but was rescued, just to succumb to pneumonia from breathing nasty lake water. The twins were about 7.
My husband loves a good romance. He has watched Bridgerton with me, he also enjoyed Queen Charlotte the most. He reads Under the Oak Tree with me on the Manta app. I was telling him how I felt about this book.... that I wasnt comfortable with how Phillip refers to Marina. He wasnt cruel by no means, he just refers to her in an pitying way, as weak and devoid of life . I suppose he is right, considering she killed herself. I don't know why, but it feels wrong to say such things about her though. She was a joyless child, and during her postpartum depression she still managed to smile when her children came to greet her. She lived a long time in pain. Sure it wasn't an entire lifetime, but over 2 decades, doesn't that count as something? She fought for a long time and I think she deserves credit for that.
Marina and Phillip hadn't been intimate in 8 years. They hardly spoke. She wouldnt leave the bed. She just sat in the dark and cried. They had no relationship, but for years he tried very hard. But after a few lonely years, he gave up. He stayed true to her, he is an honest man, but he had many many lonely years. He had sought advice and medicine but nothing worked, so after a time he just gave up. He's only human, I think its understandable he couldnt keep trying forever. As I was summarizing all this for my husband, just having conversation as we do, he was very animated about Sir Phillip. Talking about how hard that must have been for him, how lonely, how good he was for trying and for staying faithful, but that its understandable he eventually grew exhausted. This conversation left me unsettled and feeling bad about myself, but I tried to carry on with the day.
Well tonight I'm at work listening to it on Audible. I just got to the chapter where he finally tells Eloise the truth about his marriage to Marina and her cause of death. Hearing him cry to her about how lonely he was, how empty he felt, how hard he tried, it was devastating. He blamed himself too, for not being able to help her for the sake of their children. He was so heartbroken and felt like an utter failure as a husband and a father. I had to turn it off for a bit, it hurt too much. Is that how badly I make my husband feel? Dont get me wrong, I have already been terrified of that, and I feel guilty most every day. I guess after our conversaton yesterday and hearing it aloud just made it really hit home. Phillip absolutely begged Eloise to be happy. Just be happy. He needed her to be happy, cause he couldnt handle anything else. He couldnt live like that again.
When I'm at my worst, its a doule edged sword. On one hand I feel like I need to kill myself to rid my husband of the burden that is me. Phillip says he cant help but feel like she was a burden and that he is glad shes gone, and he feels awful for thinking it. But on the other hand, I know it would hurt my husband terribly if I left. I go back and forth with it. If I was gone, he could go and find his own Eloise. Someone who is happy and brings him joy and comfort. Sure he would be sad for a bit, but surely he would forget me and move on cause I am a pretty terrible person anyways. He would be sad for a little while, but he would realize its whats best for him. But part of me fears thats wrong. The man loves me, god only knows why. He is a quiet man who keeps to himself, the chances of him putting himself out there to find another woman are slim to none. He already blames himself everytime I have a depressive episode. All of my moods he takes personally, and obviously that couldnt be further from the truth. I tell him that often, that my sadness is my own and no fault of him, but I don't know if his heart believes me. I know he would stay alive for the puppies, but after they pass, I honestly dont know. I worry about what would happen to him. I don't think he would actively kill himself, but I think he might would passively. Like he would just give up on taking care of his health and such. But then I think how fucking arrogant of me to think he loves me that much. We went all of Jan and Feb without having sex or intimacy of any kind. I did not want touched in any way. I was in a horrible horrible depressive state for almost 2 months straight. I was Marina. I sat in the dark in the bedroom and cried. Thats literally all I did when I wasnt at work, and my god going to work was a nightmare. I was a miserable person for him to be around and I feel absolutely terrible for it. I made him feel like Phillip, I'm sure I did. He would be so much happier if I were gone.
Sorry for the long venting session. Thank you to anyone who listened.
UPDATE
I just finished the book and was again saddened during the second epilogue. Its a time skip of Marina's daughter, Amanda, as a young lady. She said such disparaging things about her mother. Well disparaging might be too harsh a word, very un-empathetic things about her mother. She said in a very matter of fact, yet not malicious, way that her life would have been easier if her mom had killed herself shortly after she was born. That she had a few memories of her, but they were cloudy and she wished she didnt have any memories of her at all. I understand that Marina wasn't a "good" mother, but I dont think she was a bad mother either, certainly not bad enough to wish death upon. Marina smiled at and spoke to her children, thats literally more than my father ever did for me. Amanda wasn't being malicious or angry, just very... I don't know the word. Just very matter of fact and unattached. I'm not saying she should be in mourning for her mother, its true she really never knew her. Her words just felt unduly harsh. Not sure why I'm so bothered by this. Probably because I feel so much like Marina. I've been a bad wife, and even worse mother. It pains me to think my children will speak of me that way. I'm sure they probably do, and I agree with them that I deserve it, but it still hurts my heart. The only thing that hurts worse is if I found out my children feel like I do. I couldnt handle my children feeling the pain I feel. Oh and I absolutely couldnt live with myself if I was the cause of it. Id rather them hate me and wish I had died than feel the sadness I do. I just hope one day my kids can look back and see that I wasnt great, but I wasnt evil, I was sick and doing the best I could. I acknowledge that my best was not enough for them, but I do love them and I tried. I tried REALLY hard and I am desperately sorry that it wasnt enough. They deserved better. My husband deserves better. I should grow a pair of fucking balls and end it so my husband can go find someone who is happy and can bring joy to his life.
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