That's insane!! You've been through so much with these drugs, can't believe you lost the ability to swallow, like wtf? Rant all you want, you deserve to, what a hellish experience! What did the kindling feel like for you?
I was damaged by Effexor. Got protracted withdrawal a couple months after stopping it and of course no doctors believed me, they thought it was my original "illness," except I never felt that horrible in my life and I had such bizarre bodily symptoms that didnt mske any sense. I fucked myself up worse by attempting to reinstate which I learned about in a forum, where I listened to the worst advice instead of the good. Reinstating fucked my ears up and that sent me into a spiral. Tried a supplement to help with my mood and I believe I was "kindled" by that. I got horrible shaking/Akathisia like symptoms, insomnia and ended up in hospital. The managed to control it with propranolol and klonopin but didnt prescribe me anything upon discharge. The horrible shaking came back and i made a suicidal gesture, my mom called the cops on me and I was thrown back into hospital and forced onto risperidone. After tapering risperidone and then re upping the risperidone I had a bad reaction and ended up hospitalized for the third time where they put me on seroquel. I have so much regret and hate for myself because I cojld have prevented all of this if I never reinstated or took the supplement.
Hey I just wanted to say something to you. First, I'm in a similar situation though much older than you I think. I have long lasting akathisia from my doctor CTing me off cymbalta and then later putting me on Abilify plus a variety of other crap, tried to reinstate as well though way too late, although I was already unable then to take any antidepressants without experiencing akathisia and my dr should have known better. I checked myself into three different hospitals, took me months to get a diagnosis and I'm still feeling awful but stuck on Valium plus three other meds. No Akathisia medicines work for me. Akathisia is now mostly internal like a permanent panic attack, shaking burning body etc. there is no break or help except maybe time. So far it's been a year.
The main thing I wanted to say — I understand your regret and self-blame. But there is NO WAY this is your fault. Doctors should have known better. Ultimately it's an FDA and big pharma fault in a million ways. You did not do this to yourself even though you are grieving and your mind is blaming you. It's not your fault, not your fault, not your fault. No one injured by psychiatric drugs like this is to blame. That may not help you feel any better . But it's not your fault. Even if your illness is telling you it is.
For what it's worth, I think you're still young enough to heal. Try to stay out of the hospital. You might want to wait a little to ctb , I don't know. I don't know where you are, but there are psychiatrists who will believe you and specialize in people harmed by psychiatric drugs and helping taper off them. You might heal — you are young.
(Im here and may cbt because I'm older and may not be able to heal.)
I am thinking of you and wishing you peace.
