Discussion Probably Going to CTB Next Tuesday or Wednesday

[Lost in a Dream]

I haven't exactly decided on a specific day, but I feel like the soonest I can get this out of the way is Tuesday or Wednesday. It feels a little impulsive to do it so soon, but I've been so afraid of doing this for so long that I can't keep living just because I'm afraid.

My physical health is going to shit now too, but I don't really care enough about it to get an actual diagnosis and find out what the real problem is. All I know is I feel shitty every day and I get tired or out of breath very easily when that never used to happen. So many of my teeth are either rotted away or in the process of rotting away now too, and it just feels too overwhelming to try and get every single one fixed or pulled when I feel so drained every day and keep rescheduling all my appointments anyway.

It also doesn't help that the last couple of hobbies I still had are no longer interesting to me. PC games were one of those things because I used to really like playing them for distraction and entertainment purposes. The other one has been watching weather documentaries and watching professionals analyze the meteorology behind the events being documented. For the last little while, I couldn't really enjoy those things without getting high first, just because it was hard to concentrate on those things without it because of all the fucked up thoughts that are constantly swirling around in my head. Marijuana doesn't help like it used to anymore either, so I'm really running out of distractions to get enjoyment out of.

I don't think this is a goodbye thread yet, since I'm just trying to sort things out and figure out the best way to do this. I haven't worked on my suicide note in a while, so this might be a good time to finish it. I'm also thinking that since I don't have anti-emetics, then I should expect to throw up after my first glass of SN, so I'm gonna have to chug the second glass as fast as possible. I think by then, a third glass should be unnecessary because recovering after drinking 40 grams of SN would be very unlikely for someone twice my size, but I might just mix up a third one anyway. It should still be sitting there next to the two empty glasses by the time I'm dead, but at the very least it would demonstrate how serious I was about getting this shit done.

I just hope I'm ready to do this. I don't really feel ready, even though I want to not exist. I think it's the fear of continuing to exist afterwards that's really holding me back now. Without that, maybe this would be easier. I still have a couple minor things I wish I could do beforehand, but that would require me to stick around for 7-8 more months and I'm not sure I have the patience for it anymore.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't really think that there's much point to fearing death itself as whatever happens we will all have to cease to exist someday, death is inescapable after all. I very strongly believe that there is simply nothing after this with not even the awareness of the fact that we are dead but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I don't really think that there's much point to fearing death itself as whatever happens we will all have to cease to exist someday, death is inescapable after all. I very strongly believe that there is simply nothing after this with not even the awareness of the fact that we are dead but anyway I wish you the best.

You're definitely right that there's no point in fearing something that's going to happen no matter what. Hopefully we're both right about the nonexistence thing though. It would be really cool if that's the case.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Update: I finished my suicide note surprisingly fast. I scrapped everything that was already there and started over, so I think I got the message across as well as I possibly could this time around. It was so hard to write it though, and reading it back to myself just makes me even more afraid to go through with my plan, because all I could think of the entire time was how devastated the handful of people I still care about will be. All I can do now is hope they can find some way to support each other and understand that my suicide isn't their fault. It's mine.

I'm not going to share it here because there's too much personal info in it, not just for me, but for other people, so it's probably best for me to keep it to myself. Hopefully my death doesn't end up on the news, but if it does, I'm hoping it's only local. I don't know if I'll be ready to die in a few days or not, but I can't stay on the fence much longer.

 

[TapeMachine]

I haven't started on any of my letters yet.. I've got my stationary and pen set out on my desk, but I just keep avoiding my desk. Once I do get started, I imagine I'll have to edit+rewrite a few times myself. Ha

I'm sorry that you feel so rushed to end things, but I definitely get it. I hope you can make peace with whatever you decide. ❤

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I haven't started on any of my letters yet.. I've got my stationary and pen set out on my desk, but I just keep avoiding my desk. Once I do get started, I imagine I'll have to edit+rewrite a few times myself. Ha

I'm sorry that you feel so rushed to end things, but I definitely get it. I hope you can make peace with whatever you decide. ❤

I don't know if I'm going to be ready so soon. I still think I want to try waiting until fall, but I'm just afraid that if I don't do it now, I'm either going to have a heart attack or get a life threatening infection only to be "saved" by someone and forced to get treatment. I don't want to go through that when I could avoid all of it by dying now.

If that happens and I survive that shit but end up in worse shape, I'm definitely using the SN if I still can. I think my biggest fear of all is getting sepsis and having both of my arms amputated. How could I ever use the SN then? It's probably rare for infections to lead to that, but I don't want to be trapped permanently just because I can't mix the stuff.

Also I'm thinking Wednesday might be the day. The only reason is probably a stupid one, but it's really just the tip of the iceberg. Really big storm coming that day and there might be a blizzard. I hate driving in that shit, but if I kill myself that day, I won't have to. I wouldn't have to do it ever again.

Also, if anyone tries to stop me, the weather would prevent the ambulance from getting there on time. Maybe I'll be more ready then.

 

[TapeMachine]

I mean, when you're already fed up with life, I don't think ctb-ing to avoid driving in a blizzard is all that stupid. I absolutely cannot drive on snowy/icy roads; I hate that crap. Heh.

My pm is open if you ever need to talk, btw.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I mean, when you're already fed up with life, I don't think ctb-ing to avoid driving in a blizzard is all that stupid. I absolutely cannot drive on snowy/icy roads; I hate that crap. Heh.

My pm is open if you ever need to talk, btw.

I hate it too. I've had a couple close calls where I almost got in accidents with other people driving on snow and ice. It would've been my fault too cuz I was the one sliding and panicking. If something like that happens again and someone else gets hurt or killed, I would be finished for sure. I probably am finished anyway, but I definitely wouldn't be able to live with myself then.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Today ended up being a practice run for me, so I'm not dead yet. I didn't sample the SN or anything, but I did pour some into a measuring cup on the digital scale just to see what 20 grams looked like. I had a second, smaller one for mixing the water because it was just slightly bigger than the 50 ml mentioned in Stan's guide, but I ended up not using it.

I don't know if today was a failure or not, but it kinda feels like a step in the right direction. I don't think I'm ready to do this yet, but at least I have a good idea of what to do when I am ready, so I don't have to keep going back to the guide over and over to make sure I'm doing it right. Maybe it would be a good idea to try getting the antiemetics even though I'm paranoid. Not sure what the doctor will say if I tell him I have migraines, but they're going to want to do tests to find out what's causing them, aren't they? I wish this didn't have to be so difficult.

 

[FireWalkWithMe]

Today ended up being a practice run for me, so I'm not dead yet. I didn't sample the SN or anything, but I did pour some into a measuring cup on the digital scale just to see what 20 grams looked like. I had a second, smaller one for mixing the water because it was just slightly bigger than the 50 ml mentioned in Stan's guide, but I ended up not using it.

I don't know if today was a failure or not, but it kinda feels like a step in the right direction. I don't think I'm ready to do this yet, but at least I have a good idea of what to do when I am ready, so I don't have to keep going back to the guide over and over to make sure I'm doing it right. Maybe it would be a good idea to try getting the antiemetics even though I'm paranoid. Not sure what the doctor will say if I tell him I have migraines, but they're going to want to do tests to find out what's causing them, aren't they? I wish this didn't have to be so difficult.

Anti emetics can be bought online, no need for a doctor. Just takes a few weeks to be delivered, but by the sounds of it you need that time to reflect anyway.

 

[codedarchaeologist]

Whatever happens, I hope you don't have to suffer.

 

[Hendo]

Today ended up being a practice run for me, so I'm not dead yet. I didn't sample the SN or anything, but I did pour some into a measuring cup on the digital scale just to see what 20 grams looked like. I had a second, smaller one for mixing the water because it was just slightly bigger than the 50 ml mentioned in Stan's guide, but I ended up not using it.

I don't know if today was a failure or not, but it kinda feels like a step in the right direction. I don't think I'm ready to do this yet, but at least I have a good idea of what to do when I am ready, so I don't have to keep going back to the guide over and over to make sure I'm doing it right. Maybe it would be a good idea to try getting the antiemetics even though I'm paranoid. Not sure what the doctor will say if I tell him I have migraines, but they're going to want to do tests to find out what's causing them, aren't they? I wish this didn't have to be so difficult.

If you are not ready then wait, death shouldn't be rushed.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Anti emetics can be bought online, no need for a doctor. Just takes a few weeks to be delivered, but by the sounds of it you need that time to reflect anyway.

Maybe a few more weeks is what I need. Hopefully there's an online pharmacy I can order them from without a prescription.

 

[EndlessDream]

Maybe a few more weeks is what I need. Hopefully there's an online pharmacy I can order them from without a prescription.

I found some pharmacies ask for what I need them for, while some don't. Luckily I found one that doesn't and it delivered yesterday.

 

[Source Energy]

I am going soon too. Not ready yet, but next step is the antiemetics which I will order after paying the rent. I'll probably be gone before summer, by the way things are.
still scared not of death itself, but by the moment of transition..hopefully the sn will knock me out first. These things are in my mind every day. I see no reason to go on

 

[cherry7]

I found some pharmacies ask for what I need them for, while some don't. Luckily I found one that doesn't and it delivered yesterday.

Hey would you be open to sending me the name of the pharmacy you used via pm?

 

[Letgo]

would you pm it to me as well? Please?