Pre-suicide Fear Vent

[je.suis.prêt]

Initially I felt bad about how my suicide would affect those left behind – even though there aren't many (löl). Since this initial period, I have ruminated and read about suicide almost daily, and other things have happened in my life to make me not care about how my suicide will affect those left behind. So I ended up in a state where I felt I had almost accepted the idea of my own suicide.

I have just ordered my SN, and now I feel like the feelings have come back. I still don't really care about the effects on the people, but I keep imagining (fantasising?) about the sensation, the taste of the water and salt in my mouth, going into my stomach, the feeling of finally having consumed it, the (likely anxious) wait to fall unconscious in the bathtub, potentially having to confront my survival instinct, etc…

and I am afraid… of even the thought of all this.

I have a hotel room booked, my SN should be on the way, and drafts of suicide notes are ready. I could potentially end my life within hours of Christmas. "Christmas is about giving!" Do you know what I give?

Up!

I will go and stay in the hotel and take my SN with me, but I know that I am much too afraid – deep down, anyway – to even attempt to end my life. I know I won't do it. When I think about it, I really do not want to be here anymore, but when these thoughts materialise into a real, tangible opportunity to end my life I am back to being terrified.

I was raised in religious contexts – Christian parent, Catholic school – so another fear is of what comes next. What about reincarnation?

"Suicide is an unforgivable sin, once you've done it you cannot ask for forgiveness", but surely God, you can be understanding of my inability to deal with my situation? God if you're reading this, I do appreciate what you've given me thus far, my life has been quite good objectively, but if you really care about me, can I have some money, please? I do not want 9 Ferraris, or a mansion, just the means to have a safe space for myself so I can get myself out of this hole I find myself in.

Why can't life just go the way I want it to? When I was 17, 18, 19, I was full of hope and ambition. At 23, I am fed up. How did I even end up here?

 

[Malcolm Yarfa]

I can relate and I think many here understand what you feel.

For the catholic school I've been there too.

You will know when the time has arrived. Even though you have prepared everything you can still postpone the moment. There is no rush no obligation.

 

[SamTam33]

That's what I'd want from my God as well: some understanding. Tools to help me maneuver the life he's given me.

If I need money, why wouldn't my God help me attain it? You are my father, right? You know everything and you can do anything, right?

So why wouldn't you help your child stand up if they've fallen down?

It's amusing how people have higher expectations for their human father than their all knowing, all seeing, omnipotent one.

I have never understood it: Religion. God. Spirituality.

And I never will.

How can others proclaim that God loves you when you exist in so much pain?

It's like the abusive spouse who beats you senseless then declares his love.

The actions don't match the words.

 

[actual_fox]

Why can't life just go the way I want it to? When I was 17, 18, 19, I was full of hope and ambition. At 23, I am fed up. How did I even end up here?

same

 

[Enemy of Evolution]

How did I even end up here?

This last line moved me.

I remember my golden days when I was the topper of the class. My teachers and professors thought I am going to do big things. My dream was to do big things. Some of my old teacher still believe that I am already a professor. I don't correct them. I don't tell them what I have became.

How did I even end up here ?

 

[FuneralCry]

At least if you have the SN you will have an option of a way to exit if that is what you wish for. But I do understand that it's hard when you have so many fears associated with going through with it. After all suicide is not always straightforward even if one wishes to leave and has a method by their side. But I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward, I get that it's tiring feeling trapped here.

 

[jessisme]

At least if you have the SN you will have an option of a way to exit if that is what you wish for. But I do understand that it's hard when you have so many fears associated with going through with it. After all suicide is not always straightforward even if one wishes to leave and has a method by their side. But I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward, I get that it's tiring feeling trapped here.

SN if opened only has a shelf life of 3 months though. If unopened it has a shelf life of up to three years but at six months it starts clumping. So basically to me that says that I have six months from receiving my SN to having to use it. That scares me as I thought I would have the chance to sit on it longer. As much as I am ready to go ASAP in all reality I don't know if I will actually be able to go through with all that is entailed in protocol within six months. I am afraid of getting caught, of something going wrong and ending up not becoming unconscious and suffering for four to eight hours. I'm afraid the rapid heart beats might end up in cardiac arrest. I'm afraid that I will vomit it all up. I know it will be the right time when the urge/desire/need to do it will overcome my fears but I don't know if that will happen within six months. As much as I want to be gone now I am afraid to die.