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I don't have a date, plan is to hang around for a couple of years enjoying my moms cooking, my method is pentobarbital (used to euthanize animals and live where it is reasonably easy to get it) but I would do the most peaceful methods. I don't want to be found hanging or with blood everywhere or my brains on the floor. I don't want to damage any one with the scene. If I do do it, my plan is to go hiking far away so that no one will find me and do it there, just sit underneath a tree until it kicks in, listening to music. Although I want to CTB, I would also love a meaningful reason to live, just haven't found one.
When living becomes too much or when I'm satisfied with what I've done with my life. Whichever comes first. Can't predict the future but right now I'm expecting within the approximate window of 1-40 years. To make a guess at the most likely specific time, I'd say 15 years which puts me in my late thirties.
A few months probably. Might experience one last Summer. Not sure why as I'm usually super depressed in the Summer months and I'm sure this year will be no different. Even as a teenager I spent most of the Summer holidays in bed and/or crying. I have SN now but still have to perfect the method and get the other stuff for it if I can. I want to do it right and be one attempt and done because I have no history of other attempts or psych stays and my life will blow up even more if I fail and everyone realises I'm suicidal. I vaguely mentioned minor depression to my doctor but that's all. I don't have a date in mind but need a bit of time to get my affairs in order, write a note (that could take me weeks figuring out what to say tbh) that sort of thing. OTOH I feel pretty close to the edge and an impulsive yet planned CTB is perhaps more of a possibility than before.
I want to try to fix some stuff before / i want to see if i can pass more time with the people i care, whether i will succed in doing so or not i will CTB anyway.
I'll overdose with speed or some other party drug (idk what else can i find, but for now i'll stick to this), and mdma, while sitting in a bench in an empy park during a sunny day, while blasting music.
For when, i don't really know, i would say the next time i'll be done with myself, and from knowing me i would say this summer or the next, depends on how long can i sustain myself.
If someone has alternatives to speed that are "available easily" or a "nice combo" with mdma lmk.
I was suppose to cbt march 17th but instead i was hospitalized and went there out my own will cuz im a coward to kill myself or live
But It did me good to go
But It did me good to go
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