Venting Postponing CTB day by day

[AlexKy]

Hey all is anybody in my situation in which you wish so badly to die but you keep postponing it day by day, and you have done so for the last year? Waking up thinking that this is the day, but as the day progresses you just numbly carry on without no goal nor hope, and it all repeats again tomorrow? Is this hell? is it only death that can break the loop?

 

[nopointofliving]

Yes I'm in the same loop. It's better to make a backup plan , and never take death for granted. I do like this, I set goals to achieve (don't think I have motivation or hope, I don't), and at the same time I set my suicidal goal. Once I feel a bit better, I work on my life plan, and when I'm feeling worse, I sit down cursing my life and thinking more of my suicide.

You aren't alone in this, I just want to tell, if you're willing to die, why not try to do all these risky things you dream to do before? You're dead in either of ways. Use ur death as motivation to live the next day perfectly.

 

[AlexKy]

Yes I'm in the same loop. It's better to make a backup plan , and never take death for granted. I do like this, I set goals to achieve (don't think I have motivation or hope, I don't), and at the same time I set my suicidal goal. Once I feel a bit better, I work on my life plan, and when I'm feeling worse, I sit down cursing my life and thinking more of my suicide.

You aren't alone in this, I just want to tell, if you're willing to die, why not try to do all these risky things you dream to do before? You're dead in either of ways. Use ur death as motivation to live the next day perfectly.

I tried but wasn't lucky enough to die. Now in my self destructive pattern I've depleted all my resources(financial, friends), hope this does the trick and gives the right nudge to defeat my fear of death.

 

[Noctis]

It's common for people suffering depression and anxiety. Your depression has you convinced that death is the only way out, but your anxiety keeps you indecisive, so you keep pushing it back without any goal or reason.

I'm going to guess you frequently wish someone else would kill you, that you still die, but the decision is taken out of your hands.

I wish I could say it gets better, but I'm in the same boat.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Hey all is anybody in my situation in which you wish so badly to die but you keep postponing it day by day, and you have done so for the last year? Waking up thinking that this is the day, but as the day progresses you just numbly carry on without no goal nor hope, and it all repeats again tomorrow? Is this hell? is it only death that can break the loop?

Yes. Somewhat.

 

[AlexKy]

It's common for people suffering depression and anxiety. Your depression has you convinced that death is the only way out, but your anxiety keeps you indecisive, so you keep pushing it back without any goal or reason.

I'm going to guess you frequently wish someone else would kill you, that you still die, but the decision is taken out of your hands.

I wish I could say it gets better, but I'm in the same boat.

It would be nice that some random event/person ends my misery. Although my wish would be to go in my sleep, so I don't even notice, I think I suffered enough for two life times.

 

[Noctis]

It would be nice that some random event/person ends my misery. Although my wish would be to go in my sleep, so I don't even notice, I think I suffered enough for two life times.

I'm so sorry life hasn't been kind to you; no one deserves to suffer like that.

If you want to CTB, my suggestion is break the entire thing up into very tiny steps. Like today, research two different methods, and decide which of those methods sounds better to you. Tomorrow, compare the winner to a different method.

Once you've done enough comparisons and you think you've finally settled on your method, make a plan. Like, this day you'll think about the things you want to avoid (I don't want my mom to find my body, I don't want my dog to see my corpse, I don't want to be difficult to clean up), and try to think of a good place (like outside in the woods).

If you break everything up into very small steps, it's easier to make a decision, and each little step gets you closer to your plan. Then, when everything is finalized, this is a plan that took you months to make and your anxiety won't let you deviate from that plan.

 

[little helpers]

yes. me.
just dragging this painful body a lil bit forward through time, each tick of the second, every hour.
I'm stuck here. and I think I just saw a post where they said something like this. it's Kuri's post if I remember correctly.

personally I lose the ability to ctb during flashbacks, even though I really want it. suicide, for me, has to be a decision grounded in the here and now. but I'm too sucked in to the terrors of the past that I can't even formulate a coherent thought on "present" things.

every behavior I have at this moment is within the rules of an innate trauma response. endure. all I can do is endure. cuz I don't know how to do anything else. not right now. it almost feels like I've been blocked from knowing. the human mind plays too many tricks on us.

it sucks.

Edit: and, like, the too-depressed-to-die thing seems very real to me. having no strength to live, but not enough strength to die either.

 

[AlexKy]

yes. me.
just dragging this painful body a lil bit forward through time, each tick of the second, every hour.
I'm stuck here. and I think I just saw a post where they said something like this. it's Kuri's post if I remember correctly.

personally I lose the ability to ctb during flashbacks, even though I really want it. suicide, for me, has to be a decision grounded in the here and now. but I'm too sucked in to the terrors of the past that I can't even formulate a coherent thought on "present" things.

every behavior I have at this moment is within the rules of an innate trauma response. endure. all I can do is endure. cuz I don't know how to do anything else. not right now. it almost feels like I've been blocked from knowing. the human mind plays too many tricks on us.

it sucks.

Edit: and, like, the too-depressed-to-die thing seems very real to me. having no strength to live, but not enough strength to die either.

It's like being a mouse on wheel with never-ending turns.

I'm so sorry life hasn't been kind to you; no one deserves to suffer like that.

If you want to CTB, my suggestion is break the entire thing up into very tiny steps. Like today, research two different methods, and decide which of those methods sounds better to you. Tomorrow, compare the winner to a different method.

Once you've done enough comparisons and you think you've finally settled on your method, make a plan. Like, this day you'll think about the things you want to avoid (I don't want my mom to find my body, I don't want my dog to see my corpse, I don't want to be difficult to clean up), and try to think of a good place (like outside in the woods).

If you break everything up into very small steps, it's easier to make a decision, and each little step gets you closer to your plan. Then, when everything is finalized, this is a plan that took you months to make and your anxiety won't let you deviate from that plan.

Me I can't seem to find the courage necessary in those two, three seconds to push the chair, or to drink my poison. In those final seconds I give into life, out of fear, not hope or anything like that.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I contemplate daily but since nothing changes I end up coming to the same conclusion of waiting every time. Will prob keep this up until something changes for the worse and/or my SN is about to (according to some) potentially start deteriorating.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, I understand. Ctb is difficult as we are programmed to survive after all, I think if it was easier to leave I would already be gone. I have been suicidal for a long time but yet I am still here. I believe at least for me it would take a certain amount of mental pain and desperation to be able to overcome the SI. This life really is a nightmare. I wish you the best.

 

[lastlife_]

Hey all is anybody in my situation in which you wish so badly to die but you keep postponing it day by day, and you have done so for the last year? Waking up thinking that this is the day, but as the day progresses you just numbly carry on without no goal nor hope, and it all repeats again tomorrow? Is this hell? is it only death that can break the loop?

Yup I feel like I'm in purgatory or limbo just repeating the same day and waiting to pluck up enough courage..

 

[AlexKy]

Yup I feel like I'm in purgatory or limbo just repeating the same day and waiting to pluck up enough courage..

One day, one day. All i need is a few seconds of courage.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Yes but this time is different. Lost my job, dwindling savings, health problems getting worse and I managed to source N. If there was ever a time to ctb this is pretty much it. I actually planned on doing it this weekend but realized it was xmas so I might wait a few days after. I want to go before the new year.

 

[ikadasui]

Yes but this time is different. Lost my job, dwindling savings, health problems getting worse and I managed to source N. If there was ever a time to ctb this is pretty much it. I actually planned on doing it this weekend but realized it was xmas so I might wait a few days after. I want to go before the new year.

Same boat. I was thinking tomorrow, but honestly it'd be a bit too fucked up to do that to my family days before xmas.. granted I still want out before new years, but at least uh merry shitmas won't be ruined i guess

 

[Before26]

Yes but this time is different. Lost my job, dwindling savings, health problems getting worse and I managed to source N. If there was ever a time to ctb this is pretty much it. I actually planned on doing it this weekend but realized it was xmas so I might wait a few days after. I want to go before the new year.

Me too, before new year. I keep postponing, I want to go before 2022

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Same boat. I was thinking tomorrow, but honestly it'd be a bit too fucked up to do that to my family days before xmas.. granted I still want out before new years, but at least uh merry shitmas won't be ruined i guess

Me too, before new year. I keep postponing, I want to go before 2022

Yeah for me the timing between xmas and new years is a nice little window. I want to go before the new year but I don't want to do it on xmas. That leaves me a nice chunk of days next week to pick from.

Worst case scenario I push it back again but since I have about a month of living expenses left at the latest I have to go by end of Jan. But I want to go sooner if possible since waiting around for another month is pretty pointless.