Venting Rambling about my life (an introduction)

[SoulCage]

Hey,
I just created this account, but have already been browsing as a guest for several months.

I just feel the need to tell my story, because nobody in my real life circle understands me and I believe everyone on SS does. And I desperately need to be part of a community, I don't want to be alone anymore.

Before I start, I hope that reading my words doesn't upset you. Not because it's tragic or nsfw, but because it's probably too "mild"? I feel like an absolute fraud, the reasons for my suffering are ridiculous...
-

I am now in my 30s and all the experiences in my life have led me to the following conclusions:
I am unable to handle pressure (I get easily overwhelmed)
and
I am unable to endure hardships.
During my school years I already learned about the pressure, that it's important to not fail. The consequences of failing were harsh, for many reasons. But I somehow managed to get to my diploma without failing and it kinda gave me the hope that I was able to achieve something in my adult life. But oh boy... I was wrong. School pressure was nothing compared to adult life. Finding a job that doesn't suck only to not starve or be homeless. And now in my 30s it's even worse, because in my 20s I spent most of my slave money on pleasures. But I can't do that anymore, because I have to constantly think about the old age. Everything I spend now will make me more miserable once I am physically and mentally too weak to work.
And I don't want that. I don't want to suffer until I die, especially if I don't know how long I have left to live.
That's why I am constantly thinking of choosing my own date to die.

The people around me keep telling me that I don't have to worry about my old age and that I should keep living in the "present", but when I ask them why.. they just give stupid answers such as "the social system in our country will help you" (it won't without conditions that lead to more suffering) or "your pension will be enough" (I won't get it until I am 65, with current trend probably more like 70). Also the same old response: "just try out different companies, maybe there is one that doesn't suck" - guess what, it's nearly impossible to get even a job that pays for current cost of living how am I supposed to find this unicorn job? How should I compete with stable people or fucking AI? I had a job in 7 different companies and I was either overwhelmed or couldn't endure the mundane tasks. Each time I quit a job, my hope was shattered even more.

There are many more details to my story, but I am hesitant to share them in a public space. Maybe one day I will find a person who is like-minded and then I can just let it all out without feeling bad. And maybe even hear some wisdom that actually helps.

Thanks for reading this far. Share your thoughts if you like.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's really understandable not wanting to suffer and there is nothing ridiculous about one wishing to cease existing on their own terms, it's always a valid way to feel. But anyway best wishes.

 

[tiger b]

You talk a lot of sense, in my opinion.

 

[PrettyPotato]

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time of things.

I've no idea if this helps or not, but I came to the conclusion a long time ago that you can either be happy living through the slave system that's been put in place for all of us, or you can simply take a completely different path. Unfortunately most can't even see that there is a different path available to them though as the 'system' is so ingrained.

Have you thought about going self-employed? The internet is a cess pit admittedly, but it does have lots of training resources and so on. Might be worth looking into if there's something you enjoy.

The downside to being self-employed can be that you have to sort your own pension out, and it can be harder to maintain social connections - but the upsides are that you have complete freedom to do what you like, when you like.

For me, I went self employed in the knowledge that I was going to end things way before retirement age anyway, and it made things so much easier.

No concerns about saving up for some spurious date decades away, no stress about taking on work you don't like (you don't like a job, just tell the person hiring you to get lost!), and if the work is computer based then you also have the freedom to work from wherever you like. I did some of my best contract work whilst sitting on a beach

 

[Groundhog_Day]

No need to apologise or feel like a fraud, you are clearly suffering and it is completely understandable to want to reach out for help.

I can relate when you say you feel unable to handle pressure, and constantly worrying about the future. I have avpd and probably generalized anxiety disorder, maybe you have these too. When I was at work I always felt out of my depth and on the edge of a panic attack.

Wish I could be more helpful, but I too am in a bad place atm. Hope someone has some good advice for you.

 

[Mitsumi]

It sounds to me you have a lot of fundamented axiety , And no need to apologize.

 

[SoulCage]

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time of things.

I've no idea if this helps or not, but I came to the conclusion a long time ago that you can either be happy living through the slave system that's been put in place for all of us, or you can simply take a completely different path. Unfortunately most can't even see that there is a different path available to them though as the 'system' is so ingrained.

Have you thought about going self-employed? The internet is a cess pit admittedly, but it does have lots of training resources and so on. Might be worth looking into if there's something you enjoy.

The downside to being self-employed can be that you have to sort your own pension out, and it can be harder to maintain social connections - but the upsides are that you have complete freedom to do what you like, when you like.

For me, I went self employed in the knowledge that I was going to end things way before retirement age anyway, and it made things so much easier.

No concerns about saving up for some spurious date decades away, no stress about taking on work you don't like (you don't like a job, just tell the person hiring you to get lost!), and if the work is computer based then you also have the freedom to work from wherever you like. I did some of my best contract work whilst sitting on a beach

For me, self-employment sounds harsh, because I have to deal with the anxiety of finding something that is profitable. And there is the fear that it would also overwhelm me like everything else in life. Why suffer through learning a skill that has no value anyway. I already had great opportunities in my life and I always fucked up. I am sure it won't be different while being self-employed.

Thanks for your idea though. And nice to hear that you have such a solid plan that works for you

 

[Slow_Farewell]

For me, your fears about old age and what it entails are valid.
It's best to go out your own way rather than rely on society or people...
I guess the harsh reality for me was people, in general, will let you down.. if there's no one else i can rely on but myself then that includes deciding when I go.