The weird part is i keep telling myself people die all the time... in pain all the time... unable to do a damn thing about it. Like bleeding out in a car crash, or getting crushed by heavy machinery, or slipping and falling from a great height, etc. If i slipped and fell on accident vs jumping on purpose, id feel the same pain and experience the same death. So why is it so hard to make myself jump? If i had slipped, like many people before me have done, i would be stuck experiencing all the pains of a falling death without choice anyway. If a 15 year old kid can accidentally fall off a parking structure and die, whos to say that pain and death he experienced isnt good enough for me? I deserve better somehow? A more painless death? He had to experience everything all of a sudden out of nowhere. I get to experience the same sensations after mentally bracing myself. If he can go through the dying process, so should i be able to.
I mean what if thats how im destined to die anyway? Slip and fall from a great height when im in my 40s? And i put off my death of jumping for 20 years only to die that way anyway in the end??