I just received notice that my SN shipped, and initially I was extremely excited, but then I started thinking about all the things I want in life that I haven't achieved. I really want a family, and my own home, and a really happy career...I'm worried though that even when I have those things, maybe I'll become suicidal again! Suicidal intent really is a wave for me, there's no guarantee that it will END. Today is one of my better days, but I don't want it to be. I want to die. I'm not sure what to make of these emotions.
I think you're in a promising situation considering that there are still things you "want".
When you stop wanting things, when you stop having dreams, that's when ctb becomes the most attractive and hard to avoid.
Considering that soon you'll have your SN, that means that you'll be able to quit whenever you want, peacefully.
That means there's nothing to lose!
So go after the things you want, meet people, find someone you love, start a family, work towards a career you'd like to have, make money to buy a home!
Is it easier said than done? Yes, however, if everything goes wrong, if you can't achieve does thing no matter what, you still have the safety of being able to ctb.
So there's no reason to not give it everything you got towards achieving your dreams, go for it!
And if on your journey you ever stumble, we're here to help.
I hope you can find happiness.