DaisiesRegrets
Ideal and the Real
- May 16, 2025
- 5
Every time I try and think about why my life is the way it is. It always leads back to me and the decisions I've made. I've had this thought sometimes that maybe my life is just a form of entertainment for beings far beyond my comprehension, sort of a way I tried to rationalize the pain in my life. But I know that's not true. Why would anything care about me. I go to therapy and I take antidepressants, I try to exercise and get back into old hobbies. But nothing works. The only thing that ever did was genuine human connection. But it never lasts, and I'm sure it's because of me.
I was in a relationship a couple of months back, one night we were just talking for hours. I told them about a lot of my past traumas, my friends abandoning me, my family and ex's abusing me, growing up in group homes, etc. Funnily enough though, I didn't even share the worst trauma's. We had only been together for a little bit and I figured that I didn't wanna overwhelm my partner, because I'm sure I could keep pulling trauma after trauma from my past. For example, being touched as kid by older family members. I'm a man btw and have learned that it's rather difficult to talk about that sort of trauma when you're a guy. But anyways, when we woke up it seemed like everything was normal. Hell we even made plans to see each other the next day. But after she left my place, I proceeded to take a nap. When I woke up, they had blocked me on all social media platforms. They had only sent me one paragraph, typical "this hurts me as well" and all that. No matter what I said, it wouldn't change anything, no matter what I did. They wouldn't even call me to talk a little, maybe I'm being selfish I guess. Am I truly so worthless as to only get a single paragraph, I mean, we might not see or hear from each other again. But one paragraph? 3 sentences?
Should I just act like all this shit in my life didn't happen. Should I lie and pretend that I have a loving family, have friends, have anything within myself which could count as human. Why can't I be sad? You want me to smile? Why? So you feel better? So you don't have to waste energy worrying about me? Maybe I'm just selfish to believe that I deserve anything from anyone. I'm a psychology student, sort of a way to try and figure out what's wrong with me. I've always wanted to help people who have experienced similar things in their lives. But the only thing that's been hammered home is that people need others in order to get better. It's damn near impossible to do it alone. But what do you do when no one wants to be around you? When your sadness is too much of a burden on the people you love. How do you escape this feedback loop? Do I deserve this? Probably. Why else does it happen?
I just want one person, one person who is always there for me. I know that's too much to ask, but I know I can do that for someone else. Why doesn't anyone want to do it for me? Just one person, please. Someone who can push past all the depression, someone who could lift me up when I'm depressed and knock me down when I'm in over my head or doing something stupid, but will still be there. I just want a real human being in my life.
Thank you for reading these ramblings, I know I can write quite a bit. Please be honest if you comment. Love isn't the only thing that keeps me going, hate's a fuel too. Here's an Aiko pic for your safe travels.
I was in a relationship a couple of months back, one night we were just talking for hours. I told them about a lot of my past traumas, my friends abandoning me, my family and ex's abusing me, growing up in group homes, etc. Funnily enough though, I didn't even share the worst trauma's. We had only been together for a little bit and I figured that I didn't wanna overwhelm my partner, because I'm sure I could keep pulling trauma after trauma from my past. For example, being touched as kid by older family members. I'm a man btw and have learned that it's rather difficult to talk about that sort of trauma when you're a guy. But anyways, when we woke up it seemed like everything was normal. Hell we even made plans to see each other the next day. But after she left my place, I proceeded to take a nap. When I woke up, they had blocked me on all social media platforms. They had only sent me one paragraph, typical "this hurts me as well" and all that. No matter what I said, it wouldn't change anything, no matter what I did. They wouldn't even call me to talk a little, maybe I'm being selfish I guess. Am I truly so worthless as to only get a single paragraph, I mean, we might not see or hear from each other again. But one paragraph? 3 sentences?
Should I just act like all this shit in my life didn't happen. Should I lie and pretend that I have a loving family, have friends, have anything within myself which could count as human. Why can't I be sad? You want me to smile? Why? So you feel better? So you don't have to waste energy worrying about me? Maybe I'm just selfish to believe that I deserve anything from anyone. I'm a psychology student, sort of a way to try and figure out what's wrong with me. I've always wanted to help people who have experienced similar things in their lives. But the only thing that's been hammered home is that people need others in order to get better. It's damn near impossible to do it alone. But what do you do when no one wants to be around you? When your sadness is too much of a burden on the people you love. How do you escape this feedback loop? Do I deserve this? Probably. Why else does it happen?
I just want one person, one person who is always there for me. I know that's too much to ask, but I know I can do that for someone else. Why doesn't anyone want to do it for me? Just one person, please. Someone who can push past all the depression, someone who could lift me up when I'm depressed and knock me down when I'm in over my head or doing something stupid, but will still be there. I just want a real human being in my life.
Thank you for reading these ramblings, I know I can write quite a bit. Please be honest if you comment. Love isn't the only thing that keeps me going, hate's a fuel too. Here's an Aiko pic for your safe travels.
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