I don't know if this is allowed here, but I needed to rant after a particularly challenging day.
—
Today has perhaps been the most challenging day I've ever had to work through.
I think I'm past CTBing tonight, but I do feel either that is going to happen sooner than later (or I'll start to figure certain things out a little better, which will give me hope, while still struggling with ideation and everything else).
For better or worse, my SI (or fear of whatever the case may be) always seems to kick in, and it feels impossible to just "do" it.
That's why I'm still here tonight (or at least at this moment).
My OCD also keeps me hanging in there, since I always have doubt and more questions that keep me from pulling the plug.
I don't know up from down anymore, or right from left (especially in my worst moments)
It feels like I'm a prisoner in my body and a slave to my mind.
I understand my lifelong complex trauma from a wider lens, but I don't know how to resolve it.
(It's incredible how your parents will fuck you up so badly that you can't work, or enjoy life in the least, keeping you stuck this very cycle of feeling like you can't shut the door for good because of the fear you might one day be reliant on them).
The days increasingly seem like a haze that I can't escape.
I don't feel I can trust anyone at this point.
I don't feel interested in people in general.
In order to cope in the moment, I make impulsive decisions (like buying a refundable plane ticket to CTB), which perhaps are the right decisions (but again, it's hard for me to follow through, in spite of all my suffering).
I don't know how to even obtain more peaceful means (like SN), nor do I have the mental (or physical) wherewithal to try other means, such as inert gas.
I've come so far over the years that I know things do "improve" when you hang in there, but I've been in this intensifying spiral for at least a few weeks now.
Everyone tells you to find a therapist, but I've been in therapy for so long (and I'm so self-aware at this point) that I don't feel it helps.
I'm done with "safety checks" and clinicians trying to lighten the mood.
I think I mentioned this in a previous post, but the therapist I've been seeing simply alluded to my vast potential to help others when I was sharing how I believed I'd die young.
That's great. But, you know, I can't help others if I can't even help myself.
I don't know if she was trying to be motivational, but it honestly felt tone-deaf and dismissive at best
I hate how society demonizes suicide, yet won't look itself in the mirror.
Sometimes our will to live simply feels too weak due to the injustices we've suffered.
I think one of the hardest things for me nowadays is not knowing how to relate to people.
I've never really related well to others (I'm extremely creative and right-brained, but my childhood trauma made me a goody-goody growing up).
So, maybe I just don't know who I am, in part.
But it's also subjectively true that I just find the average person incredibly boring and frustrating to be around (even when I'm doing better).
And unfortunately, half the population is dumber than that individual.
My brain processes things and makes connections too quickly, which makes me feel disconnected in and of itself.
At the same time, I feel extraordinarily slow in certain areas (due to my trauma), so I feel like I'm constantly fighting this battle between these two extremes.
I feel like I'm constantly riding these waves of despair, terror, euphoria, mania, etc. throughout the day.
I experienced extreme suicidality when I was 18 or so, and I'm realizing a large reason I'm not able to enjoy the things I naturally enjoy the most is due to this period of my life.
When I had paralyzing ideation back then, I "protected" myself by telling myself the things I enjoyed were not safe.
In other words, these things gave me a reason to live, and giving myself any reason to live would keep me alive and suffering, etc…
So, self-denial, even as a subconscious mechanism I was somewhat aware of, was what served me then.
It's more complicated than that— and since I couldn't articulate it like that at the time, my trauma got as bad as it did— but I'm glad I'm finally able to articulate it that way now.
In the end, my biological family was the original and primary cause of all of my suffering, yet I don't entirely trust that I won't reengage
After a horrible conversation with one of them this week, I want to hold steadfast in never reaching out again
I also want to trust they won't follow me again
I suppose only time will tell
If people were kinder and this capitalist hellhole didn't exist, I would better trust my ability to survive
But alas, that's not the reality of modern-day society
Thanks for reading my post
—
Today has perhaps been the most challenging day I've ever had to work through.
I think I'm past CTBing tonight, but I do feel either that is going to happen sooner than later (or I'll start to figure certain things out a little better, which will give me hope, while still struggling with ideation and everything else).
For better or worse, my SI (or fear of whatever the case may be) always seems to kick in, and it feels impossible to just "do" it.
That's why I'm still here tonight (or at least at this moment).
My OCD also keeps me hanging in there, since I always have doubt and more questions that keep me from pulling the plug.
I don't know up from down anymore, or right from left (especially in my worst moments)
It feels like I'm a prisoner in my body and a slave to my mind.
I understand my lifelong complex trauma from a wider lens, but I don't know how to resolve it.
(It's incredible how your parents will fuck you up so badly that you can't work, or enjoy life in the least, keeping you stuck this very cycle of feeling like you can't shut the door for good because of the fear you might one day be reliant on them).
The days increasingly seem like a haze that I can't escape.
I don't feel I can trust anyone at this point.
I don't feel interested in people in general.
In order to cope in the moment, I make impulsive decisions (like buying a refundable plane ticket to CTB), which perhaps are the right decisions (but again, it's hard for me to follow through, in spite of all my suffering).
I don't know how to even obtain more peaceful means (like SN), nor do I have the mental (or physical) wherewithal to try other means, such as inert gas.
I've come so far over the years that I know things do "improve" when you hang in there, but I've been in this intensifying spiral for at least a few weeks now.
Everyone tells you to find a therapist, but I've been in therapy for so long (and I'm so self-aware at this point) that I don't feel it helps.
I'm done with "safety checks" and clinicians trying to lighten the mood.
I think I mentioned this in a previous post, but the therapist I've been seeing simply alluded to my vast potential to help others when I was sharing how I believed I'd die young.
That's great. But, you know, I can't help others if I can't even help myself.
I don't know if she was trying to be motivational, but it honestly felt tone-deaf and dismissive at best
I hate how society demonizes suicide, yet won't look itself in the mirror.
Sometimes our will to live simply feels too weak due to the injustices we've suffered.
I think one of the hardest things for me nowadays is not knowing how to relate to people.
I've never really related well to others (I'm extremely creative and right-brained, but my childhood trauma made me a goody-goody growing up).
So, maybe I just don't know who I am, in part.
But it's also subjectively true that I just find the average person incredibly boring and frustrating to be around (even when I'm doing better).
And unfortunately, half the population is dumber than that individual.
My brain processes things and makes connections too quickly, which makes me feel disconnected in and of itself.
At the same time, I feel extraordinarily slow in certain areas (due to my trauma), so I feel like I'm constantly fighting this battle between these two extremes.
I feel like I'm constantly riding these waves of despair, terror, euphoria, mania, etc. throughout the day.
I experienced extreme suicidality when I was 18 or so, and I'm realizing a large reason I'm not able to enjoy the things I naturally enjoy the most is due to this period of my life.
When I had paralyzing ideation back then, I "protected" myself by telling myself the things I enjoyed were not safe.
In other words, these things gave me a reason to live, and giving myself any reason to live would keep me alive and suffering, etc…
So, self-denial, even as a subconscious mechanism I was somewhat aware of, was what served me then.
It's more complicated than that— and since I couldn't articulate it like that at the time, my trauma got as bad as it did— but I'm glad I'm finally able to articulate it that way now.
In the end, my biological family was the original and primary cause of all of my suffering, yet I don't entirely trust that I won't reengage
After a horrible conversation with one of them this week, I want to hold steadfast in never reaching out again
I also want to trust they won't follow me again
I suppose only time will tell
If people were kinder and this capitalist hellhole didn't exist, I would better trust my ability to survive
But alas, that's not the reality of modern-day society
Thanks for reading my post
