cupcakesandmilk
??/??/20??
- Oct 10, 2023
- 351
Oh well, this is, or should I say will be, my 3rd or 4th year in a row where I have not made a single new friend in person, and being honest, I have no desire to get closer to anyone anymore, not like my anxiety allows me to talk to others properly anyway... Whenever I'm around people, I subconsciously tap into my "pretending human" mode, which just leaves me feeling even more distant than I already was; I have no idea when I developed this, but it doesn't matter, because I feel so "different" from others that even if I did manage to get closer to them, it'll either just be through an act or I'll end up losing my essence altogether.
Even in the little interactions I do have, be it in person or via text, I keep pondering about them on the way back home, wondering if I could've done anything differently or if I came off as too awkward; It's just exhausting; a part of me just wishes to curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day. After all, I'm going to die anyway, aren't I?
I just wish I was happy with or by myself, even the seemingly entertaining things don't seem fun anymore, they feel more like distractions to me; sometimes a video or so on YT gets me to smile, but it just physically hurts now for some reason.
Childhood was great; I could interact with others with blissful ignorance, no matter how ugly I looked or how awkward I came off as; though, looking back at it, I don't think I was ever as close to anyone as I thought I was, nonetheless, I still dearly miss that time. I know I'm basically a grown-ass adult here throwing a kiddy tantrum about not having friends or anything, but alas...
Apologies if I'm being extra whiny today.
Even in the little interactions I do have, be it in person or via text, I keep pondering about them on the way back home, wondering if I could've done anything differently or if I came off as too awkward; It's just exhausting; a part of me just wishes to curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day. After all, I'm going to die anyway, aren't I?
I just wish I was happy with or by myself, even the seemingly entertaining things don't seem fun anymore, they feel more like distractions to me; sometimes a video or so on YT gets me to smile, but it just physically hurts now for some reason.
Childhood was great; I could interact with others with blissful ignorance, no matter how ugly I looked or how awkward I came off as; though, looking back at it, I don't think I was ever as close to anyone as I thought I was, nonetheless, I still dearly miss that time. I know I'm basically a grown-ass adult here throwing a kiddy tantrum about not having friends or anything, but alas...
Apologies if I'm being extra whiny today.
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