[Poll] Yes/No: Are you currently receiving professional mental health support? If not, what's helping you most?

[NZkiwi]

You can choose more than one option in the poll above fyi


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Saw a similar poll on the other side of the forum

I am so fucking lucky
And also quite unwell


I'm curious where everyone else is at

Hope you are all well

 

[dragonofenvy]

Yeah but I'm unsure where it's going if anywhere. It's making the day-to-day more bearable but I'm still not living the life I want to live. They've tried all sorts of meds and most don't work. The only one that does was mirtazapine for sleep and weight gain. A lot of it feels more focused on trying to cope with your circumstances rather than giving you the tools to build a better life.

 

[NZkiwi]

Yeah but I'm unsure where it's going if anywhere

I'm also on that journey

When I was initally re-enaged with the public health systme I felt a brief experience of releif... and then

Fuck it won't happen again
And then continued to plan/procure/intent
Actually ordered some straps for pick up fro the night night method

The reason I've put my plan on pause, is I am a man of my word and I promised to myself (and hence the team)
I will communicate with them if things change
And for now, I won't pick up what i need to kill, myself, or order

I am engaged with recovery side of things, as I like to keep busy, and if I can't keep busy dying, I'm keeping busy living lol

I didn't promise that i woudn't order anything again, I just promised I would communicate with my team if I did

I'm still 50/50 about CTB and recovery.


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A lot of it feels more focused on trying to cope with your circumstances rather than giving you the tools to build a better life.

I'm curious if you could elaborate a little bit about this .....

**

Thanks for engaging, wishign you all the best

 

[dragonofenvy]

I'm curious if you could elaborate a little bit about this .....

I've been partially hospitalized twice and was discharged from the second 2 days ago. It only served to teach coping strategies and symptom stabilization. When I discharged I didn't discharge into a better life. It was the same one. This isn't a bout of depression this is the experience I've had my whole life and it's not something that you can cope with by consciously breathing or drawing. Overall I view it as a nice way to be able to vent some frustrations to someone and feel understood but there isn't much going beyond that. I know, for example, to not be lonely I need to go out and do something to make friends, but what? How?

I have a little twinge of hope that I'm allowing myself to feel. I haven't yet exhausted all of my options. I think though, the biggest reason I continue with it is because I don't have a method to ctb, so what else would I do? Maybe it's not hope that I feel. Maybe I want to feel vindicated.

 

[NZkiwi]

I've been partially hospitalized twice and was discharged from the second 2 days

Sorry my dude to hear that
it's a pretty shitty experiene, I can realte

When I discharged I didn't discharge into a better life. It was the same one

Yeah i understand

during my gap year I was hospitlised a few time
the first time i was discharged after 1 night

the second time (idk what country you are in) i was discharged to a in patient 2 week respite facility and that was actually quite healing
it was for youth
i spent my days painting art

had my meals cooked for me
was allowed to do my own laundry

honestly a really healing experience and I forgot about it

Maybe it's not hope that I feel. Maybe I want to feel vindicated.

I think there is a deep desire within some/all of us that "all this pain" has to be worth it
trying to look for a north star

Question for you:
Are you able to celebrate your small wins?
Are you able to see how far you've come?
Do you feel like there hasn't been much progress?

Feel free to reply little or as much as you want, or not at all lol

 

[dragonofenvy]

Are you able to celebrate your small wins?
Are you able to see how far you've come?
Do you feel like there hasn't been much progress?

Feel free to reply little or as much as you want, or not at all lol

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Self-comparison is a big part of my issue. I was also a gifted kid, one of those assholes who could ace a test without studying. I took some national test when I was in 8th grade and was in the top 1% of the test-takers. Lots of potential there right? Well, potential doesn't get you anywhere. I had confidence in myself that I could build myself a better life, and was actively taking steps towards doing so. I spent years and years working for it to collapse. Now I'm just burnt out.

I have really dug into the identity of being a loser. I had to change it to cope with the circumstances. Resignation is better than despair. In hindsight it's a miracle that I've survived what I went through. It's a miracle I'm where I'm at right now. And yet it's still not enough. The knowledge that things could be much worse doesn't give me much comfort when the present sucks. I feel like I'm trying to climb a rope to the top of the mountain, but everybody else was allowed to start much higher up than I was. I had to put in so much more energy just to get where they started and I'm fucking exhausted. I don't think I can be satisfied. I feel like I'm owed something for what I've gone through but I know it's not how it works. I know I am not owed anything.

And yet I see the State, or society as a whole give stipends to certain people, believing them to be owed something, while I sit here, quietly, not allowed to complain about it. Expected to tolerate it. I'm expected to sit in my hole and dig myself out with my bare hands. And the true horror of it, is that I know that I have to dig with my hands. It's the only option. The only other option is to be buried in it.

In many ways I bear the curse of the gifted kid. When you're not gifted, you learn work ethic and the value hard work gives. It is like the genius who goes to Harvard. At Harvard, they are merely average. It has destroyed many students there. I had many cognitive delays At 5 years old I had an IQ of 78. I was never expected to amount to much. Then I caught up, no, soared beyond my peers. And now I'm right back to rock bottom.

Sorry that this was so long; graphomania has taken hold. To answer your question, objectively I have beaten the odds, subjectively I wish there was more. The small wins feel fleeting in the big picture, especially with how many big losses I've had. I've made a lot of progress in the span of 10 years. And yet, I still hate life. Starting at -100 and going to 0 is a lot of progress, but you're still at 0.

 

[otomedissection]

While things are still very hit or miss for me, I do feel that therapy, medication, and letting people in my life who want to help me help me has done more good than bad. At the very least it's given me insight into what DOESN'T help and kind of makes me keep looking for solutions out of spite. It's always hella discouraging when therapy doesn't work like it should, or you end up with a therapist you don't connect with, or your medication stops working. But I think I've picked up at least some good things under any professional care I've been under even if I end up not sticking with it.

 

[mac_se]

Therapy and medication did more harm than good to me. I've already quit therapy; considering tapering off of my meds.

 

[NZkiwi]

Starting at -100 and going to 0 is a lot of progress, but you're still at 0.

I found this line itneresting
I always thought medicine/healing get's you from -100 --> 0 (and yes you can also heal yourself without doctors/therapists I get it)

And going from 0 ---> +100 is your own doing/agency, not health care
So curious if in your perspective medicine/healthcare is also supposed to get you from 0 ---> +100?

 

[dragonofenvy]

I found this line itneresting
I always thought medicine/healing get's you from -100 --> 0 (and yes you can also heal yourself without doctors/therapists I get it)

And going from 0 ---> +100 is your own doing/agency, not health care
So curious if in your perspective medicine/healthcare is also supposed to get you from 0 ---> +100?

Most of what healthcare is doing is encouraging self-agency. Sure there's coping strategies involved but a lot of it is trying to figure out what to do, what's out there, or even just processing emotions.

In my case, I mostly the progress to get from -100 to 0 on my own. It's just that the memories of being at -100 are so ingrained into me that I feel that I'm owed something to make up for how much of my life I've spent hating it, even though I know it's not how it works. 0 is my baseline, where I can for the most part function albeit reluctantly, but I'll have days or weeks where I'll sink to -70. On rare occasions I'll be at a 15 or 20.

My case is a bit unique in having both autism and trauma history which aren't things you can solve completely on your own. Both are works in progress. I'm hopeful though, at least for now.

Some people just need medication and they're good to go. Some people need lifelong treatment. Some reach an epiphany or the stars align for them. There's a lot more luck and nuance than at first glance.

 

[Eriktf]

Have had therapy, meds, counselling, followed up by doctors and different teams

Have tryed everything the Heathcare can provide here

Wont say it hasn't helped BUT not much
Have a personality disorder that they haven't tryed to treat
Major drug/alcohol problem got treatment for it
Im in NA/AA