rant | memory lane

[luten]

Three months ago I started to think about my x who I met in 2005, she lived in a different part of the country. I had to go there by plane to meet her in person for the first time at her parents house. It worked out as planned, everything was great, her family was welcoming towards me, even though they had all the reasons not to (their girl is meeting someone from the internet).

Two months before we met I had my last major surgery, and I still had to deal with ongoing domestic violence in my fathers house. I also lost my late mother 2 years before that year. So on paper, this was the most wonderful thing that happened to me, considering the circumstances and all.

A long time ago, I made a list of the specifics which I can remember about our relationship, as it was one of only few good things that happened to me in my life. Every-time I read it, my heart melts, and I combat strong emotions. Last night I also dreamed (bloody B vitamins) about her , and this morning I saw she got married 3 weeks ago.


I think the reason why this is so emotional are for several reasons ;


I was much younger back then, and I still had hope. My life was ahead of me, now it is behind me, and it is very difficult to think about it in such way. It rips me apart to think that I almost had it. It being, someone that I love, being part of a functional family. I am torn apart when I think of how relatively good my life was back then, my mind was so much better, I did not even think of the things that could go wrong, well not so much that I was hesitant. What I also love about this love story, it was not about money, I did not have money back then, the relationship was not about money, it was about us.


2021, and I simply not the person I was in 2005. If we were to meet today, I think she would think that I still sound like the same person, but my eyes witnessed so many things since the last time that we spoke. The eyes.....I cant even write about the things I saw in life, in others and in myself, it is just too loaded, I have being around (trying different things with my life), it is loaded and overwhelming, yet ended-up here, with nothing.



I still have a contract, client just phoned, and asked "how are you", I said "fantastic", what else do you say in the darkest hours of your life? Fake it till you make it , or in my case , fake it untill I die.

wolf

 

[BlankUser]

Sorry you have to go through this. You're right, things we've seen and experienced really change us. I'm not the same person I was. And I'm also tired of faking my emotions when I have to talk to people.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Three months ago I started to think about my x who I met in 2005, she lived in a different part of the country. I had to go there by plane to meet her in person for the first time at her parents house. It worked out as planned, everything was great, her family was welcoming towards me, even though they had all the reasons not to (their girl is meeting someone from the internet).

Two months before we met I had my last major surgery, and I still had to deal with ongoing domestic violence in my fathers house. I also lost my late mother 2 years before that year. So on paper, this was the most wonderful thing that happened to me, considering the circumstances and all.

A long time ago, I made a list of the specifics which I can remember about our relationship, as it was one of only few good things that happened to me in my life. Every-time I read it, my heart melts, and I combat strong emotions. Last night I also dreamed (bloody B vitamins) about her , and this morning I saw she got married 3 weeks ago.


I think the reason why this is so emotional are for several reasons ;


I was much younger back then, and I still had hope. My life was ahead of me, now it is behind me, and it is very difficult to think about it in such way. It rips me apart to think that I almost had it. It being, someone that I love, being part of a functional family. I am torn apart when I think of how relatively good my life was back then, my mind was so much better, I did not even think of the things that could go wrong, well not so much that I was hesitant. What I also love about this love story, it was not about money, I did not have money back then, the relationship was not about money, it was about us.


2021, and I simply not the person I was in 2005. If we were to meet today, I think she would think that I still sound like the same person, but my eyes witnessed so many things since the last time that we spoke. The eyes.....I cant even write about the things I saw in life, in others and in myself, it is just too loaded, I have being around (trying different things with my life), it is loaded and overwhelming, yet ended-up here, with nothing.



I still have a contract, client just phoned, and asked "how are you", I said "fantastic", what else do you say in the darkest hours of your life? Fake it till you make it , or in my case , fake it untill I die.

wolf

I feel this brother. I'm so sorry for your pain, I wish I could say something more meaningful, just so you know I genuinely feel you on this... The people we were...

Love and respect friend

DBD

 

[luten]

Sorry you have to go through this. You're right, things we've seen and experienced really change us. I'm not the same person I was. And I'm also tired of faking my emotions when I have to talk to people.

yep. its hard to get back your innocence. It must be difficult to raise a child in a world like this, because of the harsh elements. You cant take back things.

 

[nopointofliving]

I feel your pain.... I had tears in my eyes while reading your words. Dont know what else to say, I feel you. Hugs

 

[luten]

some of my notes;

"Before we met in person, we agreed that we would tell each other "I am glad that we have met" if we felt that there was chemistry between us, if we wanted to continue to work towards something special."

During those year phones did not have cameras, I think I saw one old faded photo of her before I went there to meet her in person.


"When I saw her at the airport for the first time, I did not feel any strong emotions, she did not make an impression on me. I just saw her as a girl with her mother. I can also say that I did not feel nervous or awkward, which is was rather strange under the circumstances. I can also recall that I made the decision to tell her "I am glad that we have met" in a park, under a tree, close to her house. This was not long after I landed. It was a decision, I did not feel chemistry, but I felt at ease with her, and I knew that a relationship is something that must be cultivated. I did not and still do not believe in "love at first sight".


"x cried so much when her mother needed to drop me off at the airport,she could not come with us to the airport. When I got into her mother's car , I had to fight tears like never before, and maintaining my composure all the way to the airport. I was afraid her mother would initiate conversation with me, because I wouldn't have been able to speak to her without having a breakdown first. At some point her mother pulled down to draw money, I tried to pull myself together while I waited in the car, but to no avail. I was really emotional that day, beyond believe. At the airport I was able to talk, and say thank you etc. It definitely showed me a side of me, one that I have never seen before that day. It was a difference sadness to the other tragic events that happened to me in my life, it was so much different."


Last year in Augus,t I thought to myself that it would be great if I could go back to that side of the country, sit in the park, and think about my life journey. (she doesn't live there anymore, so not for stalking purposes, just for experiencing it all again). Then I remembered, I could use google maps to walk around the neighborhood, virtually. I can tell you that I was bowling my eyes out, everything looked the same, it all came back to me. when I got to the tree in the park which we sat under on the first day, connecting...i was really emotional.