peacefulnights
star gazer
- Jan 15, 2026
- 40
This was the highest level of abuse. I did not grow up as a person with an inner life. I grew up as a faceless resource, something my parents used to satisfy their own emotional, psychological, and sexual violations. I was treated as an object, not a human being, and that erased my sense of identity. I do not know who I am because I was never allowed to be someone. I learned to survive by enduring pain, which twisted my relationship to myself and left masochistic patterns in its wake. The abuse did not stay in the past. It lives in my body and my dreams, my father SAing me my mom dragging me on a chain lease and beating me while I am naked, being the subject of torture, because those were the conditions under which I learned to exist. I was not taught how to live, only how to endure being used. I dislike how it makes me feel at home, being abused and tortured mentally, physically, sexually, psychologically, makes me comfortable and safe. It is what I am used to.
CPS came and they both denied it and even laughed about it later. I thought this was normal for so long. It felt wrong but I couldn't imagine how parents would do something so horrific to their own child.
All I wanted was support. "I am really tempted to jump out of 1Xth story window right now," and my mom didn't care, she laughed and said that's high up. I guess I am done trying. I grew up with no support. I told them I can't find a job and how depressed I am and they just laughed at me. They have resources, they could help, they are parents, they SHOULD help!!!!! I worked harder, did more, was more altruistic, than every other kid I know, alive or dead from the stress. I know so many parents who support their kid, love their kid, make them feel at home, especially with mental health conditions like I have. It is far past cruel, horrific and unusual for my mother to say I can't stay at home as a last resort. My father talking about property taxes on his home when I talk about how depressed I am and wanting to kill myself. How he says his current tenant in that house isn't looking for a new roommate? How dystopian could it possibly get? Him also saying I can't stay in my unoccupied bedroom at home. Why? Why did you have a kid? Why? Why is this what you do him? Why? I DIDN'T DESERVE THIS AND NEVER DID, I DESERVED A SAFE HOME, A LOVING FAMILY, A SUPPORT SYSTEM, AND A LIFE I COULD BUILD FROM THAT - NOT RUNNING FROM FEAR AND PAIN AND PUSHING MYSELF PAST MY LIMIT TIME AND TIME AGAIN TO SEVERE DEPRESSION. My parents both came from nuclear families with siblings, families that loved and cared for them. I was was an only child from divorced parents who only cared about themselves and asserting their power and pain onto people, especially their own child. I was faceless vessel for their pain and dark desires. They actively did everything in their power to make a worse life for me. They are narcissistic beyond belief with a side portion of psychopathy.
If anyone deserves to CTB at this point, it's me, not that there is or should be any criteria. I truly exhausted every avenue known to man and tried my absolute hardest in everything. I am done running and fighting. All I ever wanted since I can remember was to have a big happy family, to be safe, to be cared for, to be loved… that's all.
My date for CTB via SN is March 1st still.
CPS came and they both denied it and even laughed about it later. I thought this was normal for so long. It felt wrong but I couldn't imagine how parents would do something so horrific to their own child.
All I wanted was support. "I am really tempted to jump out of 1Xth story window right now," and my mom didn't care, she laughed and said that's high up. I guess I am done trying. I grew up with no support. I told them I can't find a job and how depressed I am and they just laughed at me. They have resources, they could help, they are parents, they SHOULD help!!!!! I worked harder, did more, was more altruistic, than every other kid I know, alive or dead from the stress. I know so many parents who support their kid, love their kid, make them feel at home, especially with mental health conditions like I have. It is far past cruel, horrific and unusual for my mother to say I can't stay at home as a last resort. My father talking about property taxes on his home when I talk about how depressed I am and wanting to kill myself. How he says his current tenant in that house isn't looking for a new roommate? How dystopian could it possibly get? Him also saying I can't stay in my unoccupied bedroom at home. Why? Why did you have a kid? Why? Why is this what you do him? Why? I DIDN'T DESERVE THIS AND NEVER DID, I DESERVED A SAFE HOME, A LOVING FAMILY, A SUPPORT SYSTEM, AND A LIFE I COULD BUILD FROM THAT - NOT RUNNING FROM FEAR AND PAIN AND PUSHING MYSELF PAST MY LIMIT TIME AND TIME AGAIN TO SEVERE DEPRESSION. My parents both came from nuclear families with siblings, families that loved and cared for them. I was was an only child from divorced parents who only cared about themselves and asserting their power and pain onto people, especially their own child. I was faceless vessel for their pain and dark desires. They actively did everything in their power to make a worse life for me. They are narcissistic beyond belief with a side portion of psychopathy.
If anyone deserves to CTB at this point, it's me, not that there is or should be any criteria. I truly exhausted every avenue known to man and tried my absolute hardest in everything. I am done running and fighting. All I ever wanted since I can remember was to have a big happy family, to be safe, to be cared for, to be loved… that's all.
My date for CTB via SN is March 1st still.
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