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i am so lainpilled :3 (? days left)
- Apr 15, 2023
- 240
I've already dropped out and have since pushed my senior year to 2025 as opposed to graduating this year (and in fact, graduation was a few days ago). I currently do school online but I find that I have no motivation to do anything anymore. I think my spirit was crushed heavily a couple months ago and finished off by my job not too long ago. I was supposed to be the first person in my family to graduate in this country but here I am. I used to be so full of light and motivation, despite my abusive situation. I used to see myself as someone who could've changed the world or at the very least, made a difference to those around me.
But that light has since been snuffed. I can't take it anymore. I no longer want to be an outlet for people's anger, frustatation and desires. I'd rather be free. Sometimes I look at older assignments of mine and feel so detached, like, it doesn't even seem like it ever came from me. For all I can recall, I've always been a screw up with no future and that's why I've been abused and tormented by everyone since the beginning.
I enrolled in this online program at a state technical and vocational college as a way of taking back my life and being able to attend university (a lifelong dream of mine since I wanted to be able to land a good job and finally not lead a life of poverty and abuse) but I'm just losing faith and don't care anymore, having to push it to 2025 is beyond infuriating to me however since I joined mid-year and lack much motivation, it's unlikely that I'll be able to complete the course in time for exams next year. I really, really, REALLY hate being at home though, with my mother of course. She is an insufferable creature that constantly spews negativity and lacks any emotional immaturity and constantly rearranges and goes through my stuff all the time. She has this habit of throwing out things of value to me which is just beyond words. A notable example would be my collection of mental health referral papers (from when I still had some faith in the system) that I was going to use to both sort out my life and also access disability provisions for my online course but despite my best efforts to hide them in a niche spot, she definitely threw them out and continues to deny ever doing so.
Although she's mellowed out somewhat (after I left for 3-4 years), she has subjected me to some horrendous abuse in the past. I was constantly her punching bag and told I should have never been born. I had to go to school with bruises and injuries only to be treated like an outcast by students (and blamed for this by teachers) only to go home and have the living daylights beaten out of me and berated severely after having the school call to complain about me sitting in the bathrooms during recess for the 484729472984983th time. I won't go into full details here (any curious people can simply search through my post history) but sometimes when I watch true crime documentaries pertaining to child victims of abuse, I can see my younger and more vulnerable self in them.
Another thing that infuriates me is what occurred after being discharged from hospital. I was unable to eat, talk or do anything really due to the trauma of the past month (I weighed less than 45kg/100lbs during this time which is very much underweight for my height) so my younger sister had to take care of me and prepare meals etc etc. You're probably wondering where she was in all this? Well, she was simply putting holy water on everything and practicing her bizarre religious rituals and still attributing all of my problems to some sort of mythical "demon" figure. Yeah...
But basically, I'm just so fucking done with life. Fuck CAMHS. Fuck my parents and family. Fuck school. Fuck bullshit "gifted kid" classes. Fuck the education system and most importantly, fuck this existence. I should have never been born to such incompetent bastards. Never asked for this shit. I was just destined to fail, especially combined with my likely learning disabilities (of which the symptoms have always been dismissed since I'm "smart" despite having shit attendance and declining grades) I want to quit and then CTB myself. I'll live blog it anyways when that day comes. If you see some news article pop up about a suicide in a fancy hotel in Australia somewhere, there's your fucking proof. (it's not super duper likely since we've got privacy laws and that)
But that light has since been snuffed. I can't take it anymore. I no longer want to be an outlet for people's anger, frustatation and desires. I'd rather be free. Sometimes I look at older assignments of mine and feel so detached, like, it doesn't even seem like it ever came from me. For all I can recall, I've always been a screw up with no future and that's why I've been abused and tormented by everyone since the beginning.
I enrolled in this online program at a state technical and vocational college as a way of taking back my life and being able to attend university (a lifelong dream of mine since I wanted to be able to land a good job and finally not lead a life of poverty and abuse) but I'm just losing faith and don't care anymore, having to push it to 2025 is beyond infuriating to me however since I joined mid-year and lack much motivation, it's unlikely that I'll be able to complete the course in time for exams next year. I really, really, REALLY hate being at home though, with my mother of course. She is an insufferable creature that constantly spews negativity and lacks any emotional immaturity and constantly rearranges and goes through my stuff all the time. She has this habit of throwing out things of value to me which is just beyond words. A notable example would be my collection of mental health referral papers (from when I still had some faith in the system) that I was going to use to both sort out my life and also access disability provisions for my online course but despite my best efforts to hide them in a niche spot, she definitely threw them out and continues to deny ever doing so.
Although she's mellowed out somewhat (after I left for 3-4 years), she has subjected me to some horrendous abuse in the past. I was constantly her punching bag and told I should have never been born. I had to go to school with bruises and injuries only to be treated like an outcast by students (and blamed for this by teachers) only to go home and have the living daylights beaten out of me and berated severely after having the school call to complain about me sitting in the bathrooms during recess for the 484729472984983th time. I won't go into full details here (any curious people can simply search through my post history) but sometimes when I watch true crime documentaries pertaining to child victims of abuse, I can see my younger and more vulnerable self in them.
Another thing that infuriates me is what occurred after being discharged from hospital. I was unable to eat, talk or do anything really due to the trauma of the past month (I weighed less than 45kg/100lbs during this time which is very much underweight for my height) so my younger sister had to take care of me and prepare meals etc etc. You're probably wondering where she was in all this? Well, she was simply putting holy water on everything and practicing her bizarre religious rituals and still attributing all of my problems to some sort of mythical "demon" figure. Yeah...
But basically, I'm just so fucking done with life. Fuck CAMHS. Fuck my parents and family. Fuck school. Fuck bullshit "gifted kid" classes. Fuck the education system and most importantly, fuck this existence. I should have never been born to such incompetent bastards. Never asked for this shit. I was just destined to fail, especially combined with my likely learning disabilities (of which the symptoms have always been dismissed since I'm "smart" despite having shit attendance and declining grades) I want to quit and then CTB myself. I'll live blog it anyways when that day comes. If you see some news article pop up about a suicide in a fancy hotel in Australia somewhere, there's your fucking proof. (it's not super duper likely since we've got privacy laws and that)
