WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,407
In case I successfully go through with it tonight, I am writing this good bye thread. There's always a chance I could p*ssy out, or some idiot could intervene, but hopefully that doesn't happen. Well, here it goes....
As many of you may have known, I suffer from dysphoria. I am AMAB and wish they were AFAB (Preferably of the Korean ethnicity because they are so beautiful), but life did not grant me that. My dysphoria started 20something years ago and festered to the point to where it was unbearable. Eventually I stopped caring about my hobbies and quit them cold turkey including a hobby I played competitively (I skipped competing at it's National championship this summer). I am unable to feel any pleasure or excitment. All I feel is anger, depression, emptiness, and jealousy towards the opposite sex. I have no desire in sex or romance anymore so that is even less to live for. What does that leave? Living just to work and die anyways? No thank you.
Despite a sum total of 515 times me being told to attempt HRT/Transition, I have always stayed true to my convictions and that is it simply won't really matter. I needed to be AFAB start to finish so I could be brought up female, I need a female body that is not surgically or chemically altered and has scars all over it, and I need to be seen as a woman, which will not happen if I do not pass (especially since I can't afford every surgery needed). Some may be okay with that GRS does provide, but not me. It's all or nothing for me. Superficial? Maybe, but that's how I feel.
Only one thing has distracted me somewhat from the dysphoria, and that was a relationship back in 2014, but in 2015 I broke it off. She was the only one I dated to treat me like I mattered despite how much I hated myself. However, looking back on it, breaking it off with her was for the best. If the relationship would have survived til now, I would only grow resentful and jealous of her once my dysphoria festered. It was only a matter of time.
I've heard people say that being a female has so many problems, and as valid as their concerns are, that doesn't diminish my dysphoria. I'd rather risk all of that than go through 20+ years of dysphoria. I am very unhappy being a guy, I am very unhappy and grossed out by the male body as a whole, and being a woman just seems to be better because of how beautiful they are and their fashion options. Not to mention there is nothing I want to do as a male that I can't do as a female.
I simply don't want to exist in a world where I cannot be the sex I want to be start to finish. I simply cannot and will not accept this fate. I can't stand seeing women with their body positivity, their sexuality flaunted, their feminie features exposed and their feminity displayed. It simply is not worth coping in this world. I am genuinely unhappy.
Like I said, maybe something will go wrong tonight and I will suffer a while longer just repeating the same monogamous routine. If I fail or I get stopped, then I guess I'll continue being on this site until I find another means to CTB or I die some other way.
As many of you may have known, I suffer from dysphoria. I am AMAB and wish they were AFAB (Preferably of the Korean ethnicity because they are so beautiful), but life did not grant me that. My dysphoria started 20something years ago and festered to the point to where it was unbearable. Eventually I stopped caring about my hobbies and quit them cold turkey including a hobby I played competitively (I skipped competing at it's National championship this summer). I am unable to feel any pleasure or excitment. All I feel is anger, depression, emptiness, and jealousy towards the opposite sex. I have no desire in sex or romance anymore so that is even less to live for. What does that leave? Living just to work and die anyways? No thank you.
Despite a sum total of 515 times me being told to attempt HRT/Transition, I have always stayed true to my convictions and that is it simply won't really matter. I needed to be AFAB start to finish so I could be brought up female, I need a female body that is not surgically or chemically altered and has scars all over it, and I need to be seen as a woman, which will not happen if I do not pass (especially since I can't afford every surgery needed). Some may be okay with that GRS does provide, but not me. It's all or nothing for me. Superficial? Maybe, but that's how I feel.
Only one thing has distracted me somewhat from the dysphoria, and that was a relationship back in 2014, but in 2015 I broke it off. She was the only one I dated to treat me like I mattered despite how much I hated myself. However, looking back on it, breaking it off with her was for the best. If the relationship would have survived til now, I would only grow resentful and jealous of her once my dysphoria festered. It was only a matter of time.
I've heard people say that being a female has so many problems, and as valid as their concerns are, that doesn't diminish my dysphoria. I'd rather risk all of that than go through 20+ years of dysphoria. I am very unhappy being a guy, I am very unhappy and grossed out by the male body as a whole, and being a woman just seems to be better because of how beautiful they are and their fashion options. Not to mention there is nothing I want to do as a male that I can't do as a female.
I simply don't want to exist in a world where I cannot be the sex I want to be start to finish. I simply cannot and will not accept this fate. I can't stand seeing women with their body positivity, their sexuality flaunted, their feminie features exposed and their feminity displayed. It simply is not worth coping in this world. I am genuinely unhappy.
Like I said, maybe something will go wrong tonight and I will suffer a while longer just repeating the same monogamous routine. If I fail or I get stopped, then I guess I'll continue being on this site until I find another means to CTB or I die some other way.
