NSFW plus vent. lmk if you relate

[terribleguy]

nsfw for mentions of sex

I've spent my whole life feeling as if i'm experiencing half of everything, maybe even less.

Emotions.
People seem to feel so much, sometimes they're so happy they cry, so sad they can't handle themselves- they fall in love, they FEEL love. In my 20 years of life, I've never felt anything worth noting, I was in a relationship for 6 years, but did I even love her? I told myself that I did, then why did I cheat?

I cheated a lot, and i had no emotional connection to anyone involved, but they did to me, its always felt as if everyone I meet obsesses over me, and that makes me finally feel something. And this may sound like I'm just tooting my own horn here, but without fail, all the women who end up drawn to me tell me they've never felt this intensely about someone and they genuinely obsesses over me to an uncomfortable point- but it really fucking boosts my ego so i encourage it until i can't take it anymore.

When I have sex, i have barely any sensation, I don't really get horny, unless I'm on molly, but then I'm focused on the person in front of me, not my own pleasure. I literally cannot feel shit. Yet, I'd still ask girls i'm talking to for photos, even though it gets nothing out of me- apart from a feeling some sort of power?

I like feeling this one feeling i'm addicted to. I like it so much I seem to always end up ruining my life just to feel it again. I have broken so many hearts over and over again. I know I should feel bad, so I feel bad, I regret it, I didn't want to hurt them. But I don't even know if I'm being honest and genuine with myself.

Maybe it stems from insecurity. I am very insecure about my looks, even though I get any girl I could possibly want, I feel extremely fucking ugly all the fucking time. Everyone tells me I'm not, but I feel it. I don't even recognise myself in the mirror. Sometimes though I'll feel full of myself, even though i'm still insecure and I'll flex in the mirror smiling at myself- I don't know what's that about.

I think i'm just broken. Not only do I not feel emotions to a further extent, but I basically get no pleasure out of physical things- well I do get some but its never enough. It feels like my brain is empty most of the time.

Anyway… tell me if you relate. PLEASE, it feels like I am completely fucking alone in this.

 

[LongLimbedWeirdo]

I don't necessarily relate because I have never had intercourse, but you might just be desensitized to it. It could be some underlying problem from trauma and other things man but you should go to a doctor and see if you got any damage on your nerves or smth idk

 

[immolation]

i relate SO deeply to this omg. my emotions feel so muffled unless im on something. i feel very little physical sensation and ive never experienced real arousal even during sex. every time ive experienced attraction to someone it always goes away completely as soon as they reciprocate. i always get with people who have no romantic or sexual experience because they like me more and cant tell that i dont reciprocate. ive been with males and females and just genuinely havent felt anything either way. i get into relationships because i need someone to care about me all the time or else i feel like shit. i have sex because the idea of someone getting off to me makes me hate myself less. i send nudes to random dudes online just so theyll tell me im pretty. I flirt with EVERYONE constantly even when I have no interest or i know I really shouldnt. i wear flashy revealing clothes and do my makeup in a way just to make people look at me. ive just always had this huge gaping need for attention even since childhood. ive always felt DISGUSTING ugly even though ive never been rejected. i have to genuinely avoid mirrors because the dissonance makes me freak out so bad. i dont recognize myself when i feel "ugly" and i dont recognize myself when i feel "pretty".

 

[terribleguy]

i relate SO deeply to this omg. my emotions feel so muffled unless im on something. i feel very little physical sensation and ive never experienced real arousal even during sex. every time ive experienced attraction to someone it always goes away completely as soon as they reciprocate. i always get with people who have no romantic or sexual experience because they like me more and cant tell that i dont reciprocate. ive been with males and females and just genuinely havent felt anything either way. i get into relationships because i need someone to care about me all the time or else i feel like shit. i have sex because the idea of someone getting off to me makes me hate myself less. i send nudes to random dudes online just so theyll tell me im pretty. I flirt with EVERYONE constantly even when I have no interest or i know I really shouldnt. i wear flashy revealing clothes and do my makeup in a way just to make people look at me. ive just always had this huge gaping need for attention even since childhood. ive always felt DISGUSTING ugly even though ive never been rejected. i have to genuinely avoid mirrors because the dissonance makes me freak out so bad. i dont recognize myself when i feel "ugly" and i dont recognize myself when i feel "pretty".

Holy shit man, we r like the same fucking people.

I dont know if you care to hear this, but it might be interesting to you. I've gone to therapy multiple times throughout my life. most recently when I was 19. I had just ruined my life again and needed some way to recover after losing all my friends. The therapist helped me work on my feelings, i cant really explain the therapy in detail cause im a bit slow but it helped. I became more open to actual emotions. but that lowk made me realise how shit emotions are so i shut myself off after a traumatic event that for once in my life wasnt my doing.

i never got an actual diagnosis. but this has got to be some deeper fucking issue or maybe even a whole ass personality disorder.

I also send stuff like nudes to people just to receive some compliments, idk man, im always yearning for approval.

I don't necessarily relate because I have never had intercourse, but you might just be desensitized to it. It could be some underlying problem from trauma and other things man but you should go to a doctor and see if you got any damage on your nerves or smth idk

To be honest, the whole sex thing isnt that frustrating because ive lived with it my whole life- i dont think i care enough to get checked out. i can still like FEEL stuff, but its barely pleasurable and climaxing is

 

[immolation]

yessss dude omg thats so genuinely real. ive been considering histrionic personality disorder or maybe like aspd psychopathy, but i cant rlly get a diagnosis as of rn, if u want one that might be something worth looking into !! the last time I was in therapy was mandated after a suicide attempt so it all just focused on that but im trying to get into therapy again!! we are so deadass the same person omg.

 

[terribleguy]

yessss dude omg thats so genuinely real. ive been considering histrionic personality disorder or maybe like aspd psychopathy, but i cant rlly get a diagnosis as of rn, if u want one that might be something worth looking into !! the last time I was in therapy was mandated after a suicide attempt so it all just focused on that but im trying to get into therapy again!! we are so deadass the same person omg.

I have also looked into HPD and ASPD LMAO. I align with those VERY heavily.

I have never met anyone so similar to me, if you wanna connect in some way, to help eachother or just yap abt this, let me know.

 

[immolation]

I have also looked into HPD and ASPD LMAO. I align with those VERY heavily.

I have never met anyone so similar to me, if you wanna connect in some way, to help eachother or just yap abt this, let me know.

yes yes omg !!! its so interesting how much we relate to eachother !! would u rather talk on here or a different platform?? I have other socials if u would rather talk there

 

[terribleguy]

yes yes omg !!! its so interesting how much we relate to eachother !! would u rather talk on here or a different platform?? I have other socials if u would rather talk there

sorry for the late response, im not on here that often. different platform would be best, i have insta, snap and discord. lmk which