Discussion Please read and comment it’s good to talk

[lost1]

I hope who ever reads this is ok and know your not alone


I'm a 43 year old disabled guy in a wheelchair paralysed from my waist from a motorcycle crash in 2001, I've come so far but I'm really not happy with my life.
Lately had problems with things/people in my past coming back to haunt me leaving me very depressed and not knowing what to do , which has lead me to research ways to end things and brought me here to this forum

The thing is now I've actually found a site to get what I want and a way to leave this place the thought of leaving people behind is very hard to think of.
My mum dad and my young brother to deal with things and try pick the pieces up after I'm gone, They have their own life which I don't really feel part of but still
I feel so selfish what can I do though
I know what the future holds much the same as what it's been but older and more lonely losing things piece by piece till it's just me left

I wanted a pain free death and after much research and sleepless nights this past week I've found it but now I'm torn apart

Do I commit or do I suffer………

 

[theresonlyonewayout]

Hey, sorry to hear that you're here and in this situation. I don't think anyone can answer that last question for you. I personally believe that it's worth exploring every avenue before committing to any one path. But others would say the exact opposite and I can totally understand the arguments for both. I think the only answer I could give would be this… Have you sort any help or is there someone who you can talk to in person about how you're feeling?Or have you done all that and now you've run outta options?

That for me was the deciding factor.

 

[emgrl]

I'm so sorry you're going through everything that you are. That's a very long time to be surviving post accident, you're a strong man. It's only natural to think about our loved ones when contemplating CTB, and it's only natural that they will be saddened. The only thing that is true for both, those feelings dissipate, with time, for all involved. Of course, there will be moments for them that they will think about us in the future… I'm just hoping it's with a huge smile on their face. If you ever need to talk, I'm around. You're not alone

 

[Road_To_Nowhere]

Hi.
I am very sorry for your condition. I can only imagine the kind of pain you are experiencing, and so I can only try to give you some advice.
I am no one, nor will I ever feel that I am, to wish you dead. Not because life has any intrinsic value, but because it can still hold joys, however sporadic, and transitory.
The advice I feel like giving you is to try to reconnect with your family, and share more moments with them.
Try to build something, to maintain a loving relationship if it is already there or to rebuild it if it has failed. Above all, to make the best of this relationship. I understand that you love your family. On the practical level, even having a few extra lunches or dinners, spending an afternoon together, reading, discussing, chatting are things that perhaps can give you a sense of life.

I don't think there are any magic recipes for depression, unfortunately. There are small steps you can take, however, to alleviate it, to restore your taste for things. In any case, you should not think of yourself as selfish. Your doubt that you express on this forum is evidence to the contrary. I guess you have already talked to your family members about your discomfort over the years. Do you by any chance go to therapy? That can help too (and you don't have to take medications)

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Do I commit or do I suffer………

First, welcome to Sasu.

Yeah, that's the question, isn't it? No one here is going to tell you whether to CTB (Catch The Bus). You're going to have to do some deep, intense introspection and reflection and figure out what's right for you. You do have a hard way to go. You need to do what's right for you and no one else. I'm sure you'll hurt others you care about if you go, but ctb isn't about others, it's about you and you alone. It's a selfish act and needs to be. To get out of your own pain has to be more important than any pain you might cause others. I don't know what method of ctb you are considering, but you seem to have settled on something, since you said that you have done much research and sleepless nights on the subject. Yeah, I'm all for a pain-free exit, also. I don't suffer from physical injuries as you do, but have other types of pain. It's all relative to the bearer, isn't it? I hope you find the answers you seek and can make the best decision for yourself and your circumstances that your can. There's a wealth of information on SaSu. You'll need to post many more times to get some features of the website open to you, like the search function. The people here are fantastic and very supportive and understanding, as they can very much relate to how you are feeling and understand in a way that others can't. Take advantage of that to work out what's best for you. Good luck.

 

[waitingforrest]

Welcome! Even though we are in different situations, I relate to you in some sense.

And for that last question, I hope you find your answer. I want it to be your answer, not someone else's.

And thank you for the kind words, I hope the same for you as well.

 

[lost1]

Hey Thanks for taking time to read and to reply to me. Why are you here if you don't mind me asking same thing as I am

The thing is I don't want to burden no one with my problems it will be hard for people to understand and kinda embarrassing for me, bad enough I have to deal with what I have to do day by day I hate my life as it is.
the thing is something happened in primary school to me in 1985 and lately this person has re surfaced, It's left me very angry depressed embarrassed and not knowing what to do, had thoughts of hurting this person but there's only so much I can do being in a wheelchair and it all will end in prison for me which I could not do. Rather than face it and deal with it with the chance people will find out ( my mum would be distraught) I guess what I'm looking for a way out

Can't believe I'm actually talking about it but I needed to get it off my chest I guess. Spoke to nhs mental health which left me feeling more down as there's only so much they can do or say. " oh speak to your doctor " " maybe speak to the police" prescription tablets won't help nor the police as no proof word against word more people knowing judging.
As if my life ain't hard as it is. I don't know what to do tbh my head feels like it's going to explode can't sleep been thinking of what I'd do what I'd say over and over in mind past week or so only thing that eased my thoughts was researching a way out

 

[Conker]

r. https://gematriaeffect.news/beirut-...s-after-arturo-sosas-birthday-jesuits-did-it/

 

[lost1]

Thankyou all for your words

 

[emgrl]

Hey Thanks for taking time to read and to reply to me. Why are you here if you don't mind me asking same thing as I am

The thing is I don't want to burden no one with my problems it will be hard for people to understand and kinda embarrassing for me, bad enough I have to deal with what I have to do day by day I hate my life as it is.
the thing is something happened in primary school to me in 1985 and lately this person has re surfaced, It's left me very angry depressed embarrassed and not knowing what to do, had thoughts of hurting this person but there's only so much I can do being in a wheelchair and it all will end in prison for me which I could not do. Rather than face it and deal with it with the chance people will find out ( my mum would be distraught) I guess what I'm looking for a way out

Can't believe I'm actually talking about it but I needed to get it off my chest I guess. Spoke to nhs mental health which left me feeling more down as there's only so much they can do or say. " oh speak to your doctor " " maybe speak to the police" prescription tablets won't help nor the police as no proof word against word more people knowing judging.
As if my life ain't hard as it is. I don't know what to do tbh my head feels like it's going to explode can't sleep been thinking of what I'd do what I'd say over and over in mind past week or so only thing that eased my thoughts was researching a way out

You're definitely not a burden, whatever happened to you reads as though it was extremely traumatizing.
When you say your Mum would be distraught, would that be towards you, or the person that has just returned to your life?
Either way, I know it's hard to open up about things, but if she wouldn't be distraught by anything you've done, I suggest opening up to her… or possibly someone else you feel close to, and ease your way up to telling her.
Feel free to vent/talk/ask questions… we're all here for you.

 

[lost1]

My heads pounding Going to get some shut eye it's 5am here , Thankyou again all of you for taking time to read my post and replying really wasn't expecting it I'll read properly tomorrow and reply

 

[Smart No More]

So, in answer to your ultimate question (commit or suffer?) I think, if you have your peaceful method in hand it provides some wiggle room. Having that eject button means you can use it as and when the emergency point is reached. Of course only you can decide when that is and we all find we can deal with so much more than we ever expected as, when faced with it we generally have no choice so we do what we have to. I guess for you, assuming you do have your peaceful method in had, it's a casenof deciding when that point will be. What factors will make that certain for you and in the meantime doing damage limitation and getting your ducks in a row and making the most of the remaining time you have.

I say this with the assumption that your reason to ctb is a logical one. You certainly present it that way so I can take it on good faith that's the case.

It's a lot to process I know. I had the same concerns and am still here now as a result of them. I pretty much know that when I die it will be by my own hand and it will be as peaceful an end as I can find. In the meantime I'm free floating in still waters.

I'm interested to know what your peaceful method of choice it. One thing I discovered the hard way is that survival instinct is a real thing. Not surprising in itself I know but even having been in situations where I used survival instinct to do just that and would be dead without it I still managed to underestimate it. It can be like another person taking control of you and puppeteering you out of your attempt to leave.

 

[Hollowillow]

I hope who ever reads this is ok and know your not alone


I'm a 43 year old disabled guy in a wheelchair paralysed from my waist from a motorcycle crash in 2001, I've come so far but I'm really not happy with my life.
Lately had problems with things/people in my past coming back to haunt me leaving me very depressed and not knowing what to do , which has lead me to research ways to end things and brought me here to this forum

The thing is now I've actually found a site to get what I want and a way to leave this place the thought of leaving people behind is very hard to think of.
My mum dad and my young brother to deal with things and try pick the pieces up after I'm gone, They have their own life which I don't really feel part of but still
I feel so selfish what can I do though
I know what the future holds much the same as what it's been but older and more lonely losing things piece by piece till it's just me left

I wanted a pain free death and after much research and sleepless nights this past week I've found it but now I'm torn apart

Do I commit or do I suffer………

I'm sorry that you're in a wheelchair... I hope you don't have chronic pain.

Suffer some more while prearing an exit plan for when you're sure?

I wonder if vitamin c for ligaments & b for nerves could help heal... It used to help my pain

Hey Thanks for taking time to read and to reply to me. Why are you here if you don't mind me asking same thing as I am

The thing is I don't want to burden no one with my problems it will be hard for people to understand and kinda embarrassing for me, bad enough I have to deal with what I have to do day by day I hate my life as it is.
the thing is something happened in primary school to me in 1985 and lately this person has re surfaced, It's left me very angry depressed embarrassed and not knowing what to do, had thoughts of hurting this person but there's only so much I can do being in a wheelchair and it all will end in prison for me which I could not do. Rather than face it and deal with it with the chance people will find out ( my mum would be distraught) I guess what I'm looking for a way out

Can't believe I'm actually talking about it but I needed to get it off my chest I guess. Spoke to nhs mental health which left me feeling more down as there's only so much they can do or say. " oh speak to your doctor " " maybe speak to the police" prescription tablets won't help nor the police as no proof word against word more people knowing judging.
As if my life ain't hard as it is. I don't know what to do tbh my head feels like it's going to explode can't sleep been thinking of what I'd do what I'd say over and over in mind past week or so only thing that eased my thoughts was researching a way out

Avoid the person? Words can destroy more than basebal bats. Tell them.

 

[Smart No More]

I missed the post about the school acquaintance that wronged you. Obviously we don't know what they did but if it could involve criminal charges (based on your account of suggestions offered by the mental health team) then I guess it was pretty bad. It's not necessarily important that you divulge the details of that if it makes you uncomfortable or embarrassed but it is hard to offer advice as far as the context in which they're back around. I mean are they also a family friend? Can you avoid them?

If they really deserve comeuppance for their transgressions against you there's more than one way to play it. You don't need to physically hurt them. You might need to get a bit creative but there's a lot of ways you can impact a persons life if you really want to but I don't know that it would do you any good. Hurting them physically neither. It might feel good in the moment and be a kind of release of some long built tension but after that, then what, right? You're still dealing with all the shit you currently have to live with. If this person is in your life in a way in which you can't avoid them then for sure do what you need to in order to get them out of it. Even if it's just confronting them and bringing up their transgressions to their face and making it clear you haven't put it in the past and now you have nothing to lose so they either make up for it get the fuck out of your world. I mean if it's easy enough to avoid them like they don't exist, save yourself some trouble but if that's not an option take some time to really think about it before confronting them and making them know where they stand. If you were to record that conversation you might well have a confession on record. You can threaten to use it to get what you need out of the situation and then delete it if you want. Or send it to their family members lol. It depends what they did but some sins don't deserve forgiveness so take what I'm suggesting with pinch of salt if relevant. It sounds like what they did was probably pretty terrible though if you're saying you considered hurting them so bad it would end in prison. If so then yeah, fucking ruin them by showing their world who they are whilst keeping it out of your world/family environment but first really think it through and decide whether it's what you need. Also make sure not to leave yourself open to further transgressions from this person. If they are likely to be violent in retaliation maybe it's not a good idea.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful what you have been through. I'm sorry that life has brought you to this point. After all only you can decide what is the right thing for yourself as it's your life after all. I wish you the best.

 

[lost1]

Hi hope everyone is doing ok considering
And I say again your not alone

First off I want to thank each and everyone of you for putting your problems aside to reply to me I was not prepared for the response I have got it was a bit overwhelming tbh I'm going to try to reply to each of you thank you again

I feel suicide is 4 stages

The thought

The research

The acquiring

The act….

I'm quite good with the internet and After countless nights researching what to do/use I stumbled on a forum with a website link to aquire things that uses bitcoin to protect us and guarantees if you don't receive what you ordered they will send again. Very good reviews and recent reviews from people in my country

So now I'm on stage 3……

The thing that troubles me now is the secrecy and the thought of leaving loved ones but what can I do if I'm suffering hurting not happy with my life and my situation. One hand I really want out on the other life is precious, really am torn .

What's next is it heaven reincarnation or energy back into what or who ever created us
Or nothing that's it….. I don't think this though I believe this is not the end but the beginning life is the start but who knows. We created the word life same as we created the word death

Hi.
I am very sorry for your condition. I can only imagine the kind of pain you are experiencing, and so I can only try to give you some advice.
I am no one, nor will I ever feel that I am, to wish you dead. Not because life has any intrinsic value, but because it can still hold joys, however sporadic, and transitory.
The advice I feel like giving you is to try to reconnect with your family, and share more moments with them.
Try to build something, to maintain a loving relationship if it is already there or to rebuild it if it has failed. Above all, to make the best of this relationship. I understand that you love your family. On the practical level, even having a few extra lunches or dinners, spending an afternoon together, reading, discussing, chatting are things that perhaps can give you a sense of life.

I don't think there are any magic recipes for depression, unfortunately. There are small steps you can take, however, to alleviate it, to restore your taste for things. In any case, you should not think of yourself as selfish. Your doubt that you express on this forum is evidence to the contrary. I guess you have already talked to your family members about your discomfort over the years. Do you by any chance go to therapy? That can help too (and you don't have to take medications)

Hey
Thankyou for your words ,

in response to your question I've never had therapy don't think it would help me because it's me that has to deal with after therapy ends.
I've mostly always bottled my feelings up or blocked them totally became very good at hiding behind a mask

Posting here has helped I think I kinda feel a little weight lifted but still much considering a way out, the thing is once I commit to stage 3 there won't be no going back it will only take a bad day or days to make me feel that's it I'm done with this

I think I need to keep posting and replying here it's good to talk though not in therapy much easier to type anonymously

Hey, sorry to hear that you're here and in this situation. I don't think anyone can answer that last question for you. I personally believe that it's worth exploring every avenue before committing to any one path. But others would say the exact opposite and I can totally understand the arguments for both. I think the only answer I could give would be this… Have you sort any help or is there someone who you can talk to in person about how you're feeling?Or have you done all that and now you've run outta options?

That for me was the deciding factor.

Thankyou for your reply and your words
I think my path has brought me to this forum for a reason, I feel it's helping easing my thoughts in my head though they are still there

It's hard to talk to people in the real world face to face about my situation because they can't really comprehend how I feel what I've lost and where I am at now

Sometimes feel I'm just an observer

 

[lost1]

I'm so sorry you're going through everything that you are. That's a very long time to be surviving post accident, you're a strong man. It's only natural to think about our loved ones when contemplating CTB, and it's only natural that they will be saddened. The only thing that is true for both, those feelings dissipate, with time, for all involved. Of course, there will be moments for them that they will think about us in the future… I'm just hoping it's with a huge smile on their face. If you ever need to talk, I'm around. You're not alone

Hi Thankyou so much for these kind words

It's been a long tough road I know that sometimes I just feel I'm existing not living I'm observing not taking part if that makes sense

I'm going to continue on here with you amazing people for a bit before committing see if it helps I feel a little weight is lifted if you need to talk I'm here too

I'm not on social media no face book insta or snap no hobbies though talented no work feel I get forgotten about my friends who I thought was close but they have their own life's as I said I don't want to burden. I drive which is a blessing as sometimes drive coast first thing in the morning when everyone's sleeping to clear my mind

Lately though I feel as if everything has been getting on top and it's easier just to stay in bed

That sounds really awful what you have been through. I'm sorry that life has brought you to this point. After all only you can decide what is the right thing for yourself as it's your life after all. I wish you the best.

Everyone's been though tough times some more than others, im at a crossroads now not giving up on going to the next place im going to stay on here with you amazing people for a bit .
I'm just great full I've found a pain free way in my sleep to go it's such a hard decision to make and takes a lot of courage for that final stage . Thankyou for reading and replying
I wish you all the best too

 

[Jimblue]

I am very sorry that you have to go through all these. And I understand it's really hard to live with physical pain.

Unfortunately we can not make a decision for you. But sounds like you have a really lovely family and you truly care about them.

I feel CTB is not what you truly want if you don't mind me saying that.

I feel you probably have PTSD and the talking groups probably not for everyone. I guess you are UK based so did you ever try to find different place like welling bean cafe or HiVE etc, there are people who have been professional trained, doing activities with you. You don't need to talk about your feeling if you feel uncomfortable and you may able to get a private support worker yourself that probably will help too.

And you can always post here and if you need talk, I am always here willing to listen, no matter which direction that you are going.

 

[a3q]

Hi hope everyone is doing ok considering
And I say again your not alone

First off I want to thank each and everyone of you for putting your problems aside to reply to me I was not prepared for the response I have got it was a bit overwhelming tbh I'm going to try to reply to each of you thank you again

I feel suicide is 4 stages

The thought

The research

The acquiring

The act….

I'm quite good with the internet and After countless nights researching what to do/use I stumbled on a forum with a website link to aquire things that uses bitcoin to protect us and guarantees if you don't receive what you ordered they will send again. Very good reviews and recent reviews from people in my country

So now I'm on stage 3……

I feel you, I'm on stage 3 atm but I received everything so it's more of a stage 4 beginning.I just booked a flight to see my mother one last time. It is hard saying goodbye even though non-directly.
I mostly feel worried about my pets, I don't really have anyone to look after them. I will inform people via automated messaging when CBT happens but I have no clue as of what will become of them. I hope they get care and love as they did up till now.

 

[lost1]

I am very sorry that you have to go through all these. And I understand it's really hard to live with physical pain.

Unfortunately we can not make a decision for you. But sounds like you have a really lovely family and you truly care about them.

I feel CTB is not what you truly want if you don't mind me saying that.

I feel you probably have PTSD and the talking groups probably not for everyone. I guess you are UK based so did you ever try to find different place like welling bean cafe or HiVE etc, there are people who have been professional trained, doing activities with you. You don't need to talk about your feeling if you feel uncomfortable and you may able to get a private support worker yourself that probably will help too.

And you can always post here and if you need talk, I am always here willing to listen, no matter which direction that you are going.

Thankyou jimblu

In response to what you said your right ctb isn't what I want but being in a wheelchair for the rest of my life isn't what I want either….

I have and am suffering with ptsd that's never been addressed I go very In myself when it spikes

I'll see I've heard of them support groups tbh but don't know if they are for me

I feel you, I'm on stage 3 atm but I received everything so it's more of a stage 4 beginning.I just booked a flight to see my mother one last time. It is hard saying goodbye even though non-directly.
I mostly feel worried about my pets, I don't really have anyone to look after them. I will inform people via automated messaging when CBT happens but I have no clue as of what will become of them. I hope they get care and love as they did up till now.

Your amazing it takes a lot of courage to go to stage 4 you got me tearful. Sometimes it's easier to commit than go on no ? Your pets will be cared for and loved I'm sure off
If you want to talk I'm here I wish you all the best

 

[Jimblue]

Thankyou jimblu

In response to what you said your right ctb isn't what I want but being in a wheelchair for the rest of my life isn't what I want either….

I have and am suffering with ptsd that's never been addressed I go very In myself when it spikes

I'll see I've heard of them support groups tbh but don't know if they are for me

Your amazing it takes a lot of courage to go to stage 4 you got me tearful. Sometimes it's easier to commit than go on no ? Your pets will be cared for and loved I'm sure off
If you don't mind me asking does your mother know your plans

It's actually relative rare that people just want to CTB without any pain, illness and being so happy. I am not saying that people need to provide the reason to CTB.

Me same here, I don't want to live with PTSD and depression for my rest of live. Mental illness pain is enough for me and physical pain plus mental illness pain must be harder.

PTSD can get better through talking, but am not sure it works for everyone.

Groups usually are idea for the people like attention, not necessary to be active, the support worker will look after everyone. And there are hobby groups etc, some place provide people to learn new skills if you fancy to have something to do. Also volunteering work could be a good option, helping other people in difficult situations can take thought away from you for the moment and make you feel others need you.

If you describe you physical pain to your GP, nurse, support workers, they may give you more medication to help your pain and advice what you can do to help your physical condition. Some people can feel better once their body feel better. Just my thought.

 

[lost1]

Think ive made my mind up to commit, still on stage 3 but acquired half of what i need. Felt sick with anxiety last night as the time gets closer, i am maybe going to use sn method after the method I was going to use ( high dose of seconal 50×300mg capsules) to ctb seemed suspicious and fraudulent from a company India. Luckily I had help and was clued up on this method or I'd still be stuck in limbo...
Thing is I was going over and over this method and it scares the sh1t out of me really does, I guess our brains are hardwired to resist which is why it causes fear and anxiety plus I'm thinking of people finding me. Had a thought of picking a Saturday night preparing before committing emailing my doctors that I've left my side gate and back door un locked and what I've done that way Monday morning 8am they see it and can send someone..... also going to leave a note for the ambulance guys too as My last wish that under no circumstance none of my family are to see My body, just hope this can be done or if someone has to identify the body. Is not hard no one else lives where I live in a wheelchair. thanks again for all the feedback and support

 

[makethepainstop]

No soul can or should interfere in such decisions. Only the soul who is suffering can make the decision that will work for that soul. Others might have something to say about it, but are they right for you?

 

[lost1]

No soul can or should interfere in such decisions. Only the soul who is suffering can make the decision that will work for that soul. Others might have something to say about it, but are they right for you?

It's not up to no one but me no one has interfered thanks they just simply showed me a thread I would of found sooner or later that sent me on another search, I still dont know if that methods for me but it reassuring that I have that option and not be trapped or in pain when trying to ctb.

 

[freedompass]

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I agree that SN is scary but the best most of us can do. I feel so much sadness from your posts. We are all so damn fragile. It's nice you are able to drive to the coast when you feel better. I love the ocean too. I grew up in a seaside town and spent most of this summer there. It was wonderful hearing and seeing the sea from my window. I'm a UK person too if you hadn't guessed. Anyway thank you for sharing and chatting with everyone, I can tell you are a good person and that you love your family. Whatever you decide there is a 'home' here at SaSu as long as you need it.