Prepared everything, but suddenly very nervous

[nyctophilia]

All of my preparations are finally done. I wrote messages, made a document with all of my passwords and a document with all of my subscriptions and instructions on how to cancel them. I cleaned my room and threw out most of my useless stuff, so my parents have less to clean up. My plan is to ctb tonight and I have everything I need, but since a few hours, I'm really really nervous and I don't know why. Is this survival instinct kicking in already, or just fear of what is going to happen? I was so sure I was going to do it, but now I am suddenly not so sure anymore and I don't know what to do

 

[ketopia]

Perhaps it's time to let your parents know what's going on? What's going on that's making you want to ctb? It's important to listen to your body and your subconscious thoughts, maybe you're not done here and there's more to your story yet.

 

[nyctophilia]

Perhaps it's time to let your parents know what's going on? What's going on that's making you want to ctb? It's important to listen to your body and your subconscious thoughts, maybe you're not done here and there's more to your story yet.

I am honestly just done with life, I have thought about it for a long time and life is just suffering to still die in the end, so why go through that if I can also die now. You do have a point about listening to you subconscious thoughts, but I honestly don't know why I should stay here. If I think about it logically, I defenitely want to die

 

[ketopia]

I am honestly just done with life, I have thought about it for a long time and life is just suffering to still die in the end, so why go through that if I can also die now. You do have a point about listening to you subconscious thoughts, but I honestly don't know why I should stay here. If I think about it logically, I defenitely want to die

Nothing about this life is logical. I'm so sorry you've gotten to this point. I believe you have a right to bodily autonomy but I want to leave you with this: CTB is the only possible choice that you could make right now that is 100% guaranteed to not lead to better circumstances. Any other path you decide to take, even if it seems bad now, has the possibility to lead somewhere positive. I know it's hard. Everything is hard. I just want you to think about it, okay?

 

[nyctophilia]

Nothing about this life is logical. I'm so sorry you've gotten to this point. I believe you have a right to bodily autonomy but I want to leave you with this: CTB is the only possible choice that you could make right now that is 100% guaranteed to not lead to better circumstances. Any other path you decide to take, even if it seems bad now, has the possibility to lead somewhere positive. I know it's hard. Everything is hard. I just want you to think about it, okay?

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know you are right, maybe I will think about it a few days longer, but I'm not sure. Thank you so much though, for your kind words

 

[ovaltinee99]

Death isn't really something to treat casually. It makes sense that you're nervous - there's so much unknown. You don't have to leave today. Hugs.

 

[kitkat9234]

I'm really nervous too. The fear of failure and being worse off is one of the only things keeping me here. And what happens after. Big hugs to you.

 

[nyctophilia]

I'm really nervous too. The fear of failure and being worse off is one of the only things keeping me here. And what happens after. Big hugs to you.

Yeah, it sucks but it is nice to know I am not the only one with these kinds of thoughts

 

[NonEssential]

It's pretty natural to feel nervous about it. I'm not ready to leave just yet, but I remember my heart raced like crazy when I bought myself some rope from the local hardware store.

 

[Life'sA6itch]

I believe there would be no hesitation if you knew there was not any chance of things getting better. You may wish to take that as a sign to at least delay for a bit to try and find out. I hope you can find peace no matter what

 

[nyctophilia]

It's pretty natural to feel nervous about it. I'm not ready to leave just yet, but I remember my heart raced like crazy when I bought myself some rope from the local hardware store.

Yeah that is exactly how I feel right now,

I believe there would be no hesitation if you knew there was not any chance of things getting better. You may wish to take that as a sign to at least delay for a bit to try and find out. I hope you can find peace no matter what
I believe there would be no hesitation if you knew there was not any chance of things getting better. You may wish to take that as a sign to at least delay for a bit to try and find out. I hope you can find peace no matter what

Thank you for your advice and kind words, maybe I will delay it for a few days

 

[locked*n*loaded]

If you're nervous like that, like the way you seem, it isn't the time to go, I think. Also, not sure what you have planned, but in the house with parents, or anyone for that matter, might not be the best idea.

 

[spero_meliora]

It's extremely natural to be nervous, SI is difficult to overcome. That being said, I agree with the above -- you might not be ready to go. And that's okay! You can always plan for another day, there's really no rush. Go when ready.

 

[Novaaa]

Hello, my dear fellow and fellows.
I have a question for you: Is this your first time trying CTB?
Later I want to post information about the survival instinct and how it will be abolished or shut down, although I don't think it's up to us completely.

All of my preparations are finally done. I wrote messages, made a document with all of my passwords and a document with all of my subscriptions and instructions on how to cancel them. I cleaned my room and threw out most of my useless stuff, so my parents have less to clean up. My plan is to ctb tonight and I have everything I need, but since a few hours, I'm really really nervous and I don't know why. Is this survival instinct kicking in already, or just fear of what is going to happen? I was so sure I was going to do it, but now I am suddenly not so sure anymore and I don't know what to do

In this case, I recommend that you talk to someone you trust or someone here on the forum. I don't what it's happening to you, but maybe, just maybe... It has a solution, or you can wait more to do it. Feel free to text me if you need it.

I hope you feel a little better today.
Paula.

 

[Kanoh]

You are just not mentally ready for this. Don't force yourself against all circumstance to do it, wait it out, let the decision mature naturally on it's own. That way when the time comes you'll be much more relaxed, however some fear and SI will always linger. For some people it takes even many years before they are finally ready.

 

[darksouls]

however you decide
hope everything goes well for you
wish you the best

 

[nyctophilia]

If you're nervous like that, like the way you seem, it isn't the time to go, I think. Also, not sure what you have planned, but in the house with parents, or anyone for that matter, might not be the best idea.

I decided to delay it for a bit, after reading all of these replies. I have SN and my plan was to do it in my room at night. I live with a few housemates, but our rooms are very well isolated so you can't hear anything. I wanted to lock my door and then send my parents a scheduled email to call the police and instructions where my key is

Hello, my dear fellow and fellows.
I have a question for you: Is this your first time trying CTB?
Later I want to post information about the survival instinct and how it will be abolished or shut down, although I don't think it's up to us completely.

In this case, I recommend that you talk to someone you trust or someone here on the forum. I don't what it's happening to you, but maybe, just maybe... It has a solution, or you can wait more to do it. Feel free to text me if you need it.

I hope you feel a little better today.
Paula.

This was actually my first time coming this close to ctb with such a detailed plan and preparations, but I have tried out some things for partial hanging a few times the past year, until I had SN. I actually emailed my therapist today that I wasn't doing well (didn't tell her about this specifically), she called me and after talking to her, I feel a bit better. Thank you for your advice. I don't think there is any solution as I am just done with life, but I delayed it to think about it more.
I would be very interested in a post about survival instinct!