Venting processing rape and thinking about the future

[cornicecream]

i was 16 when i started sort of dating this guy. Only managed to cut off contact with him earlier this year (I'm 21 now). I don't remember exactly when the rape happened between that time, but there were definitely so many times when I was coerced into sleeping with him. I talked to him about it multiple times, and he would be sorry, and it would happen again. I tried to break it off many times, but he implied he would self harm, and he did. It felt so helpless, like no matter what boundary I set and no matter what I did didn't matter, because he was sorry and would do better and it wasn't bad 24/7 since we were happy other times, and my family loved him so surely it was forgivable and there was no point. Eventually though, I managed to feel more apathetic towards him and stopped caring what he'd say if I left. So I tried to not be interested and eventually just stopped responding to him (told him I felt better not talking to him) and he got the hint (so far. I'm still scared that when the dogs bark outside it means he's out my door. It hasn't happened yet though)

Anyway, I thought I was over that. I mean I was free. Logically, the cause (him) of my problem (feeling trapped and not respected) was gone. I thought I had gone through the processing phase. Maybe I did, and healing isn't linear blablabla. But then my last year of college started (which is infamously the most stressful year) and I just have zero motivation. I want to pass of course (I'm usually a straight A student and i still wanna be that) but i just cant find it in me to care about getting there. I feel bad though since we are currently strugglign with money, and ive convinced myself that if i dont do well then i cant get into a high paying job, and if i cant do taht then everyone will struggle even more. I know all that, but i just feel so demotivated. i care but i cant do much about it at the moment. and i feel like a large part of that is burnout from the relationship i had, and maybe im trying to reclaim some time to myself. But i dont know. there's burnout from school too of course. and burnout from interacting with people and being insecure and feeling unwanted. and feelings i had as a kid (ignored, unwanted, unimportant) getting stronger after all those experiences, and ive recently also discovered a pattern with my menstrual cycle that when it comes near i am infinitely more depressed. see i understand the pattern, i understand the cause, i get where i want to be uni-wise, and i get logically that people probably dont hate me. i know all that logically. but i cant know it emotionally.

its been especially difficult and the passive ideation has been so much stronger. im in a third world country with no ounce of financial freedom and i feel like such a leech to my family. dying is never something i would act on because not only is it a hassle to deal with, but i dont want to put my family through that. while i know all these things logically and to some extent know why i feel this way, i cant shake the emotions that come with it and oftentimes i resort to slipping into the comfort and familiarity of thinking about death and the conditions under which i may do it in some sort of sick fantasy

its just why cant i ever set boundaries that stick. why does no one care about how my day went. why did i have to get raped and unable to leave the relationship when i wasnt doing so well to begin with. all of this is in my control and yet i let it go so out of control and now im paying the price for being the people pleaser that i am

sorry if this doesnt make sense. i feel like ive been in a downward spiral forever. i promise im more put together than this on a normal day in front of people.

 

[Enlighten]

i was 16 when i started sort of dating this guy. Only managed to cut off contact with him earlier this year (I'm 21 now). I don't remember exactly when the rape happened between that time, but there were definitely so many times when I was coerced into sleeping with him. I talked to him about it multiple times, and he would be sorry, and it would happen again. I tried to break it off many times, but he implied he would self harm, and he did. It felt so helpless, like no matter what boundary I set and no matter what I did didn't matter, because he was sorry and would do better and it wasn't bad 24/7 since we were happy other times, and my family loved him so surely it was forgivable and there was no point. Eventually though, I managed to feel more apathetic towards him and stopped caring what he'd say if I left. So I tried to not be interested and eventually just stopped responding to him (told him I felt better not talking to him) and he got the hint (so far. I'm still scared that when the dogs bark outside it means he's out my door. It hasn't happened yet though)

Anyway, I thought I was over that. I mean I was free. Logically, the cause (him) of my problem (feeling trapped and not respected) was gone. I thought I had gone through the processing phase. Maybe I did, and healing isn't linear blablabla. But then my last year of college started (which is infamously the most stressful year) and I just have zero motivation. I want to pass of course (I'm usually a straight A student and i still wanna be that) but i just cant find it in me to care about getting there. I feel bad though since we are currently strugglign with money, and ive convinced myself that if i dont do well then i cant get into a high paying job, and if i cant do taht then everyone will struggle even more. I know all that, but i just feel so demotivated. i care but i cant do much about it at the moment. and i feel like a large part of that is burnout from the relationship i had, and maybe im trying to reclaim some time to myself. But i dont know. there's burnout from school too of course. and burnout from interacting with people and being insecure and feeling unwanted. and feelings i had as a kid (ignored, unwanted, unimportant) getting stronger after all those experiences, and ive recently also discovered a pattern with my menstrual cycle that when it comes near i am infinitely more depressed. see i understand the pattern, i understand the cause, i get where i want to be uni-wise, and i get logically that people probably dont hate me. i know all that logically. but i cant know it emotionally.

its been especially difficult and the passive ideation has been so much stronger. im in a third world country with no ounce of financial freedom and i feel like such a leech to my family. dying is never something i would act on because not only is it a hassle to deal with, but i dont want to put my family through that. while i know all these things logically and to some extent know why i feel this way, i cant shake the emotions that come with it and oftentimes i resort to slipping into the comfort and familiarity of thinking about death and the conditions under which i may do it in some sort of sick fantasy

its just why cant i ever set boundaries that stick. why does no one care about how my day went. why did i have to get raped and unable to leave the relationship when i wasnt doing so well to begin with. all of this is in my control and yet i let it go so out of control and now im paying the price for being the people pleaser that i am

sorry if this doesnt make sense. i feel like ive been in a downward spiral forever. i promise im more put together than this on a normal day in front of people.

I'm sorry for what you went through. It's a shame that these still happen in 2023, where you would expect the world to be civilized.
I also understand you demotivation for college, i was quite unmotivated with my last year aswell. I ended up pulling through just enough to graduate, since i didn't want the previous years to be "for nothing".
I hope you can find some strength within you to push you for this last bit.
If you want to talk about it, you can add me on discord "gigag33rt" or DM me when you unlock that possibility.

 

[cornicecream]

I'm sorry for what you went through. It's a shame that these still happen in 2023, where you would expect the world to be civilized.
I also understand you demotivation for college, i was quite unmotivated with my last year aswell. I ended up pulling through just enough to graduate, since i didn't want the previous years to be "for nothing".
I hope you can find some strength within you to push you for this last bit.
If you want to talk about it, you can add me on discord "gigag33rt" or DM me when you unlock that possibility.

Thank you! I'm getting by, even if barely, but getting by nonetheless. Not like I have a choice lmao. But thanks, i appreciate your reply! this was my first post on here and it feels so good to finally get it out~ will keep the messaging invite in mind <3 hope your day is going well!!

 

[Cress]

I'm sorry that you suffered like that. No one deserves suffering. You're not a leech to your family we all need people to Lean on And I'm sure they want you to reach your full potential in your school And don't view you in a negative way. Burnout from school is a real thing i'm sorry I don't have any real advice regarding that.

I'm sorry that no one in your life is asking you how your day is going And that you feel neglected by people in your life. All we can really do is listen to your story. I hope tomorrow is a little easier to get through

 

[Gleysson]

I'm so very sorry you endured this for so long. No one should have to go through this and I commend you for your bravery on telling him to go. He's a twisted man and you deserve better. You deserve to be loved and to have sex or any physical touch only when you are comfortable.

I was raped when I was 12 and it kinda haunts me to this day. Sometimes I get flashbacks and I physically feel things I don't like. But I went through a lot of therapy, talked to my mom (she is my world and the most powerful woman I know), and went on. And sometimes I still see my rapist. We were in similar circles back in school so sometimes we see each other. And today, I hold absolutely no grudges against him. He has a child now. He's working to maintain his new family and overall, he seems good. I'm not saying you should forget or just accept him into your life. You were repeatedly abused. This asshole should be far away from you. My case is my case, and yours is yours.

I'm saying that once I let the anger go, I moved on. Got back on my feet and now live with my gf and our 3 cats. And I love my life now. I still have traumas, I still have sexual problems. But they are much better now.

The anger, resentment and violation are going to sting for a long time. But I promise you. You have to face them. And the beginning is going to hurt. A lot. You'll maybe feel powerless, destroyed, depressed. But as time goes on, you'll start to heal, and become better.

You don't have to feel forced again. Do things at your own pace. Feel what you want to feel. Discover your sexuality and your preferences.

Suicidal thoughts come normally. You are severely hurt. Don't feel weak about it. It's your mind wanting peace. But I promise you. There is peace here. There is someone for you that will treat you good. Or if you don't want it, a pet saves lives.

Not having someone asking how your day was was my routine for about 10 years. Not that my mom didn't cared it's just that we were far away. When my gf started asking me, I just couldn't come up with anything. I gave some simple answers and that was it. I'm sorry you're going through this now.


There is hope, there is space for you, and there is someone who will respect you. You are valued, you are cared. Don't give yourself to men who lie. Find someone with truth.

I'm here for you. We are here for you. And talking about it (mainly with a professional, like a psychologist or psychiatrist) will give you tools to face it.

Scars don't go away. They fade. They leave marks, stories. And they make us stronger.

You are a victor just for staying. You are brave for facing him. You are strong enough to come out on top.

DM me if you want. We can talk more.

Cheers!

 

[cornicecream]

I'm so very sorry you endured this for so long. No one should have to go through this and I commend you for your bravery on telling him to go. He's a twisted man and you deserve better. You deserve to be loved and to have sex or any physical touch only when you are comfortable.

I was raped when I was 12 and it kinda haunts me to this day. Sometimes I get flashbacks and I physically feel things I don't like. But I went through a lot of therapy, talked to my mom (she is my world and the most powerful woman I know), and went on. And sometimes I still see my rapist. We were in similar circles back in school so sometimes we see each other. And today, I hold absolutely no grudges against him. He has a child now. He's working to maintain his new family and overall, he seems good. I'm not saying you should forget or just accept him into your life. You were repeatedly abused. This asshole should be far away from you. My case is my case, and yours is yours.

I'm saying that once I let the anger go, I moved on. Got back on my feet and now live with my gf and our 3 cats. And I love my life now. I still have traumas, I still have sexual problems. But they are much better now.

The anger, resentment and violation are going to sting for a long time. But I promise you. You have to face them. And the beginning is going to hurt. A lot. You'll maybe feel powerless, destroyed, depressed. But as time goes on, you'll start to heal, and become better.

You don't have to feel forced again. Do things at your own pace. Feel what you want to feel. Discover your sexuality and your preferences.

Suicidal thoughts come normally. You are severely hurt. Don't feel weak about it. It's your mind wanting peace. But I promise you. There is peace here. There is someone for you that will treat you good. Or if you don't want it, a pet saves lives.

Not having someone asking how your day was was my routine for about 10 years. Not that my mom didn't cared it's just that we were far away. When my gf started asking me, I just couldn't come up with anything. I gave some simple answers and that was it. I'm sorry you're going through this now.


There is hope, there is space for you, and there is someone who will respect you. You are valued, you are cared. Don't give yourself to men who lie. Find someone with truth.

I'm here for you. We are here for you. And talking about it (mainly with a professional, like a psychologist or psychiatrist) will give you tools to face it.

Scars don't go away. They fade. They leave marks, stories. And they make us stronger.

You are a victor just for staying. You are brave for facing him. You are strong enough to come out on top.

DM me if you want. We can talk more.

Cheers!

I am so sorry you went through that, and at such a young age as well! You are so unbelievably strong for sticking through it despite all that, and I am so happy you have your mom and your gf to support you through it all. On the good days I understand I am going to make it through I just need some time to reclaim my agency or something. Just gets a little tough when my emotions are in a pit but it is what it is.

I also found it funny you mentioned pets, we have infinite!! They truly are the best little guys and (in their own painful playful ways like goddamn are they strong) make me feel as loved as i possibly can when no one's around.

Thank you for your support <3 I hope I can find healing like you have. It makes me so happy that you're in a much better place now!

Love the little status under your username too fellow elder scrolls appreciator lmao

I'm sorry that you suffered like that. No one deserves suffering. You're not a leech to your family we all need people to Lean on And I'm sure they want you to reach your full potential in your school And don't view you in a negative way. Burnout from school is a real thing i'm sorry I don't have any real advice regarding that.

I'm sorry that no one in your life is asking you how your day is going And that you feel neglected by people in your life. All we can really do is listen to your story. I hope tomorrow is a little easier to get through

Tomorrow will be easier! I hope the same rings true for you <3