Stripe19
Forgotten Martyr
- Feb 28, 2023
- 51
It's a long story i realized is probably too much and not really into the actual meat of what i'm talkin about but some time after my birthday, i got showered with appreciation that so heavily contradicts alot of what i see of myself. To myself, im lucky and a big talker but ultimately a coward and liar that never follows up on what i talk and only really gets through life off the back of better people and fortunate luck. I get money, protection, and change of direction by coincidence or other people thinking im better than i am and ultimately that tends to leave me unable to help but feel like a leech because i've not given back much.
That all said, apparently i might just be blind or something because those same people, since my birthday til now, have talked about me and treated me like a war hero or something. Initially i shook it off as just them continuing not to know who i really am, because the people who DID get a peek at my real thoughts bailed on me or used it against me. Then, whadda know one of those people unblocks me and practically begs to come back into my life apologising for all kinds of stuff i hardly cared about. They saw me for what i was, and here they were, joining the people who i marked as just buying my mask. And it made me realize, for a leech, i sure give alot of time and energy don't i? For someone riding off their backs, i can't deny how many events and parties and get togethers i organized to cheer people up or hook up long runnin couples, how many times i've been the morale for baby-gays (not a literal term). What really started to get to me though, is one of them said they saw the scars and they saw my personality and took it as a sign of hope. That means genuinely so much to me i just sorta breezed by it but i mean, holy fuck. It may have been an accident, but isnt alot of what i do? What does it even matter if im clumsy and dumb, what's it matter if i take so much, if i seem to actually be someone's genuine inspiration? It's odd but although i've always stayed around because i had to, this is to a degree im realizing that maybe im not just doing what nobody else wants to, maybe i've turned into something better and been too stuck up to see it.
Hell, even this message is something i'd never dare type in the past but now i'm thinkin if i really mean THAT DAMN MUCH to people as to be their reason too, then fuck it. I can "stroke my ego" by admitting that maybe my mind's all jumbled about myself and that maybe i can figure out who exactly i have been and want to be.
I still am gonna be around this forum but in over a decade of living i've only recently started to actually kinda want to stick around. I should'nt be here and i've taken so much but maybe it's not so impossible to give back as i thought and maybe im not as bad as i thought.
That all said, apparently i might just be blind or something because those same people, since my birthday til now, have talked about me and treated me like a war hero or something. Initially i shook it off as just them continuing not to know who i really am, because the people who DID get a peek at my real thoughts bailed on me or used it against me. Then, whadda know one of those people unblocks me and practically begs to come back into my life apologising for all kinds of stuff i hardly cared about. They saw me for what i was, and here they were, joining the people who i marked as just buying my mask. And it made me realize, for a leech, i sure give alot of time and energy don't i? For someone riding off their backs, i can't deny how many events and parties and get togethers i organized to cheer people up or hook up long runnin couples, how many times i've been the morale for baby-gays (not a literal term). What really started to get to me though, is one of them said they saw the scars and they saw my personality and took it as a sign of hope. That means genuinely so much to me i just sorta breezed by it but i mean, holy fuck. It may have been an accident, but isnt alot of what i do? What does it even matter if im clumsy and dumb, what's it matter if i take so much, if i seem to actually be someone's genuine inspiration? It's odd but although i've always stayed around because i had to, this is to a degree im realizing that maybe im not just doing what nobody else wants to, maybe i've turned into something better and been too stuck up to see it.
Hell, even this message is something i'd never dare type in the past but now i'm thinkin if i really mean THAT DAMN MUCH to people as to be their reason too, then fuck it. I can "stroke my ego" by admitting that maybe my mind's all jumbled about myself and that maybe i can figure out who exactly i have been and want to be.
I still am gonna be around this forum but in over a decade of living i've only recently started to actually kinda want to stick around. I should'nt be here and i've taken so much but maybe it's not so impossible to give back as i thought and maybe im not as bad as i thought.
