Mr. Incapable
Also inadequate, incompetent, weak & powerless
- Jun 21, 2022
- 175
I hate how quickly times goes by.. in the moment it feels so slow but when you have to look back, where does the time go?..
In 2017, I remember seeing news about the suicide of a celebrity whose music I enjoyed. We were born two months apart in the same year, 1990, and he was 27 years old when he took his life. Sometimes when I'm Googling about suicide to read new articles or information, I occasionally end up on a 'list of notable suicides' and I'll see his picture and biography again. Seeing his age is the strangest feeling. He's meant to be two months older than me and 32 today, but his age stopped at 27. How has 5 years passed already? I'd already had suicidal ideation long before he passed away, but in that same year I had very strong feelings about ending my life, too. I feel weird to say his death did increase my desire to want to end my life more, but not in a parasocial or 'fan' way. Just like 'wow, surely if you can do it, I should also be able to'.
Sometimes I think about how I should've just done it back then, too, because if 5 years has passed already then that would've been 5 years the people in my life would've had to accept what had happened and moved on.. 5 years of the memory of myself fading out of thought..
Not that I necessarily believe in it but sometimes I even wonder IF some kind of rebirth or restarting life was to exist I could've been 5 years old by now, living a completely new and different life..
I don't know.. it's weird.. continuing life and looking at all the people who have left, especially those who were a similar age to you at the time of their death..
The thought of another 5 years passing by.. I can hardly imagine it. I don't even want to imagine it but it will happen unless I do something to make my time stop
In 2017, I remember seeing news about the suicide of a celebrity whose music I enjoyed. We were born two months apart in the same year, 1990, and he was 27 years old when he took his life. Sometimes when I'm Googling about suicide to read new articles or information, I occasionally end up on a 'list of notable suicides' and I'll see his picture and biography again. Seeing his age is the strangest feeling. He's meant to be two months older than me and 32 today, but his age stopped at 27. How has 5 years passed already? I'd already had suicidal ideation long before he passed away, but in that same year I had very strong feelings about ending my life, too. I feel weird to say his death did increase my desire to want to end my life more, but not in a parasocial or 'fan' way. Just like 'wow, surely if you can do it, I should also be able to'.
Sometimes I think about how I should've just done it back then, too, because if 5 years has passed already then that would've been 5 years the people in my life would've had to accept what had happened and moved on.. 5 years of the memory of myself fading out of thought..
Not that I necessarily believe in it but sometimes I even wonder IF some kind of rebirth or restarting life was to exist I could've been 5 years old by now, living a completely new and different life..
I don't know.. it's weird.. continuing life and looking at all the people who have left, especially those who were a similar age to you at the time of their death..
The thought of another 5 years passing by.. I can hardly imagine it. I don't even want to imagine it but it will happen unless I do something to make my time stop
