Help Question….

[dewasrite]

I am new to this site and I am kinda confused. I am struggling to make it through the day, everyday. I have been wanting to ctb for 37 years, I wish that number was an exaggeration. I have had many different plans, tried all the meds, did all the therapy, ect, applied for brain surgery (turned down by insurance), hospitalizations… the whole thing. I can relate to so many discussions and so many people here but I have to admit there is something that is confusing to me and I am hoping someone can explain. Please know this is genuine.
I have seen so many people saying that they are nervous about catching the bus because of their loved ones. That makes sense… but… if you are lucky enough to have loved ones- people who will be crushed, devastated, hurt, whatever word works- then why do you feel it is necessary? I was recently in a hospital program and everyday for 6 weeks I had to answer the same 4 questions out loud, and one of them was "who would you call in a crisis?". I spent everyday of those 6 weeks just wishing there was something I could say besides "the help center or I can text 988." I hated saying that because I really don't believe there is help out there. The hospital can't help me they can only keep me alive. Meds haven't helped, therapy hasn't helped. I just get worse and worse and I don't have anyone in my life that would be impacted- negatively or at all. I feel like having someone that would care if you died means there may be someone who is able to, and probably really wants to, help. Wouldn't someone being upset mean that someone wants you around and thinks your life means something? I wonder why that isn't something worth living for? Again, that is a genuine question. No judgement, I just really want to understand.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Why should anyone else have any say over whether I live or die? Over how long I continue to suffer in physical and mental agony day after day after day? Why is their comfort worth more than mine?

No one in my life can undamage the nerves that cause me pain every day. They can't remove my OCD or bipolar disorder. They can't vanish the seizures or tumor in my head. There is literally nothing they can do for me.

 

[dewasrite]

I never intended to imply that one persons feelings were somehow more important. I guess I just wanted to think that if someone cared about me I might feel a desire to live.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me forcing people to suffer in this dreadful, torturous existence all for the sake of others would be extreme cruelty, ceasing to exist is a personal decision and not something for others to decide and for me only non-existence is all that's positive and desirable, nothing would make me wish for the suffering and torture of this deeply undesirable existence I just always saw as a mistake.

I find it the most terrible tragedy how this existence was imposed at all causing all this dreadful suffering as a result with no limit as to how much one can be tortured, to be conscious burdened with this existence is just always an abomination to me, to be tortured in this existence for decades longer just to face the agony of old age would be the most terrible punishment to me. All I want is non-existence and for me ceasing to exist would be the positive solution not something I need helping from, I'll just always prefer to not exist than suffer in this futile, harmful and cruel existence that was always so unnecessary in the first place.

 

[BullsDon'tFly]

I see your point, and that's one of the reasons someone chooses to endure pain and try to continue their journey, being there for people that love them and not making them suffer. But sometimes pain and despair and hopelessness are too strong and having people around isn't enough to keep someone willing to live. CTB is a selfish act, irreperable and traumatic for people around you, so it is breaking up with someone. They will suffer a lot of pain, but you'll do it anyway if you cannot sustain the relationship anymore, even if you hope them the best. The same with CTB, it's not about them, it's about you...

 

[mychois]

I can relate to your sufferings. This is genuine fact: when I fill in the "Next of kin" part in job application forms, I always can only write down "Nil". I wish you to know that when luck is not on your side, life can be harsh, and you are not (suffering) alone. May this ease your pain.

 

[Qilio3]

Last year, I made friends and a girlfriend on purpose. And it helps to some extent. You understand that you can't just up and leave. However... for me, it definitely doesn't work. Fortunately, my girlfriend and I broke up. Fortunately, it was her initiative. And yet, I didn't tell her about my recent struggles with suicidal thoughts, and she doesn't know anything. My friends know. But the thing is, my desire to leave this life is stronger than all other desires. And no amount of support helps here. Thanks to my friends' support, I only postponed suicide. I gave myself some time. For me, suicide, you could say, is already the meaning of life, my purpose, my dream, my happy ending. (Although this is the last resort for all my problems... yes, I gave up... almost...)

 

[mychois]

I never intended to imply that one persons feelings were somehow more important. I guess I just wanted to think that if someone cared about me I might feel a desire to live.

Do you want to talk about why it's difficult or impossible for you to make friends?

 

[Forever Sleep]

It probably depends what problem the suicidal person is dealing with. If they are say gender dysphoric or struggling with mental illness, they may have very good friends still who care and are compassionate but- they can't actually do anything to fix how they feel in themselves.

Say you see no future for yourself, you feel no joy in hobbies, you have no wish to work. How would having those who care about you really help there? They've got to be pretty incredible friends or even family to say- not to worry- you can live with us- we'll look after you- forever. I doubt many people are quite that understanding! So- they may care emotionally but not practically.

Plus- it's the depth of friendship too. I'd say I have friends who would be sad if they got the news I was gone. But- these people have their own lives and families themselves now. Maybe in an emergency, they would still be there for me but, I haven't seen them in 8-20 years in some cases. So- it depends on how much you need to sustain you. Plus- you kind of know you'll be a burden on someone who is already struggling to support their own family.

I think the 'problem' with depressed and suicidal people is- we are often very needy. I certainly was when friends were around. It's simply too intense for a lot of people.

Same goes with family. Even if they do care, they may not entirely understand. Would it really help you say if family members told you: 'You just need to find a job or partner'. Like it's just something easy you ought to be able to just do. Then- they get frustrated and annoyed with you when you can't or don't.

I think maybe those who long to have people in their lives (which is understandable) have a rose tinted idea that those who love us will do so unconditionally. That they won't in fact lay just as many expectations on us as everyone else.

I remember a gay guy here was jealous of the relationship I had with my Dad. He said he wished his Dad had been like that. But- it's like- I doubt you would. My Dad can be extremely homophobic. He'd maybe try to conceal it if their child came out gay but- you would have grown up with homophobic remarks for decades. You'd know how they felt deep down. People just seem to cherry pick when they think about relationships.

You can unfortunately end up finding that the people that are in your life aren't actually supportive but, they still tether you here. So- a jailer rather than a carer.

Also- why do they want you around? Because you're useful to them? So- it depends on the relationship too. Being needed isn't always a good thing if it has become mostly one way. Then, it's just exhausting. Do you really want to be told you need to stick around- even if you're struggling enormously- because they still need you?

I think you're assuming all relationships are equally reciprocal when, they're not always. And sometimes, it isn't even their fault. Maybe they just genuinely can't help us anymore.

I suppose it's that whole conundrum of: Would you prefer to feel lonely alone or, lonely when you are around others? I think it's so much worse to feel lonely when you are actually with people.

 

[thefarter]

honestly when i get so low to the point of wanting to kill myself, i convince myself that everyone . everyone ever that i have ever interacted with would be better off if i were buried in the ground. like the entire world would be a better off place if i am dead. and my family would also be better off. when i am dead. so that's that

 

[dewasrite]

I see your point, and that's one of the reasons someone chooses to endure pain and try to continue their journey, being there for people that love them and not making them suffer. But sometimes pain and despair and hopelessness are too strong and having people around isn't enough to keep someone willing to live. CTB is a selfish act, irreperable and traumatic for people around you, so it is breaking up with someone. They will suffer a lot of pain, but you'll do it anyway if you cannot sustain the relationship anymore, even if you hope them the best. The same with CTB, it's not about them, it's about you...

That makes so much sense to me! Thank you so much for a kind and thoughtful answer. I was really just struggling to understand since my situation seems to be so similar to many in this community. I didn't understand the connection to others not being enough and or helpful, since I have no real relationships but I do understand the need to leave someone even if you love them.

Do you want to talk about why it's difficult or impossible for you to make friends?

I mean… no. Not really. I already feel horrible enough I absolutely don't do well when I wallow in it. Wait… is that what my question is doing? OMG- I am so sorry. That was not my intention.

 

[BullsDon'tFly]

That makes so much sense to me! Thank you so much for a kind and thoughtful answer. I was really just struggling to understand since my situation seems to be so similar to many in this community. I didn't understand the connection to others not being enough and or helpful, since I have no real relationships but I do understand the need to leave someone even if you love them.

You're welcome, it was an analogy I've never thought of before and your post made me link the two scenarios, so I have to thank you too. I hope you'll find what you're searching for.

 

[dewasrite]

It probably depends what problem the suicidal person is dealing with. If they are say gender dysphoric or struggling with mental illness, they may have very good friends still who care and are compassionate but- they can't actually do anything to fix how they feel in themselves.

Say you see no future for yourself, you feel no joy in hobbies, you have no wish to work. How would having those who care about you really help there? They've got to be pretty incredible friends or even family to say- not to worry- you can live with us- we'll look after you- forever. I doubt many people are quite that understanding! So- they may care emotionally but not practically.

Plus- it's the depth of friendship too. I'd say I have friends who would be sad if they got the news I was gone. But- these people have their own lives and families themselves now. Maybe in an emergency, they would still be there for me but, I haven't seen them in 8-20 years in some cases. So- it depends on how much you need to sustain you. Plus- you kind of know you'll be a burden on someone who is already struggling to support their own family.

I think the 'problem' with depressed and suicidal people is- we are often very needy. I certainly was when friends were around. It's simply too intense for a lot of people.

Same goes with family. Even if they do care, they may not entirely understand. Would it really help you say if family members told you: 'You just need to find a job or partner'. Like it's just something easy you ought to be able to just do. Then- they get frustrated and annoyed with you when you can't or don't.

I think maybe those who long to have people in their lives (which is understandable) have a rose tinted idea that those who love us will do so unconditionally. That they won't in fact lay just as many expectations on us as everyone else.

I remember a gay guy here was jealous of the relationship I had with my Dad. He said he wished his Dad had been like that. But- it's like- I doubt you would. My Dad can be extremely homophobic. He'd maybe try to conceal it if their child came out gay but- you would have grown up with homophobic remarks for decades. You'd know how they felt deep down. People just seem to cherry pick when they think about relationships.

You can unfortunately end up finding that the people that are in your life aren't actually supportive but, they still tether you here. So- a jailer rather than a carer.

Also- why do they want you around? Because you're useful to them? So- it depends on the relationship too. Being needed isn't always a good thing if it has become mostly one way. Then, it's just exhausting. Do you really want to be told you need to stick around- even if you're struggling enormously- because they still need you?

I think you're assuming all relationships are equally reciprocal when, they're not always. And sometimes, it isn't even their fault. Maybe they just genuinely can't help us anymore.

I suppose it's that whole conundrum of: Would you prefer to feel lonely alone or, lonely when you are around others? I think it's so much worse to feel lonely when you are actually with people.

Yeah I guess my question doesn't really allow for the kind of answer that covers all different relationships. I do have relationships, but none of them are close enough to me to be affected at all when I ctb.

 

[urgent]

I understand what you mean. If you are suffering physically mentally or both you are still struggling with or without someone who loves you, how much money you have, it doesn't make your pain go away. Yes things like that can help some people but if you have cancer it doesn't matter who or what you still have cancer. Everyone has different circumstances but even love can't cure everything. For some it makes it worse. People can make you feel guilty when they think you could get better as if you want to be suffering. The illnesses and pain I have can't get better. Look at all the celebrities that kts. Just because you have love,money, success doesn't mean you can't be ill. So many try the if I get this job I'll be better or a house, money. If you're homeless or wealthy you can't cure a disease, you just have more ways to try to.