snoot
-
- Dec 1, 2020
- 34
For some context … I went to some cliffs yesterday evening, intended to ctb but I felt awful because I forgot it's a bank holiday and there were people with their kids everywhere. Why tf anyone would take a toddler to a place with 300ft sheer drops is beyond me but anyway …
I'm going through a lot with some recent changes, grieving someone who's still alive, someone I love - but a "friend" gave me a letter stating how he's wondering if he has feelings for me, and I got upset saying something like "I'm going through enough as it is, this isn't what I want to hear right now. You know I already don't want to be here and I don't need more stress."
Well that was entirely a mistake, and made me realise reaching out to people even in an accidental moment of anger is the wrong thing to do.
I got home and not 15 minutes later I had police banging on my door for ages, even banging on windows on the side of the house. I have trauma from police not believing me after I was abused a few years ago, so I just sat in the dark shaking for hours. I can't begin to explain how retraumatised I feel, and it's not even the worst part. My "friend" knows full well about all the trauma I have from the past and still decided to do this to me.
I unblocked my "friend", told him to call the police and admit he's wrong, said that this is stalkerish behaviour when I just want to be left alone. Police left, came back at 10:15 when I was trying to sleep. I was even more angry by this point, I'm a girl in my early 20s, I live alone and I'm scared of people especially men forcing their way into my house because of past experiences.
So you can imagine how I felt when someone was opening my fucking bedroom window right next to me at midnight. I started screaming instinctively, told them to fuck off multiple times (I don't even feel bad because I believe all cops are bastards) and eventually said I'm being harassed by a guy who's obsessed with me and that these calls to "check" on me are stalkerish when I've blocked this guy. They finally left but not after harassing me for ages, I'm glad I stood my ground and didn't go out to speak to them but they made a scene I'm sure the whole street heard.
Now my "friend" is threatening to call an ambulance instead, but I cannot afford the £500 it would cost. Why the hell are people so stupid, so selfish, that they do this type of traumatising shit to us?
I just wanted to go out on my own terms without having my home being broken into.
The last time I went to A&E was a shit show too. I had just been beaten by an abusive ex and I felt like the only way out was to kill myself, unfortunately I mentioned to a friend how I felt and she called an ambulance. I was terrified of the abuse becoming even worse and I even wanted to protect my abuser at that point because I had Stockholm syndrome, I covered all my marks and when the doctor on duty asked me why I was here I was vague, just said I was having problems with my boyfriend. He just sighed, told me that he's sick of girls from our island doing this, and went on a long rant about how weak we all must be if we're just there for "boy troubles". I've never felt so disgusted by a so called "professional". They don't do shit up at A&E, it's a waste of time because the time I did admit I was suicidal they just said oh speak to your gp tomorrow, have a cup of tea and a nice bath. Thanks, because that's really going to fix everything, right?
I've learnt it's a lot easier to just pretend you're absolutely fine so you can leave quicker.
I'm so sick of having nobody sincere around me, all these experiences just make me more determined to ctb.
All of this has made me realise writing notes and sending last messages is a mistake. I want to die but part of me is still holding onto the idea I can be with the person I'm grieving for. I know I'm stupid. The only way I can go is if I totally isolate myself, pick a fight with everyone over stupid things and then that way I can be left alone to ctb.
I'm going through a lot with some recent changes, grieving someone who's still alive, someone I love - but a "friend" gave me a letter stating how he's wondering if he has feelings for me, and I got upset saying something like "I'm going through enough as it is, this isn't what I want to hear right now. You know I already don't want to be here and I don't need more stress."
Well that was entirely a mistake, and made me realise reaching out to people even in an accidental moment of anger is the wrong thing to do.
I got home and not 15 minutes later I had police banging on my door for ages, even banging on windows on the side of the house. I have trauma from police not believing me after I was abused a few years ago, so I just sat in the dark shaking for hours. I can't begin to explain how retraumatised I feel, and it's not even the worst part. My "friend" knows full well about all the trauma I have from the past and still decided to do this to me.
I unblocked my "friend", told him to call the police and admit he's wrong, said that this is stalkerish behaviour when I just want to be left alone. Police left, came back at 10:15 when I was trying to sleep. I was even more angry by this point, I'm a girl in my early 20s, I live alone and I'm scared of people especially men forcing their way into my house because of past experiences.
So you can imagine how I felt when someone was opening my fucking bedroom window right next to me at midnight. I started screaming instinctively, told them to fuck off multiple times (I don't even feel bad because I believe all cops are bastards) and eventually said I'm being harassed by a guy who's obsessed with me and that these calls to "check" on me are stalkerish when I've blocked this guy. They finally left but not after harassing me for ages, I'm glad I stood my ground and didn't go out to speak to them but they made a scene I'm sure the whole street heard.
Now my "friend" is threatening to call an ambulance instead, but I cannot afford the £500 it would cost. Why the hell are people so stupid, so selfish, that they do this type of traumatising shit to us?
I just wanted to go out on my own terms without having my home being broken into.
The last time I went to A&E was a shit show too. I had just been beaten by an abusive ex and I felt like the only way out was to kill myself, unfortunately I mentioned to a friend how I felt and she called an ambulance. I was terrified of the abuse becoming even worse and I even wanted to protect my abuser at that point because I had Stockholm syndrome, I covered all my marks and when the doctor on duty asked me why I was here I was vague, just said I was having problems with my boyfriend. He just sighed, told me that he's sick of girls from our island doing this, and went on a long rant about how weak we all must be if we're just there for "boy troubles". I've never felt so disgusted by a so called "professional". They don't do shit up at A&E, it's a waste of time because the time I did admit I was suicidal they just said oh speak to your gp tomorrow, have a cup of tea and a nice bath. Thanks, because that's really going to fix everything, right?
I've learnt it's a lot easier to just pretend you're absolutely fine so you can leave quicker.
I'm so sick of having nobody sincere around me, all these experiences just make me more determined to ctb.
All of this has made me realise writing notes and sending last messages is a mistake. I want to die but part of me is still holding onto the idea I can be with the person I'm grieving for. I know I'm stupid. The only way I can go is if I totally isolate myself, pick a fight with everyone over stupid things and then that way I can be left alone to ctb.
