r e c o v e r ?

[stellabelle]

what does that even mean?

for me

it was waking up in the icu two days later with a scratchy voice and the moment my eyes opened, wishing that i could just get gone and be suspended in time once again

it was meeting others in a hellhole and doing art

it was going back to the same old bullshit that lead me there

it was plotting and planning and pondering and delays and tragedies and

eventually it was grabbing a suitcase with just enough in it and jumping on a train

sometimes it's all change

and life is like day and night and the earth itself, you have your clouds and storms and clear skies and long dark winters, icy heart frozen over

you begin to thaw and slowly things fall into place and the flowers start to bloom and you still struggle day to day and night by night but you finally reach out for help and actually want to stick to it

you still lay there and tell your partner that you don't want to wake up at all. you feel like you're staring at your own reflection sometimes and you realize that this is a fragile world and we are all about to shatter

but you smile and you laugh and you joke around and you have fun and you try and you try and you try and it's exhausting, but you just keep waking up and doing it again.

 

[pole]

ideally, trying to get better. but it seems like there's endless obstacles that hold you back when trying to get better; and it gets to the point, where you're tired of seeing the same outcome.