InigoDeux40
Under The Killing Moon
- Jun 16, 2024
- 3
Hi, for a long time I been having this message store and I want to just take it out of my chest, this is just a vent, I'm not looking for diagnostics or advice or anything like that, if you want to share your experience/opinion feel free.
For years, I've been experiencing a lot of weird things. The last time I was able to truly focus in a class was back in high school when I was around 14 O 15 years old. Now I'm 22, and this has become one of my biggest challenges. I constantly struggle to concentrate in class and as a result, my grades suffer. I find myself daydreaming a lot, to the point where I can't even remember when these episodes started or how long they've lasted. This leads me to the next major issue - my memory problems. I have difficulty recalling a lot of my school years, from kindergarten to my first attempt at university (now on my second attempt in a different institution, I sabotage myself and now I'm 2 years behind). I often forget things that were told to me in the moment, and I struggle to retain any type of information. It's as if it slips away as soon as I see it. I've even forgotten some people I went to school with, as well as extended family members(we don't see each other a lot actually).
I can't quite find the right words to describe how I feel, but I don't want to simply label it as 'depression'. However, I've been experiencing a constant state of a extreme boredom with a sinking, hollow feeling for years, not ambitions of hope and I actually feel like I couldn't even give a darn about this, like I just don't care what happens. If everything were to fall apart and I were to came all undone an unhinged which might end in suicide, I will probably just accept it. Actually is kind of fantasy sometimes, I been having suicidal thoughts since I was like 12. Additionally, I struggle to maintain relationships. I only have one friend, since high school who doesn't mind when I disappear out of nowhere without explication. Other than him, I've never been able to sustain any long-term relationships, be it romantic, friendships, or even enemies. Strangely, I don't feel particularly bothered by this.
I also want to mention that I've been struggling with self-harm since I was 11 years old. I got some ugly scars that can only be covered with tattoos (I don't mind this either). I know it's messed up, but these days, the most I feel is a bit of anxiety, disgust, and boredom. The other emotions are mild, fleeting, and ultimately unimportant.
By the way, lately I been avoiding classes and I'm cancelling a hang out with the friend because I don't want to interact with no one. I'm truly debating If I should star making a 'ending plan'.
For years, I've been experiencing a lot of weird things. The last time I was able to truly focus in a class was back in high school when I was around 14 O 15 years old. Now I'm 22, and this has become one of my biggest challenges. I constantly struggle to concentrate in class and as a result, my grades suffer. I find myself daydreaming a lot, to the point where I can't even remember when these episodes started or how long they've lasted. This leads me to the next major issue - my memory problems. I have difficulty recalling a lot of my school years, from kindergarten to my first attempt at university (now on my second attempt in a different institution, I sabotage myself and now I'm 2 years behind). I often forget things that were told to me in the moment, and I struggle to retain any type of information. It's as if it slips away as soon as I see it. I've even forgotten some people I went to school with, as well as extended family members(we don't see each other a lot actually).
I can't quite find the right words to describe how I feel, but I don't want to simply label it as 'depression'. However, I've been experiencing a constant state of a extreme boredom with a sinking, hollow feeling for years, not ambitions of hope and I actually feel like I couldn't even give a darn about this, like I just don't care what happens. If everything were to fall apart and I were to came all undone an unhinged which might end in suicide, I will probably just accept it. Actually is kind of fantasy sometimes, I been having suicidal thoughts since I was like 12. Additionally, I struggle to maintain relationships. I only have one friend, since high school who doesn't mind when I disappear out of nowhere without explication. Other than him, I've never been able to sustain any long-term relationships, be it romantic, friendships, or even enemies. Strangely, I don't feel particularly bothered by this.
I also want to mention that I've been struggling with self-harm since I was 11 years old. I got some ugly scars that can only be covered with tattoos (I don't mind this either). I know it's messed up, but these days, the most I feel is a bit of anxiety, disgust, and boredom. The other emotions are mild, fleeting, and ultimately unimportant.
By the way, lately I been avoiding classes and I'm cancelling a hang out with the friend because I don't want to interact with no one. I'm truly debating If I should star making a 'ending plan'.
