wishingonstars
Student
- Aug 6, 2025
- 110
I'm back. I was really hoping I wouldn't want to come back to this site because although it has helped me in many ways I wanted to be in a head space where I wasn't thinking about suicide all the time.
I recap of the past few months - I went to a residential rehab program for a month for mental health (PTSD, depression, anxiety) and then transitioned to PHP at the same place for another month. In that time I also did a full TMS treatment and added meds to my already long list of meds. I have been out about 6 weeks now back home and I am slowly slipping back to where I was before. I told myself that if the treatment didn't help I would give myself permission to end things but the problem is that it did help and I actually felt somewhat decent the last two weeks I was there and I still can't stomach the thought of hurting the people who care about me.
Also I was hoping to maintain the TMS treatment with a session every week or two but it turns out my nice (really expensive) insurance denied half of the treatments that I was told by multiple people (including my insurance) were completely covered and so I am needing to fight that before I can even consider more. The other thing I haven't tried is ketamine therapy but I can't afford that right now. I've also been in therapy the vast majority of my life and have done about every type there is.
My question is what else can I do? What else is there that can make living bearable and leave me in a state that I can work my full time job, take care of myself and my elderly cat, and ideally try to slowly chip away at a degree even if it's just one class at a time?
Mind altering substances are not an option, alcohol when I'm already depressed makes me severely suicidal and while weed helps in the moment I can't function properly with it and I already deal with too much fatigue to endure the hangovers I get from it. I don't want to be a massive burden to people, I have a close relative who is an alcoholic and struggles with other addictions as well and to me putting that burden on my family would be just as bad as killing myself having seen close hand what my relative struggling with that has done to my family. Plus that'd just be dragging things out and I'd still feel like shit.
I need anything that will keep me clear and functioning while also not wanting to kill myself or relapse with self harm. Meds, treatments, whatever, I just need to know if anyone has found something that makes keeping going possible when you have tried everything. I'm tired of talking to therapists and looking things up online and everything only to get the same advice that I am already trying over and over and over. There has to be something else.
I recap of the past few months - I went to a residential rehab program for a month for mental health (PTSD, depression, anxiety) and then transitioned to PHP at the same place for another month. In that time I also did a full TMS treatment and added meds to my already long list of meds. I have been out about 6 weeks now back home and I am slowly slipping back to where I was before. I told myself that if the treatment didn't help I would give myself permission to end things but the problem is that it did help and I actually felt somewhat decent the last two weeks I was there and I still can't stomach the thought of hurting the people who care about me.
Also I was hoping to maintain the TMS treatment with a session every week or two but it turns out my nice (really expensive) insurance denied half of the treatments that I was told by multiple people (including my insurance) were completely covered and so I am needing to fight that before I can even consider more. The other thing I haven't tried is ketamine therapy but I can't afford that right now. I've also been in therapy the vast majority of my life and have done about every type there is.
My question is what else can I do? What else is there that can make living bearable and leave me in a state that I can work my full time job, take care of myself and my elderly cat, and ideally try to slowly chip away at a degree even if it's just one class at a time?
Mind altering substances are not an option, alcohol when I'm already depressed makes me severely suicidal and while weed helps in the moment I can't function properly with it and I already deal with too much fatigue to endure the hangovers I get from it. I don't want to be a massive burden to people, I have a close relative who is an alcoholic and struggles with other addictions as well and to me putting that burden on my family would be just as bad as killing myself having seen close hand what my relative struggling with that has done to my family. Plus that'd just be dragging things out and I'd still feel like shit.
I need anything that will keep me clear and functioning while also not wanting to kill myself or relapse with self harm. Meds, treatments, whatever, I just need to know if anyone has found something that makes keeping going possible when you have tried everything. I'm tired of talking to therapists and looking things up online and everything only to get the same advice that I am already trying over and over and over. There has to be something else.
