Despite everything, I'm still alive, which, I guess, is a plus. But I really do feel fucked up right now. I got triggered really bad today and that led to a spiral that reminded me of how nobody has ever not treated me like a pariah when all I do is try my best to please them. On top of that I know there's no way I'll ever become anything or even have a vaguely enjoyable life and the only thing keeping me alive is that I insist on waiting until I have something to give me even the smallest legacy instead of fizzling out and becoming forgotten. Idk if I wanna go through with it--I'm considering it--but it really feels like I'm running out of reasons to not do it. I really don't feel like there's a future where I'll be happy and not have to be afraid of getting messed up about things that are literally unavoidable.
