EuclidianMisery
Member
- Jun 16, 2026
- 37
Short summary; I'm a person of mixed heritage and have shifted between disdain towards certain races throughout my life.
I've come to recognize that my patterns of hate is starting to affect me in negative ways. I won't specify which groups I've shown disdain towards other than it was against both spectrums of my kind and it has isolated me to utter oblivion. I'm not a supporter of genocide, nor in any way shape or form associated with hate groups. This is my long due confession of how racism has already killed me before suicide did. Before the magnum to my skull brain.
I suppose a story is needed for additional context. With that stated, this is not a pity-farm post. Its a confession and the most honest you'll get from a suicidal person. I will censor certain things for the sake of not triggering anyone and keep things PG rated. If you are a victim of racism, then please take my condolences are sincere and hear that I've made a grave error in my ways of life. That no matter how traumatic my story sounds, its not an excuse to spout hatred towards those of a different skin color. I'm truly sorry for being part of the masses of idiots who hate, and really do feel terrible for my actions.
With everything stated, here's the story.
Decades ago, I was a young child. Patriotic as apple pie, believing skin color was just color and nothing more. That the country was the best in the world, we did no wrong and defeated the nazis. I've also had untreated autism and ADHD, and was placed in special ed for my disabilities. Mind you, I wasn't technically disabled but my teachers thought it appropriate to keep me in 3rd grade math and isolated from the rest of the student body. Anyways I was supposed to be out of special ed by fifth grade and here was were the troubles started. Which coincidentally was over a year before the 2008 financial crises. A bit too coincidental and a brutal entering into my teen years. A complete and utter destruction of innocence performed without my consent.
I won't go into detail of what happened other than it sounded harmless. At first.
We were forced to watch a documentary. Gathered into a dark room. Teacher, a douchebag if we're being honest here, told us we're going to be learning about a specific ethnic group. That this was important and under talked about. That he decided right then and there to single me out as part of said ethnic group. Without my consent. Without my approval. I was at first 'wowed' by it since I didn't know, nor cared about race and thought we were going to be watching a dull but interesting documentary. But no.
We've just watched a legal snuff movie. A lengthy, never ending film reel of cruelty and horrible things done to my ethnic group by the other group of whom I shared heritage with. Mind you, I've stated I was biracial and that meant I was related to both victim and aggressor from over a hundred years ago. But I didn't know what biracial was. I was gullible. I thought I was only one ethnic group and seeing what happened made me cry. Gave me what I've termed 'traumatic depression'. As a kid, it made me depressed for weeks. Worsened my mood and trapped me in special ed for my entire school career. It made me angry that there was no justice for my ethnic group. Made me hate my other side. Made me hate those who did it. Hate their descendants. Hate them all. Hate. Hate. If the burning hatred I've had back then could be manifested into a physical form then it would be as hot as the sun itself and that was when my innocence died. The same teacher was confused why I was crying so much, confused why I've developed depression. Douchebag was playing a fucking idiot cause he knew what he did and didn't want to take responsibility for it. I hope that man burns in hell for all eternity.
Story time over.
None of this traumatic bullshit will excuse my behavior. Sure, I've never said or physically displayed racism towards someone of a different ethnic background. But I did engage with it mentally and online nonetheless and its still equally disgusting as calling someone a slur to their very face. It's disgusting and not normal.
Racism has only resulted in destruction. It has never once benefitted the human race one bit and only made it worse. Miscegenation is natural and healthy. Diverse skin color is beautiful and a reflection of nature's beauty. Cultures are the same too, telling tales of the lands they came from and are the Earth's way of molding people into unique representees of its many secrets it has to offer. Diversity is great. Humanity is beautiful. Racism is ugly.
And racism is killing me this very minute. It has me in a firm chokehold. Making me struggle to breathe and only releasing me when I say or think something hateful. It will never permit me to have peace and trust me when I say its far easier to give in to its demands, rather than pry its hands off when you can't even see the hands and realize--you're choking yourself. Racism isn't a person. Not an idea. It is two things; hateful shit and a person choking themselves out. I was one of those people, my metaphor is kind of made up in the minute but I think it best sums up what racism is. Its dangerous, self-harming, miserable and something that you can pry off if you tell ego to fuck off for a minute. Nearly two decades later I'm still prying those hands off every now and then. Insurance is expensive and therapists even more so. Its a constant tug of war between my throat and hands and every day I notice I can breathe far longer than I did two decades ago. That the amount of time my throat can breathe expanded exponentially and I can have a normal day free of hate. Free to live as is and full of life.
Ted-talk over.
Fuck racism!
Fuck Nazis.
Fuck that douchebag teacher.
Diversity Rocks.
Rant over.
I've come to recognize that my patterns of hate is starting to affect me in negative ways. I won't specify which groups I've shown disdain towards other than it was against both spectrums of my kind and it has isolated me to utter oblivion. I'm not a supporter of genocide, nor in any way shape or form associated with hate groups. This is my long due confession of how racism has already killed me before suicide did. Before the magnum to my skull brain.
I suppose a story is needed for additional context. With that stated, this is not a pity-farm post. Its a confession and the most honest you'll get from a suicidal person. I will censor certain things for the sake of not triggering anyone and keep things PG rated. If you are a victim of racism, then please take my condolences are sincere and hear that I've made a grave error in my ways of life. That no matter how traumatic my story sounds, its not an excuse to spout hatred towards those of a different skin color. I'm truly sorry for being part of the masses of idiots who hate, and really do feel terrible for my actions.
With everything stated, here's the story.
Decades ago, I was a young child. Patriotic as apple pie, believing skin color was just color and nothing more. That the country was the best in the world, we did no wrong and defeated the nazis. I've also had untreated autism and ADHD, and was placed in special ed for my disabilities. Mind you, I wasn't technically disabled but my teachers thought it appropriate to keep me in 3rd grade math and isolated from the rest of the student body. Anyways I was supposed to be out of special ed by fifth grade and here was were the troubles started. Which coincidentally was over a year before the 2008 financial crises. A bit too coincidental and a brutal entering into my teen years. A complete and utter destruction of innocence performed without my consent.
I won't go into detail of what happened other than it sounded harmless. At first.
We were forced to watch a documentary. Gathered into a dark room. Teacher, a douchebag if we're being honest here, told us we're going to be learning about a specific ethnic group. That this was important and under talked about. That he decided right then and there to single me out as part of said ethnic group. Without my consent. Without my approval. I was at first 'wowed' by it since I didn't know, nor cared about race and thought we were going to be watching a dull but interesting documentary. But no.
We've just watched a legal snuff movie. A lengthy, never ending film reel of cruelty and horrible things done to my ethnic group by the other group of whom I shared heritage with. Mind you, I've stated I was biracial and that meant I was related to both victim and aggressor from over a hundred years ago. But I didn't know what biracial was. I was gullible. I thought I was only one ethnic group and seeing what happened made me cry. Gave me what I've termed 'traumatic depression'. As a kid, it made me depressed for weeks. Worsened my mood and trapped me in special ed for my entire school career. It made me angry that there was no justice for my ethnic group. Made me hate my other side. Made me hate those who did it. Hate their descendants. Hate them all. Hate. Hate. If the burning hatred I've had back then could be manifested into a physical form then it would be as hot as the sun itself and that was when my innocence died. The same teacher was confused why I was crying so much, confused why I've developed depression. Douchebag was playing a fucking idiot cause he knew what he did and didn't want to take responsibility for it. I hope that man burns in hell for all eternity.
Story time over.
None of this traumatic bullshit will excuse my behavior. Sure, I've never said or physically displayed racism towards someone of a different ethnic background. But I did engage with it mentally and online nonetheless and its still equally disgusting as calling someone a slur to their very face. It's disgusting and not normal.
Racism has only resulted in destruction. It has never once benefitted the human race one bit and only made it worse. Miscegenation is natural and healthy. Diverse skin color is beautiful and a reflection of nature's beauty. Cultures are the same too, telling tales of the lands they came from and are the Earth's way of molding people into unique representees of its many secrets it has to offer. Diversity is great. Humanity is beautiful. Racism is ugly.
And racism is killing me this very minute. It has me in a firm chokehold. Making me struggle to breathe and only releasing me when I say or think something hateful. It will never permit me to have peace and trust me when I say its far easier to give in to its demands, rather than pry its hands off when you can't even see the hands and realize--you're choking yourself. Racism isn't a person. Not an idea. It is two things; hateful shit and a person choking themselves out. I was one of those people, my metaphor is kind of made up in the minute but I think it best sums up what racism is. Its dangerous, self-harming, miserable and something that you can pry off if you tell ego to fuck off for a minute. Nearly two decades later I'm still prying those hands off every now and then. Insurance is expensive and therapists even more so. Its a constant tug of war between my throat and hands and every day I notice I can breathe far longer than I did two decades ago. That the amount of time my throat can breathe expanded exponentially and I can have a normal day free of hate. Free to live as is and full of life.
Ted-talk over.
Fuck racism!
Fuck Nazis.
Fuck that douchebag teacher.
Diversity Rocks.
Rant over.
