Rant

[Someplace_nice]

It's getting harder to stay happy, the season change is happening and my depression is growing fast. It's over taking my happiness, I feel helpless.. I found out that my best friend didn't CTB but lost all their accounts, I feel like they are a lot different than last I talked to them, I'm so happy to have him back in my life but, I feel an emptiness. Things aren't the same and that should be good but it's hard to cope with. Ik that's making my depression worse, I constantly feel alone even if my hubbys there and it feels like no matter how I fight it, it gets worse and the depression gets bigger and the urge to die gets harder to stuff down. I wish I could be in complete darkness while I wallow in my sadness but I don't have curtains for the window in my room. I just want to die for a day.. I don't want to feel this way but it always comes back, every time. I want to go back to my dream world and stay forever, I don't want to live in reality I want to be in a day dream until the day I die, I want to bed rot so hard that I don't eat or drink. I could live this life better in a dream world. I sometimes wish that I never got saved and the pills worked, I was never alone in my dream world and I had actual friends. All my life is now is clean clean clean. I don't have money or friends to go out with, I can't buy fabrics to keep myself busy. I have almost everything I wanted but I can't have the rest bc I guess it's too much to ask for. I made bracelets to sell but they don't sell, I make sure I keep my only friend near me in mind when we do things. I give them a crystal every time I go to Arkansas but they never think of me. I miss the past, and I can't seem to let go of it. It feels comfortable and safe and is something that is known. I miss middle school or freshman year of high school, I had people to lean on, I went out and did things, I had so many friends... It'll never be the same again and I am terrified, it's hard to let go and I know I need to, Idk if I'm ready to and ik I'll never be ready to I'm just really scared. Everyone one and everything is changing and I can't keep up.

 

[timf]

Your contrast of reality with a "dream world" will always make reality look bad. You might want to consider partitioning reality in your mind such that there are different parts to reality. This might allow you to see a portion of reality as something you can control. There will always be parts of reality that we can't control and have to endure. However, the parts we can control can be fun to experiment with to see what we can build.