SpencerSees
I used to be blind, but now i see
- Feb 22, 2023
- 88
I finally came to the realization that I'm destined for suffering like this no matter what I do.
Everyday I wake up, pray, try to ignore the bad thoughts to no awail. God doesn't keep me safe, probably because all the awful things i've done. I haven't slept in 3 days, everything is distant and unreal. I try to be normal and pretend it's all fine, but I can't. There's something wrong with my brain and my body. I'm constantly in pain, or causing myself pain. People don't try to understand they just expect me to be better. I try so hard but it feels like i'm way too young for the role i'm supposed to fill. Somehow I feel both 9 and 87 at the same time. 19 years of useless life. I can't achieve anything. I can't even draw anymore. I feel so bad for all i've done so why won't it get better already? I'm supposed to have a psych evaluation between the holidays, but no one seems to treat it urgently. Actually, no one seems to treat anything related to me urgently. I don't know what I deserve, but I want to be cared for and loved just once. I'm in a relationship, and I should be happy, but I can't even enjoy that. I want to trust him, but he's lying all the time. It seems he only gets upset whenever I enjoy something a bit too much. Good thing I haven't done that in a while. I try to be social, join everyone's little games, yet they always see through me. They know there's something wrong with me as soon as they look at me. I'm a burden to my parents, making them pay so much for my therapy. My dumbass also forgot to buy a ticket for the subway, so now they have to pay for that too.
I want to be good sp bad but I can't be. It's in my blood, it's how my family is. We were all doomed from the start. Ugh.
Everyday I wake up, pray, try to ignore the bad thoughts to no awail. God doesn't keep me safe, probably because all the awful things i've done. I haven't slept in 3 days, everything is distant and unreal. I try to be normal and pretend it's all fine, but I can't. There's something wrong with my brain and my body. I'm constantly in pain, or causing myself pain. People don't try to understand they just expect me to be better. I try so hard but it feels like i'm way too young for the role i'm supposed to fill. Somehow I feel both 9 and 87 at the same time. 19 years of useless life. I can't achieve anything. I can't even draw anymore. I feel so bad for all i've done so why won't it get better already? I'm supposed to have a psych evaluation between the holidays, but no one seems to treat it urgently. Actually, no one seems to treat anything related to me urgently. I don't know what I deserve, but I want to be cared for and loved just once. I'm in a relationship, and I should be happy, but I can't even enjoy that. I want to trust him, but he's lying all the time. It seems he only gets upset whenever I enjoy something a bit too much. Good thing I haven't done that in a while. I try to be social, join everyone's little games, yet they always see through me. They know there's something wrong with me as soon as they look at me. I'm a burden to my parents, making them pay so much for my therapy. My dumbass also forgot to buy a ticket for the subway, so now they have to pay for that too.
I want to be good sp bad but I can't be. It's in my blood, it's how my family is. We were all doomed from the start. Ugh.
