girlanachronism
New Member
- Oct 6, 2023
- 1
Hello, 22 from usa.
I have had ideation and a sleuth of attempts since 9 years old, I have been suicidal daily since December 2021 and have also had roughly 20 attempts since then. It's like no matter what I try I can't seem to die, which to be fair I don't have many resources and mostly resort to overdoses, starving or bleeding out.
I don't see my life getting better and even if it did I'm honestly so disgusted and alienated by humanity and myself that I would rather just not be a part of it, if that makes sense.
I've had a pretty rough life. My mom had me as a teenager and put me through trafficking among many other very dark things until she drove off without me at 7 and I ended up in foster care. I was adopted by my grandma, who is my mom's mom, so you can imagine how the rest of my growing up went, lol. I finally escaped all of my abuse the week before I turned 22. Also didn't help that my grandma raised me completely away from society, a very rural house where she mainly homeschooled me so my social skills are definitely fried.
I live with my s/o and roommates right now, I'm unable to get an in person job because I have chronic undiagnosed back pain that has been going on since I was a tween that was completely neglected. I've tried to get an inperson job many times within the past few years, the pain is so unbearable and I cant stand for more than 2-3 hours on a good day. My s/o is the only one providing income for both of us as Ive been trying to find something remote for nearly a year now which definitely is contributing to how hopeless and useless I feel.
The last time I saw a nonprofit therapist I was sexually abused by him, which is the main reason why I have been so extremely suicidal since the end of 2021. I reported him about a year ago and nothing has happened, in fact he's still in practice. I am utterly terrified of ever reaching out for mental help again, and since it happened I genuinely feel like I can not connect with anyone on any level.
I do not trust myself to break the cycle, I dont trust myself at all, my thoughts have been increasingly scary for months now. My routine is to rot in bed for months bottling all my ideation until I finally either have a huge panic attack or attempt. Im so terrified of other people let alone others that say they want to help me, and I dont even want it. I do not deserve it. I think I just need to die.
If anyone could give me resources or responses that would be so appreciated, thank you.
I have had ideation and a sleuth of attempts since 9 years old, I have been suicidal daily since December 2021 and have also had roughly 20 attempts since then. It's like no matter what I try I can't seem to die, which to be fair I don't have many resources and mostly resort to overdoses, starving or bleeding out.
I don't see my life getting better and even if it did I'm honestly so disgusted and alienated by humanity and myself that I would rather just not be a part of it, if that makes sense.
I've had a pretty rough life. My mom had me as a teenager and put me through trafficking among many other very dark things until she drove off without me at 7 and I ended up in foster care. I was adopted by my grandma, who is my mom's mom, so you can imagine how the rest of my growing up went, lol. I finally escaped all of my abuse the week before I turned 22. Also didn't help that my grandma raised me completely away from society, a very rural house where she mainly homeschooled me so my social skills are definitely fried.
I live with my s/o and roommates right now, I'm unable to get an in person job because I have chronic undiagnosed back pain that has been going on since I was a tween that was completely neglected. I've tried to get an inperson job many times within the past few years, the pain is so unbearable and I cant stand for more than 2-3 hours on a good day. My s/o is the only one providing income for both of us as Ive been trying to find something remote for nearly a year now which definitely is contributing to how hopeless and useless I feel.
The last time I saw a nonprofit therapist I was sexually abused by him, which is the main reason why I have been so extremely suicidal since the end of 2021. I reported him about a year ago and nothing has happened, in fact he's still in practice. I am utterly terrified of ever reaching out for mental help again, and since it happened I genuinely feel like I can not connect with anyone on any level.
I do not trust myself to break the cycle, I dont trust myself at all, my thoughts have been increasingly scary for months now. My routine is to rot in bed for months bottling all my ideation until I finally either have a huge panic attack or attempt. Im so terrified of other people let alone others that say they want to help me, and I dont even want it. I do not deserve it. I think I just need to die.
If anyone could give me resources or responses that would be so appreciated, thank you.
