I just got out of the psych ward yesterday after a failed attempt on December the 28th. My entire time on the ward I was exceptionally depressed and I was forthcoming with the doctors about my state. I wanted deeply to kill myself and there was nothing they could do about it. As time went by I slowly but surely started to realize that I have already made the decision and I won't back out of it. It doesn't matter how much guilt they try to put on my shoulders about my actions towards my family. How many opportunities I have in life or how much of a waste this would be.
I have already made up my mind on this matter and I won't be changing my decision. I can feel it.
So I started to play the game of the patient who kept getting better. I spoke to the shrink and the doctors and told them that I was open to their plans about recovery. I've connected more with my family in recent days because I want them to know that I am leaving happy with my decision. This is no longer an act of desperation or depression. But rather I just want to find peace. The only thing that truly gives my mind peace is the thought of death.
I'm not religious but at the same time I have some worries about what happens after death. If suicide is like hitting the reset button on your computer and you just end up back in this world in a new body in a new country. As if this place is some part of your development as an energy entity or something in this universe. You have to finish this part to reach the next level and that if you commit suicide you're cheating and you'll always end up back here having to go through the entire process again. These are the things that worry me about suicide. But at the same time I feel like I'm trapped here. I've been on and off drugs for quite a while. Been through a few detoxes and rehabs from drug use. Everything I seem to try fails and I'm just so tired of the constant failures. I can't take another one.
The method I'm going with is Carbon Monoxide poisoning in a very small bathroom in my apartment. There is ventilation but I've stuffed it with a bed sheet. I'll be buying 240mg of a strong opiate along side a very strong benzo and some vodka. Just to make the transition easier and me less likely to back out at the last minute. I've also made the warning signs ready in front of the bathroom door so when they open the door to the bathroom they will be warned of the carbon monoxide poisoning inside the room beforehand. I don't want to harm anyone else in this process. I could do it in my car but that doesn't seem cozy enough for me.
I'm also going to cut the internet connection in the apartment and remove my sim card from my phone so I won't make any dramatic phone call at the last minute to traumatize someone I love while I'm in the process.
The hardest thing to process right now is how this will affect my family. But they, seeing how depressed I have been for the past years and after my failed attempt have started to seek help for survivors and victims of suicide. So I feel like they are in a sense prepared for this as well.
I can't really put into words how much of a relief it is to be able to tell someone my plans and have understanding for my decision. I'm 35 years old, I've failed way too often so far and this feels like the right thing to do. I don't know if any of you have ever dealt with some form of an addiction but when you've made the decision to do drugs again after some time of sobriety you can't take it back. It's impossible. You follow through with your task and get fucked up again.
My decision to kill my self feels the same. The decision has been made and I can't back out of it and I don't want to back out of it. I just want peace and I sincerely hope death is what achieves that goal.
I have already made up my mind on this matter and I won't be changing my decision. I can feel it.
So I started to play the game of the patient who kept getting better. I spoke to the shrink and the doctors and told them that I was open to their plans about recovery. I've connected more with my family in recent days because I want them to know that I am leaving happy with my decision. This is no longer an act of desperation or depression. But rather I just want to find peace. The only thing that truly gives my mind peace is the thought of death.
I'm not religious but at the same time I have some worries about what happens after death. If suicide is like hitting the reset button on your computer and you just end up back in this world in a new body in a new country. As if this place is some part of your development as an energy entity or something in this universe. You have to finish this part to reach the next level and that if you commit suicide you're cheating and you'll always end up back here having to go through the entire process again. These are the things that worry me about suicide. But at the same time I feel like I'm trapped here. I've been on and off drugs for quite a while. Been through a few detoxes and rehabs from drug use. Everything I seem to try fails and I'm just so tired of the constant failures. I can't take another one.
The method I'm going with is Carbon Monoxide poisoning in a very small bathroom in my apartment. There is ventilation but I've stuffed it with a bed sheet. I'll be buying 240mg of a strong opiate along side a very strong benzo and some vodka. Just to make the transition easier and me less likely to back out at the last minute. I've also made the warning signs ready in front of the bathroom door so when they open the door to the bathroom they will be warned of the carbon monoxide poisoning inside the room beforehand. I don't want to harm anyone else in this process. I could do it in my car but that doesn't seem cozy enough for me.
I'm also going to cut the internet connection in the apartment and remove my sim card from my phone so I won't make any dramatic phone call at the last minute to traumatize someone I love while I'm in the process.
The hardest thing to process right now is how this will affect my family. But they, seeing how depressed I have been for the past years and after my failed attempt have started to seek help for survivors and victims of suicide. So I feel like they are in a sense prepared for this as well.
I can't really put into words how much of a relief it is to be able to tell someone my plans and have understanding for my decision. I'm 35 years old, I've failed way too often so far and this feels like the right thing to do. I don't know if any of you have ever dealt with some form of an addiction but when you've made the decision to do drugs again after some time of sobriety you can't take it back. It's impossible. You follow through with your task and get fucked up again.
My decision to kill my self feels the same. The decision has been made and I can't back out of it and I don't want to back out of it. I just want peace and I sincerely hope death is what achieves that goal.
