Prep thread

[Aphid]

Title suggests this is just to document as I prep my CTB.

Today im starting by writing letters, and rewriting my will after work. Even though ive been writing my whole life im not much of a good writer any longer; im unsure what changed. I'll be writing several letters to friends and family. I'll also be writing a separate letter, more a document, to label all the horrible things I've done, so they are all in writing when it is all said and done so I may be judged after my death properly.

Any thoughts or suggestions

 

[Aphid]

Between fsh and psh, I've gone for psh. The last time I attempted it was perfect. Everything went well, I've chosen to write.

I was going to post the writings here but I've decided against it as it would be so much less personal to everyone if I were to.

I'm going on a trip soon. I'll be taking my partner to the aquarium and several places she's always wanted to see. I will spend everything, and then when I am home, I will send my letters and catch the bus. If im correct I'll set the date for all my premade uploads to go live on the hour that I am to hang myself. A few videos and some music projects, works, stories, unreleased work.

My workplace has sat me down and talked to me because they believe im about to do something bad, they aren't wrong, but having to say no feels wrong. I want to mean something I want to be heard I want to get better but I don't. I don't.
ill decide a date after the trip.

 

[Aphid]

Ive Not the energy to write these out. Wanted to make the letters but my mind is all broken feeling. Nothing feels good right now. I may figure out some creative work instead.

 

[isthisthingon]

Between fsh and psh, I've gone for psh. The last time I attempted it was perfect.

What do you have for supplies? How was it perfect?

 

[Aphid]

What do you have for supplies? How was it perfect?

I got a rope from Spencer's from their back of the store section, perfect, I've used to hang before, easy to obtain and not scratchy whatsoever. Wrapped around doorknob and sat on the floor, put myself in a blanket to comfort myself and feel warmer and i just lowered my head onto the noose. The noose was placed just below my Adam's Apple, compressing the artery's needed without causing extreme discomfort, after I went limp I assumed the rest would be done for me, either brain death or suffocation, either or. The only reason I stopped the attempt was because I wanted to get things prepped more as those around me deserve better for sure.

Anyway that was it I just, made myself as comfortable as possible, and it helped to give myself words on encouragement in my head, telling myself I was doing a good job and I just needed a little other before I'd be dead, played some calming music, it was nice actually, sailed off really fast and with no issues

 

[Yuri440]

We haven't talked much as I'm an asocial git who barely joined chat at first, but the last several days we've talked I've really enjoyed it, and the music you shared with me made me happy. I don't know what I can say that would make you at least a little happy before you go through with it, but you made me happy and that's something you should feel good about even if it's just a lil bit <3

I do wanna know tho how tf did your work find out? Mine only found out when I broke down in the middle of the floor crying suddenly because I was overwhelmed and they saw my fresh cuts haha

 

[Aphid]

We haven't talked much as I'm an asocial git who barely joined chat at first, but the last several days we've talked I've really enjoyed it, and the music you shared with me made me happy. I don't know what I can say that would make you at least a little happy before you go through with it, but you made me happy and that's something you should feel good about even if it's just a lil bit <3

I do wanna know tho how tf did your work find out? Mine only found out when I broke down in the middle of the floor crying suddenly because I was overwhelmed and they saw my fresh cuts haha

One too many suicide jokes probably. I appreciate your kindness towards me even though it's, really underserved. We've got time to meet eachother more deeply before I go, so it'll be okay haha. Thank you though, really.
never got to do everything I wanted to, I don't know if that's a bad thing, I think things are going to be okay.

 

[Yuri440]

I ain't saying this to try and convince you not to ctb, of course, but I do want to say you're definitely wrong for thinking it's really undeserved man. Like you took the time to talk to me and help me while I'm at my lowest, which means you absolutely deserve it in return. If you want anything at all even if it's just chatting about random shit I'm more than happy to do it <3 You definitely do deserve it

 

[Aphid]

I remember on vacation I used to try and drown myself in the pool when I was 12. Can't believe I've spent more than 75% of my life suicidal and constantly wanting to die.
In the same vein as Alt.Suicide.Holiday I guess whenever im on vacation I get so depressed. So so depressed. I'll be on vacation soon and the same will happen, scary
I also can't believe im finally going to do it, after wanting to do it my entire life. I'm going to finally die.

 

[Yuri440]

I found when I got comfortable with the idea that I felt a weird sense of just relief? I'm not 100% sure, just like my whole body relaxed and I felt genuinely chill for the first time in years.

My first attempt as a kid was when I was like 11 or 12 I had an old golf club that the head snapped off so it was a sharp metal rod and I wanted to push it through my belly. Never could get myself to do it. I just remember crying for hours all night and just going back to school the next day. Was a strange experience looking back

 

[Aphid]

when you're a kid it's harder. Now that im a n adult i can just, do it and relax and fall right asleep, so easy

 

[Yuri440]

Yeah for sure! I'm struggling a lot because methods don't typically work that well with people super fat like me sadly but for the most part it's a comforting thing to know I'm able to just do it. As a kid I feel like it was a lot of just not feeling any of the emotions till they were at the extremes and then trying to do it which just led to more confusion. I never really understood back then, and hell for a long time from then, why exactly I wanted to die so much. Part of learning about myself over the last year and a half or so really opened that up to me I think

 

[Aphid]

still time to turn around, there always is. you're a wonderful friend and person, you deserve better than that.
I think I'll be catching the bus sometime in October. It'll be fitting, im in love with Halloween, with fall, everything dead, cold, dark. it'll be perfect. I think I'll shoot for around Halloween, or Halloween itself.
maybe I can be an urban legend if I try enough
I want to make her last days with me as good as possible. I'll take her to her favorite restaurant, hold her, make her a gift, I don't know what else I can do :(, I don't know what else I can do for her, last time we had a good day she broke down crying because she knew I was going to try again, she cried into my chest and she just wanted me to be okay, she said she'd die a million times to keep me alive, she'd do anything. Fuck.

still time to turn around, there always is. you're a wonderful friend and person, you deserve better than that.
I think I'll be catching the bus sometime in October. It'll be fitting, im in love with Halloween, with fall, everything dead, cold, dark. it'll be perfect. I think I'll shoot for around Halloween, or Halloween itself.
maybe I can be an urban legend if I try enough
I want to make her last days with me as good as possible. I'll take her to her favorite restaurant, hold her, make her a gift, I don't know what else I can do :(, I don't know what else I can do for her, last time we had a good day she broke down crying because she knew I was going to try again, she cried into my chest and she just wanted me to be okay, she said she'd die a million times to keep me alive, she'd do anything. Fuck.

I wish. I wish I could just say something to make it all okay or to make her understand you know why or, feel it just a smidge so she might feel how I feel, so she could understand

 

[Yuri440]

I wish. I wish I could just say something to make it all okay or to make her understand you know why or, feel it just a smidge so she might feel how I feel, so she could understand

Someone who wants you there with them may never understand, but she may also understand there's no real way to tell without talking through it all with her. My friend I talked about before could understand logically, but she still never wanted to lose me and talked me out of it constantly. She is probably the reason I'm still here to this day honestly. You've got this Aphid, I believe in you <3