Story Raw guilt

[scythe16]

So today I went to my aunt's house after a long, longggg time. We stayed for a few hours. And well,I was feeling horrible. Like, really horrible. Not in the correct state of mind since morning. I know its not an excuse but, just to clarify, I deal with..incredibly horrid intrusive thoughts..and just as i was reminising though my uncles closet, the same horrific thought popped in my head every two minutes. "Take the shirt. Steal the shirt. You need it." the literal voices in my head kept telling me. My uncle had a lot of these black shirts with bands and shit that he used to wear when he was on his 20s, and I found one of those. And well, I was SO low that the consequences of my own actions were my least concern.

I didnt have a bag. or anything I could take the shirt in. The only thing I would successfully use to steal a shirt with was my moms large purse. So I folded the shirt, and placed it under her other stuff while she wasnt looking at all.

Obviously, she found out. Minute sbefore we were gonna leave. In front of my uncle. In front of my aunt. In front of my brothers. Never in my life have I felt so fucking disgusted with myself, and the guilt just..hit me like a fucking truck- On the car, I was trying so fucking hard to not cry but I broke DOWN- Heavy heavy shit- I kept apologizing, over and over again, even though the deed was already done. I got into a full panic meltdown mode and I ended up relapsing by cutting myself deep after almost 2 months clean while i was showering. And until now, the guilt is hurting me. From everything. Its weighing me. I feel so bad. I feel so filthy..I didnt mean to steal. I know what I did was horrible and wrong and Im not planning to do it again. But the guilt is killing me..I cant stop crying.. I feel I cant face them anymore..I'm never letting myself act on my thoughts ever again...I dont know what to do.. I feel I should just die...

 

[Veraz]

I understand a little bit about how you feel. I've done some things in my life I'm not proud of that embarrass me to this day. While I don't normally say this, in this specific case I think it would be a good idea to try and calm down first. Take a deep breath, and try to relax as best you can. Doing this will hopefully help clear your head a little bit, so that you can better work things out in your mind.

Unfortunately, without more context I can't really offer any advice beyond that, but I'm hear to listen if you want to talk about it further.

 

[AngryDog]

What happened at your aunt's house doesn't sound like something so terrible. I know it must be hard but try to calm down a little. Please do not hurt yourself, it's not worth it. How often do you hear those voices?

 

[Fwompje]

God that sounds awful and embarrassing, I've been in similar situations a couple of years back. It's still embarrassing to think about today but you will always have something to look back on to regret.

Allow yourself to feel like shit for a bit, after a day try and realize that it's in the past and the only thing you can do is to not do it in the future again. It'll blow over, it really will.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so awful having to deal with such guilt, existing in this world certainly can be torture.