GirlOfThought06
autistic by the grace of god
- Nov 10, 2025
- 31
I mean I feel like the fact I'm posting to a website called sanctioned suicide is a red flag for my mental state
But since Monday I've had dizzying highs and lows that just aren't normal.
Monday-Wednesday I was so depressed I ate a total of 3 "meals" across 64ish hours which isn't normal for me
Thursday I was overly happy and social to an abnormal degree
Friday I was so anxious and tied in knots, I was sweating so much and so anxious
Today I was fine kinda.. but I feel myself falling back into depression
I found out that for the first time, my grandparents (whom are the source of my family's wealth) are not seeing me this year like usual. They claim it's not personal but it feels personal and gen they're seeing all of their other grandchildren—
I am also the black sheep of the family. I have tried so hard to be the girl they want but I cant
My cousin S is all they'd want as she's trendy and mainstream, a socialite like them
My brother is into the same sports as them, so despite being autistic too they have that shared interest
While my cousin L is an Everyman, he just fits in anywhere fine
I have other cousins too, but they're young so all their quirks and oddities can be explained by their age
And then there's me and I am a socially stunted autistic woman who while pursuing a noble degree has no shared interests and it's clear that I'm the least favorite
I also am endlessly jealous of my peers who just get to up and do so many things like travel, but I can't travel. School trips? I have severe trauma related to that babes. Solo trips? I'm under 21 I can't get a hotel room plus my parents don't like spending money. I can't ask my grandparents for anything either because if I want to have fun they don't want to pay for it despite my parents delusions. So it looks like every time I'm not in class I'm rotting in my bedroom wanting to take my own life and banging my head against the bed frame hoping I get an aneurism
Also I'm terrified my grandparents will just… end funding my college because I failed one exam. They were gonna do that because I was planning to go on a trip where I'd miss 2-3 days of class. My parents also think they'd let me take a gap year??? Or pay for me to study abroad??? No they'd kill me and they probably are already disappointed in me because I'm not a 4.0 student
Maybe I should just give up
But since Monday I've had dizzying highs and lows that just aren't normal.
Monday-Wednesday I was so depressed I ate a total of 3 "meals" across 64ish hours which isn't normal for me
Thursday I was overly happy and social to an abnormal degree
Friday I was so anxious and tied in knots, I was sweating so much and so anxious
Today I was fine kinda.. but I feel myself falling back into depression
I found out that for the first time, my grandparents (whom are the source of my family's wealth) are not seeing me this year like usual. They claim it's not personal but it feels personal and gen they're seeing all of their other grandchildren—
I am also the black sheep of the family. I have tried so hard to be the girl they want but I cant
My cousin S is all they'd want as she's trendy and mainstream, a socialite like them
My brother is into the same sports as them, so despite being autistic too they have that shared interest
While my cousin L is an Everyman, he just fits in anywhere fine
I have other cousins too, but they're young so all their quirks and oddities can be explained by their age
And then there's me and I am a socially stunted autistic woman who while pursuing a noble degree has no shared interests and it's clear that I'm the least favorite
I also am endlessly jealous of my peers who just get to up and do so many things like travel, but I can't travel. School trips? I have severe trauma related to that babes. Solo trips? I'm under 21 I can't get a hotel room plus my parents don't like spending money. I can't ask my grandparents for anything either because if I want to have fun they don't want to pay for it despite my parents delusions. So it looks like every time I'm not in class I'm rotting in my bedroom wanting to take my own life and banging my head against the bed frame hoping I get an aneurism
Also I'm terrified my grandparents will just… end funding my college because I failed one exam. They were gonna do that because I was planning to go on a trip where I'd miss 2-3 days of class. My parents also think they'd let me take a gap year??? Or pay for me to study abroad??? No they'd kill me and they probably are already disappointed in me because I'm not a 4.0 student
Maybe I should just give up
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