brimstonenfire_rain
Wonder of U
- Jul 13, 2023
- 37
I experience immense happiness in imagining myself being killed in a gruesome way, let me explain.
I take pleasure (non-sexual) in envisioning someone causing me harm, one or more people, for example, I have images in my mind of being beaten to a pulp, shot in the worst ways, stabbed countless times.
There's no masochism, absolutely no sexual pleasure, and I find nothing exciting about someone getting hurt in bed. What I feel when I imagine being killed is a sense of happiness, apparent, that I would never want, but I would like to see myself, as in the third person, being killed in the most painful ways possible, and in thinking that I could see myself, I feel happiness.
For example, these days, since it's cold, I have this vivid image of my body on the cold sidewalk, with a knife in the sternum, and as I die slowly, my body is covered by snow, as well as my blood, as well as my face, until only the left eye is uncovered while everything else is covered by snow, and my eye expresses the loneliness and suffering of someone dying from bleeding out in the freezing cold on the side of a road without being helped by anyone. Thinking about it, it's such a beautiful image that I would make a painting of it because just seeing it imprinted in my mind already excites me.
This is what I feel, this is just one of the many ways in which I see myself dying or being killed, and up to this point, obviously, it's not normal, but as long as I take pleasure in seeing myself massacred and I can't self-inflict anything because it wouldn't be the same, I don't see anything wrong since I'm not harming myself or others.
The problem is when these situations are recreated so tangibly in my dreams, and that hurts. This dream is part of them: [https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-have-been-taken-hostage.143467/] spoiler my arm is cut. Lately, these dreams are recurring, and they all have in common the fact that people in the dream all try to kill me, even unfamiliar faces.
There was this dream a few months ago, where I walked escorted with a black bag over my head, and as we walked along this hall, the crowd of people from both sides spat at me and someone came out of the crowd to come towards me and tried to stab me with anything. In the dream, I perceived this scene both in the first person where I couldn't see anything because of the bag over my head but felt the spits outside and hits of sharp objects on my back, and in the third person where I could even recognize someone in the crowd cursing at me. Even after coming out of this hall, even though I was accompanied and it was calmer, I still had to look around and hide as soon as possible because someone on the street, seeing me, tried to kill me or even someone tried shooting me from a balcony of some house.
But the worst dream was when someone tried to stab me in the chest with a screwdriver, the sensation after waking up was the same as the dream I recount in the link above, namely to stop the pain, I 'stopped' the dream, I don't know how, the screwdriver was about to enter between the right ribs, and before the pain could become too real, I stopped the dream. I still almost remember the exact point because upon waking up, I felt a strange pressure right where the tip of the screwdriver was about to drill, it's too impressive even to explain.
So the situation is, inexplicably, I feel happiness in imagining being hated and killed in the cruelest possible ways by anyone and then dying in pain and loneliness, but it hurts 'physically' when I get killed in dreams.
Does anyone experience the same issue? Can anyone explain why all this?
What is my problem?
I take pleasure (non-sexual) in envisioning someone causing me harm, one or more people, for example, I have images in my mind of being beaten to a pulp, shot in the worst ways, stabbed countless times.
There's no masochism, absolutely no sexual pleasure, and I find nothing exciting about someone getting hurt in bed. What I feel when I imagine being killed is a sense of happiness, apparent, that I would never want, but I would like to see myself, as in the third person, being killed in the most painful ways possible, and in thinking that I could see myself, I feel happiness.
For example, these days, since it's cold, I have this vivid image of my body on the cold sidewalk, with a knife in the sternum, and as I die slowly, my body is covered by snow, as well as my blood, as well as my face, until only the left eye is uncovered while everything else is covered by snow, and my eye expresses the loneliness and suffering of someone dying from bleeding out in the freezing cold on the side of a road without being helped by anyone. Thinking about it, it's such a beautiful image that I would make a painting of it because just seeing it imprinted in my mind already excites me.
This is what I feel, this is just one of the many ways in which I see myself dying or being killed, and up to this point, obviously, it's not normal, but as long as I take pleasure in seeing myself massacred and I can't self-inflict anything because it wouldn't be the same, I don't see anything wrong since I'm not harming myself or others.
The problem is when these situations are recreated so tangibly in my dreams, and that hurts. This dream is part of them: [https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-have-been-taken-hostage.143467/] spoiler my arm is cut. Lately, these dreams are recurring, and they all have in common the fact that people in the dream all try to kill me, even unfamiliar faces.
There was this dream a few months ago, where I walked escorted with a black bag over my head, and as we walked along this hall, the crowd of people from both sides spat at me and someone came out of the crowd to come towards me and tried to stab me with anything. In the dream, I perceived this scene both in the first person where I couldn't see anything because of the bag over my head but felt the spits outside and hits of sharp objects on my back, and in the third person where I could even recognize someone in the crowd cursing at me. Even after coming out of this hall, even though I was accompanied and it was calmer, I still had to look around and hide as soon as possible because someone on the street, seeing me, tried to kill me or even someone tried shooting me from a balcony of some house.
But the worst dream was when someone tried to stab me in the chest with a screwdriver, the sensation after waking up was the same as the dream I recount in the link above, namely to stop the pain, I 'stopped' the dream, I don't know how, the screwdriver was about to enter between the right ribs, and before the pain could become too real, I stopped the dream. I still almost remember the exact point because upon waking up, I felt a strange pressure right where the tip of the screwdriver was about to drill, it's too impressive even to explain.
So the situation is, inexplicably, I feel happiness in imagining being hated and killed in the cruelest possible ways by anyone and then dying in pain and loneliness, but it hurts 'physically' when I get killed in dreams.
Does anyone experience the same issue? Can anyone explain why all this?
What is my problem?
