iamalreadydead
Student
- Nov 25, 2022
- 139
i'm a very stunted person, it's obvious to everyone i let close to me, i can mask well but i tend to find i come off as a child in attitude. i engage in really childish shit like having a lot of dolls and playing baby games and shit. i'm very aware of it. I am also aware of the fact that i usually engage with these things, like being very involved in these childish fantasy lands etc, because I get unbearably scared throughout the day, of random shit. I get 'flashbacks' to certain things and i start feeling these pangs of coldness coming in waves and it just feels like i'm going to die or be killed and i get premonitions about it and shit. i don't have sex because i'm disgusted by it because of past experiences and I think it sort of plays into just not wanting to grow up or deal with my shit, because i do think i'd enjoy regular sex with someone i care about, but i don't want to work on whatever i need to work on to be comfortable with it. I'd rather not. I'd really just rather watch my little pony or some shit. I can't watch scary movies often anymore because they paralyze me. I recently watched a movie called "lake mungo" with 2 friends and the things that were being described felt very close to how i feel almost on the daily, like literally everything about it rang true to me and my current experiences and it really fucked with me badly. Couldn't sleep, felt like i was gonna die all night. But anyway. I'm 20, about to be 21, and I'm starting to get the feeling that people are really disgusted by this behavior. Not that I actually give a shit, It's not like i rely on people for shit or think they give a fuck about my problems or feelings, but people are really put off by this for a lot of reasons, namely I get worried about people taking it in a pedophilia direction, which concerns me because the more I think about it i realize I'd also be uncomfortable with someone well into their adulthood acting like that and surrounding themselves with shit like this. Like, am i gonna get to 30 or 40 years old still acting like this? I don't really think it's worth letting go of though. I like regressing. It makes me feel safe. But what am i supposed to do when I get a little earlier, like literally as early as 25 or 26? Just drop everything that makes me feel okay?
