Greetings. If you are reading this note, it is because I have decided to hang myself by my throat and pre-maturely end my own life. I don't want to drone on in an emotional rant, but rather I just want to briefly explain why I made the decision that I did, to provide a bit of clarity to those who will be wondering"why". Why did I make this decision to end my life so prematurely at the young age of twenty-one years old. One of those reasons is because twenty-one is not that young, and I've appeared to have missed out on the "four best years of my life", more on that later as the letter progresses.
The first reason, and quite possibly the biggest one, is my grades and poor academic standing. It all began when I was in high school. In short, I could never pass exams. The first red lights appeared when I got my first bad score on my SAT, which was a 940 to be exact. I did not sleep the night before and was rather hungry when I took the exam. I also had a problem with compulsive maladaptive-daydreaming, which bothered me throughout the exam, thus I did not answer half of the questions. When I retook the exam, I scored a 960.
For the longest time, chronic procrastination was a big issue of mine. I must have re-registered for the SAT about a dozen times, only to never show up. The reason why I never showed up was because I never studied, despite being given ample time to do so. I would begin studying, but simply never continue. Almost always because I was distracted, usually by my Computer, doing unproductive time-wasting activities, binging YouTube and playing computer games. No amount of trying to correct my chronic procrastination would work. I would cease with the bad habits for a few days with systems I would put in place, only to go back to my bad habits within a few days, ruining my progress.
I gaslighted myself to believe that these poor results would not completely ruin my academic output, as if I retained a decent High School GPA, that could counter my poor SAT and I could still have something to show for it. But COVID-19 struck, ruining my grades. During High School, I had a clever system to prevent procrastination and do my homework on time. I would simply do my homework in school, and not go home until I had completed everything. But COVID struck and destroyed my system, the result was that I received for the first time an F on my report card.
I attended a Community College to get better grades, this didn't work. I was completely ignorant of the fact that students transferring from a Community College did not require the SAT, so I tried to prepare for the test while taking the courses. This, combined with my perpetual procrastination and laziness, due to the assignments being online and from home, I left the Community College with a 2.6 GPA. I will not be gaslighted into believing that the SAT is anything other than an IQ test, that is precisely what it is, and I will not be tricked into believing otherwise. The fact that I did so poorly twice proves I have a poor intellect.
I tried my hardest in some of these classes, but for some reason I cannot pass exams. My inability to pass exams has been a nagging issue which has bothered me since High School. For some reason, I was cursed with an extremely poor memory, making recalling information for exams nearly impossible for me. I vividly recall taking a Physics course in High School, I didn't pass a single exam the entire semester. There was a student next to me, who was able to pass each exam, and when I asked him if he studied, he said no. Meanwhile, I studied for each exam, and even hired a Physics tutor, only to not pass every single exam. During the Community College, no matter how simple the subject was, I could simply not remember the material and recall it during exams. The councilors tried to understand what was wrong with me, asking me if I had even studied the material, for which I replied, 'I study, but I CAN'T REMEMBER THE MATERIAL. ' It's not uncommon for me to go through a whole semester without passing a single examination.
I remember there was one time in Community College that I took a Human Biology course, where I finished with a D grade. The reason for this was because there was an online and paper portion to the course, but I was completely ignorant of the online portion, so I didn't do any of my online assignments, because I didn't know they existed. By the time I figured out I was supposed to turn in so-called "smart book" (online) assignments, it was too late. I am so sick of the perpetual frustration, I try so hard but then careless mistakes out of ignorance like this keep setting me back.
This impacts my self esteem greatly, as now instead of going to the Universities I wanted to go to, I'm now attending UMBC (University of Maryland Baltimore County). I attend this school with full knowledge that practically all of my friends from childhood are attending better Universities, that are more difficult to get accepted into, that have better social cultures, and will propel them farther ahead in life than me.
This brings me to the second reason as to why I decided to end my life prematurely, I am now acutely aware that I am missing out on the supposed "best four years of my life".
All I see on social media is people who are much happier than I. People who go to colleges far away from their families, out of state. Here, from what I can understand, is that they go wild. I had a childhood friend, we called her [named redacted for privacy concerns]. [name redacted] is currently a student at the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor. Despite the two of us growing up in similar environments and cultures, she goes to a University which contains all of the amenities and prestiges that I want, and I go to UMBC. I remember looking at her Instagram, back when I had an account. I saw her at what appeared to be a house party, and this is where my obsession of having the perfect "college experience" began.
I am well aware that everyone else in other colleges are having the time of their lives, partying, halloween parties, living in a college town, frats, sororities, football games, and more. And I have not done any of this.
Missing out on the "college experience" is the second major reason in my decision to carry out my own hanging.
One thing which truly bothers me about UMBC is not just the poor academic standing, but it totally lacks the college experience. I'm currently 21 years old as of writing this and I have never gone to a party, never gotten drunk with friends, etc… Meanwhile [name redacted] is posting on Instagram holding a bottle of vodka in her hand. It bothers me so much that the other people in other colleges are able to enjoy all the amenities of being in a college town, meanwhile I'm older than most of these people and have never done any of these things. I can't believe that these other people are able to have all of this fun, and I can't, all because I can't remember enough mathematical equations to fill in on a bubble sheet for their college entrance exam.
The third major reason I've decided to end my own life is my lack of experience with women, and the immense frustration.
I'm not going to ramble too long on this section, but the gist of this is that I'm rather old to not have ever once had a girlfriend, and I'm sick of being "ghosted" (when a woman refuses to send a reply text message as a form of rejection), or ignored by woman. I am perpetually baffled at how the other men are able to get girlfriends, and I am well aware that this is another aspect of the fabled college experience that I am missing out on. I am well aware that Universities are where young people go to engage in hookup culture, and all of this stuff. All which of course I am not experiencing.
Out of all the three reasons why I am prematurely taking my own life, the academic reason is the greatest. I think it is fine time for me to admit that I am not a "bad test taker", but rather I have a low IQ due to bad genetics and years wasted staring at a screen.
I do not write this letter to gain sympathy, to make people sorry for me. The purpose of this letter is just to provide a brief explanation as to why I chose to do what I did, just in case anyone asks "why".
