PLEASE HELP! My only reliable method was discovered and I need advice! PLEASE HELP!

[JudasIscariot]

Hello, I am relatively new to this forum. I have not posted in a bit, I hope this will not discourage replies. Now to the point. I have a very, very reliable method that is close to getting banned in many areas (like a gun or SN) that I do not want to disclose. I hid this method due to not wanting to be stopped. I am not in imminent harm and do not plan to suicide soon. My method is merely a comfort and being held until I plan to use it. A cousin of mine who is aware of my issues had contacted my Mom who I live with and stated that I may be in danger, not true at all. The reason my cousin had this belief is because I was having some emotional issues, but did NOT indicate I was suicide or unsafe. My cousin was probably paranoid and likely worried that, if I was in danger, blame would be cast. I was able to tear apart my room and convince my Mom I do not have any method (it is well hid). My cousin who initially contacted my Mom is unaware that my Mom did not discover my method. I worry they will follow up and my method will be discovered by my Mom. I would like to move it for the time being but the only option is my car, which is where my previous methods have been discovered too. I can only feel normal and functional when I have the CHOICE to live or die. I am so UPSET and I wish I never told anyone about my problems and just died instead. I may have to resort to this despite not being ready, just so I can be at peace now. PLEASE someone help and suggest what I should do. I am NOT willing to make it out alive if my method will be stolen. PLEASE someone help me. For right now I want to live but only because I have the choice. When the choice is taken away I feel utterly trapped and impulsively try to kill myself. With an actual RELIABLE method I feel less suicidal because I can go at any time. PLEASE someone help, I don't know what to fucking do, my cousin is MIA after betraying me.
ETA: My Mom wants to kick me out because I am "too much" yet no one fucking cares and makes excuses for her. I have never gotten proper treatment for my issues and I am blamed by those supposed to support me

 

[dreamscape1111]

Everything happens for a reason, I guess?
Why not make a commitment right now that ctb is no longer an option for you?
Why not commit to lifelong looking for a solution to whatever distresses you?

Try simply sitting with the disturbing feelings with no attempt to dismiss them.
Try paying attention in a cradling way to the dismal spaces in yourself.
Try visiting these dim and uninviting deserts with curiosity and compassion.
Let yourself feel as bad as you feel and stay with yourself in a nonabandoning way.
You will notice that something shifts, after a while, all by itself.
Your lively creative energy will appear in an effortless way,
guiding you towards your true potential, you got this. <3

 

[dimstar]

I know that feeling of comfort even when not actively seeking to ctb. People close actually said I had seemed to be doing much better for a few weeks after I had everything I needed to have a back pocket out. I can't imagine that being taken away from me especially if I wasnt close to using it. I'm so sorry you feel betrayed and that happened to you. I would recommend how ever you can stay calm, being rash isn't going to help anything. Just breath. They havent found it yet, you can always say it was just talk and venting with your cousin. From what you said I'm guessing it's nothing to big. Is it something you could hide outside? Maybe seal it up good and bury it for the time being. Or places like an attic or crawl space. If it's real small could try sewing it in something or ripping up a corner of carpet. I would not move it to your car since they already searched your room maybe it's fine where it is. I hope you can relax and find comfort. Dont do anything in haste. Even if things go wrong you have options in the future just try and stay calm. Again I'm sorry this happened. I'm always open to dm if you need to vent.

 

[JudasIscariot]

Everything happens for a reason, I guess?
Why not make a commitment right now that ctb is no longer an option for you?
Why not commit to lifelong looking for a solution to whatever distresses you?

Try simply sitting with the disturbing feelings with no attempt to dismiss them.
Try paying attention in a cradling way to the dismal spaces in yourself.
Try visiting these dim and uninviting deserts with curiosity and compassion.
Let yourself feel as bad as you feel and stay with yourself in a nonabandoning way.
You will notice that something shifts, after a while, all by itself.
Your lively creative energy will appear in an effortless way,
guiding you towards your true potential, you got this. <3

Good ideas. I wish I could viably consider them, but I am trapped in a place of self-torment where the only option is to suicide eventually. I personally don't believe everything happens for a reason, maybe the reason for this was to realize the mistake of telling people about my problems. Now that I think about it, it has rarely ended good. Usually I am blamed or fought with about it, or had my freedom restricted. I will definitely consider your suggestions though, wish I could see them more clearly. Thanks for the reply, it's appreciated.

I know that feeling of comfort even when not actively seeking to ctb. People close actually said I had seemed to be doing much better for a few weeks after I had everything I needed to have a back pocket out. I can't imagine that being taken away from me especially if I wasnt close to using it. I'm so sorry you feel betrayed and that happened to you. I would recommend how ever you can stay calm, being rash isn't going to help anything. Just breath. They havent found it yet, you can always say it was just talk and venting with your cousin. From what you said I'm guessing it's nothing to big. Is it something you could hide outside? Maybe seal it up good and bury it for the time being. Or places like an attic or crawl space. If it's real small could try sewing it in something or ripping up a corner of carpet. I would not move it to your car since they already searched your room maybe it's fine where it is. I hope you can relax and find comfort. Dont do anything in haste. Even if things go wrong you have options in the future just try and stay calm. Again I'm sorry this happened. I'm always open to dm if you need to vent.

Thanks for your very kind reply, it's appreciated. Mental health professionals are so fucking ignorant. People think that just because suicidal people have a method means that they will kill themselves immediately. No one except us understand that a method is great comfort and usually discourages people from suicide, as they now have the option and are less impulsive. I'm so sick of this cruel world. I'm feeling a little better now, the access to my method is physically restricted from my Mom and she would not think to look in its hiding place. I just worry she will tear apart my room when I am away from the house. I would like to barricade my room but this only raises suspicion. I think I managed to convince her. She's just an unempathetic, unreliable mother. She really said she wanted to kick me out because I'm "too much" lol. Maybe you shouldn't have had kids then? "I'm not happy but my kid will be." The fuck? Goddamnit. Thanks so much for your reply once again, it definitely helped. I'm not one to DM much but I'll consider it for sure. Everything seems fine now, but it was a rough ass day. The worst I've had in such a long time. Only goes to show that I'm more unsafe when others know about my method, as I'm more likely to use it when it will be taken away from me. Stupid prolifers and suicide prevention organizations will never understand. Thanks so much again.

 

[Unending]

I'm really sorry, that sounds absurdly stressful.

 

[JudasIscariot]

I'm really sorry, that sounds absurdly stressful.

Thanks for your reply, yeah it really is. Things will probably be fine but if my method is discovered in my presence I will lock my door and kill myself. I will not allow my method to be stolen from me forever. I have undergone immense peace since obtaining and nothing can compare.

 

[Escapee]

Can you share what this method is? I can pm you if you want

 

[LittleJem]

OP I totally understand that it is a comfort to have a suicide method handy and it is also preventative to have one. I have had my suicide method in a cupboard for five years now. Not yet used but so glad I have got it. I hope yours does not get found.

Now for a little rant. Please excuse me for posting it on your thread:

Everything happens for a reason, I guess?
Why not make a commitment right now that ctb is no longer an option for you?
Why not commit to lifelong looking for a solution to whatever distresses you?

Try simply sitting with the disturbing feelings with no attempt to dismiss them.
Try paying attention in a cradling way to the dismal spaces in yourself.
Try visiting these dim and uninviting deserts with curiosity and compassion.
Let yourself feel as bad as you feel and stay with yourself in a nonabandoning way.
You will notice that something shifts, after a while, all by itself.
Your lively creative energy will appear in an effortless way,
guiding you towards your true potential, you got this. <3

Please would you outline what your mental illness is (do you have one?).
How many days out of 365 are you suffering?
How many hours in the day are you suffering?
Are you often bed bound with your mental illness?
Do you think that PTSD and mental illness ever passes?
Do you think that it is possible to heal your life after mental illness and trauma? (I mean what does the research say??? what is the reality of this? What is the reality of the suffering you see on this forum?)

panic and suicidal thoughts all day long
when I go out I walk down the street and have constant fantasies about being strangled
can't stop crying
Sit with feeling suicidal all day every day and panicking morning to evening
sit with being alone
sit with absolultely hating my life.
And I want to ask WHY would you do that?
What is the virtue in this suffering
and do you think mental illness really passes with mindfulness??

 

[dreamscape1111]

WHY would you do that?

"The tendency to avoid emotional suffering is the cause of all mental illness, to lead a healthy spiritual life we must face problems directly and experience the pain involved." -Scott Peck

Solution: allow yourself to fully feel the emotion, it's counterintuitive.

Do you think that it is possible to heal your life after mental illness and trauma?

Yes! Don't give away your control so easily. Take responsibility (not blame) for finding solutions and you'll most certainly find them.
Without action, there's no overcoming any obstacles.

I used to think that the external world is a much bigger obstacle than I am to myself too.
But after learning about self-deception, I realized that my mind is the only problem.
The problem was, that I used to play the victim, and didn't take any of those possibilities seriously.
Instead of this, I worried about the external world.

Truth is, your internal world shapes your external world.
Problems are not things that exist in the external world.
They are projections of our minds.
And until we become aware enough of this fact for ourselves, we won't be able to let our "problems" go.
Until then, the world will appear hostile, unfair, and cruel.

Things we should worry about instead:

• The internal world
• Our mental filters
• Attitude
• Limiting beliefs
• Judgments
• Unquestioned assumptions about reality
• Lack of introspection
• Visualizations
• Mind chatter
• Model of reality
• Emotional reactions
• What you view as right and wrong and good and evil
• The habits that you cultivate
• Your self-talk
• The words you use, the tonality, etc.
• Raising awareness/consciousness ( awareness alone is curative )
• Ego and its relationships to other people

what does the research say??? what is the reality of this?

Again, the bottom line for most of us is that our psychology sucks.
There's clinical depression and legitimate physiological conditions, but those are actually the minority.
For the majority of us, it's simply a bad psychological state resulting from not taking responsibility for our personal development.
It's said that our happiness is about 50% genetics, so that tells us that we should stop being victims and take ownership of our own psychologies.
The software is more important than the hardware.

We're also too identified with our"selves", we get too self-absorbed, and egotistical.
On a deep level, your depression is contributing to that false sense of who you are.

We often also have a negative self-image, like that something is inherently wrong with us.
They mostly operate subconsciously, writing them out might help.
All that burdening past history baggage can definitely be released, it's not who you really are, it just helped you to survive back then.

Meditation will also help. It'll get you in touch with genuine happiness. The natural state of a human being is bliss and happiness. Without external stimulation!
This will effectively prove to you that your depression is self-created.

Other things that might be feeding into your depression:
Not living in integrity with your values.
Being inauthentic and fake with other people, and with yourself, and not honoring what you're actually feeling.

Solutions:

• Introspection. Developing an understanding of how you're creating your depression.
• Meditation. Try making a daily habit, and slowly work up to at least 20 mins.
• Exercise. Studies show that it is equally effective as anti-depressants.
• Doing the little things you know you need to be doing.
  
  • Eat healthily, wake up on time, get to work on time, etc.
• Life purpose. We all need a strong sense of purpose. To know what you're committed to creating in your life.
  Then your life is also about serving others and not just about you.
• Serious meditation and contemplation work. Research the ideas of ego, subconscious mind, and enlightenment.

In is the only way out, good luck.

 

[JudasIscariot]

Can you share what this method is? I can pm you if you want

I'd rather not, but it's nothing that isn't extensively discussed here already.

OP I totally understand that it is a comfort to have a suicide method handy and it is also preventative to have one. I have had my suicide method in a cupboard for five years now. Not yet used but so glad I have got it. I hope yours does not get found.

Now for a little rant. Please excuse me for posting it on your thread:



Please would you outline what your mental illness is (do you have one?).
How many days out of 365 are you suffering?
How many hours in the day are you suffering?
Are you often bed bound with your mental illness?
Do you think that PTSD and mental illness ever passes?
Do you think that it is possible to heal your life after mental illness and trauma? (I mean what does the research say??? what is the reality of this? What is the reality of the suffering you see on this forum?)

panic and suicidal thoughts all day long
when I go out I walk down the street and have constant fantasies about being strangled
can't stop crying
Sit with feeling suicidal all day every day and panicking morning to evening
sit with being alone
sit with absolultely hating my life.
And I want to ask WHY would you do that?
What is the virtue in this suffering
and do you think mental illness really passes with mindfulness??

Thanks so much for your reply. Having a reliable suicide method is absolutely a comfort. I've never felt calmer and ready to face difficulties knowing that I have one and can go at any time. Mental health professionals do not seem to understand this. The only people who understand this are suicidal people. I hope mine doesn't get found either, and likewise for you too. I don't mind you ranting on my thread. I'm sorry for all of your suffering.

 

[Shadowlord900]

If you can only feel comfortable living life knowing that you always have an option to exit available to you, but that option is about to be taken away from you, now might be your best chance of getting out of there. I won't say it'll be your only chance, it'll still be possible to re-obtain another option no matter how difficult (unless if you get watched almost 24/7, then that's a completely different issue), just depends if you'd be willing to go through that struggle again if you ever do change your mind at a later date.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like such a horrible situation to be trapped in, I hate how we exist in this anti suicide society where selfish and insensitive people want to force other people to suffer. As humans we deserve options of ways to finally exit otherwise existence becomes so incredibly prison like, we shouldn't feel like we have to endure this punishment just because some people decided to selfishly procreate. But anyway I hope that your method isn't so cruelly taken away from you, I understand why you would be comforted by having the method option by your side.

 

[TheSadStranger]

Hello, I am relatively new to this forum. I have not posted in a bit, I hope this will not discourage replies. Now to the point. I have a very, very reliable method that is close to getting banned in many areas (like a gun or SN) that I do not want to disclose. I hid this method due to not wanting to be stopped. I am not in imminent harm and do not plan to suicide soon. My method is merely a comfort and being held until I plan to use it. A cousin of mine who is aware of my issues had contacted my Mom who I live with and stated that I may be in danger, not true at all. The reason my cousin had this belief is because I was having some emotional issues, but did NOT indicate I was suicide or unsafe. My cousin was probably paranoid and likely worried that, if I was in danger, blame would be cast. I was able to tear apart my room and convince my Mom I do not have any method (it is well hid). My cousin who initially contacted my Mom is unaware that my Mom did not discover my method. I worry they will follow up and my method will be discovered by my Mom. I would like to move it for the time being but the only option is my car, which is where my previous methods have been discovered too. I can only feel normal and functional when I have the CHOICE to live or die. I am so UPSET and I wish I never told anyone about my problems and just died instead. I may have to resort to this despite not being ready, just so I can be at peace now. PLEASE someone help and suggest what I should do. I am NOT willing to make it out alive if my method will be stolen. PLEASE someone help me. For right now I want to live but only because I have the choice. When the choice is taken away I feel utterly trapped and impulsively try to kill myself. With an actual RELIABLE method I feel less suicidal because I can go at any time. PLEASE someone help, I don't know what to fucking do, my cousin is MIA after betraying me.
ETA: My Mom wants to kick me out because I am "too much" yet no one fucking cares and makes excuses for her. I have never gotten proper treatment for my issues and I am blamed by those supposed to support me

Think of ctb as a last resort. I don't know about your situation or the context of your life, so maybe take this with a grain of salt. I think that life is a gift and some are more blessed than others but to squander this gift when you have the choice not to is a waste. If you have problems you should seek help. I know it maybe be comforting to always have an "escape plan", but in most cases you shouldn't need one because life moves on. You'll never get out of a dark spot in your life if you quit early. Therapy might not be for everyone but if you know a trusted individual that you can talk to it might be beneficial to have a second opinion.

Again take it with a grain of salt.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

That fear of a discovery and the possibility of hospitalization is a horrible, horrible thing to experience. I was afraid that someone would figure out I was suicidal and have someone search my room for methods, so it caused me to panic and try to rush my plans to CTB. Now that I know I haven't been discovered yet, I'm a little more calm about it and can still put it off a couple more weeks like I planned originally.

The lengths people will go to just to prevent us from having the option to leave when we want is disgusting honestly. Every time my separation anxiety hit from being separated from the SN, it also made me extremely angry too. Is there another location outside of your house where you can store it? I know you don't want to put it in your car, but if there's a place you can take it to for safekeeping, then maybe it's an option.

 

[JudasIscariot]

Think of ctb as a last resort. I don't know about your situation or the context of your life, so maybe take this with a grain of salt. I think that life is a gift and some are more blessed than others but to squander this gift when you have the choice not to is a waste. If you have problems you should seek help. I know it maybe be comforting to always have an "escape plan", but in most cases you shouldn't need one because life moves on. You'll never get out of a dark spot in your life if you quit early. Therapy might not be for everyone but if you know a trusted individual that you can talk to it might be beneficial to have a second opinion.

Again take it with a grain of salt.

Thank you. Suicide is absolutely a last resort which is why I feel comforted having a readily accessible method, because I feel no need to impulsively attempt. I agree with most of what you are saying and I appreciate your helpful comment. I don't necessarily believe life is a gift, but the ability to have free will (rarely) is very important.

That fear of a discovery and the possibility of hospitalization is a horrible, horrible thing to experience. I was afraid that someone would figure out I was suicidal and have someone search my room for methods, so it caused me to panic and try to rush my plans to CTB. Now that I know I haven't been discovered yet, I'm a little more calm about it and can still put it off a couple more weeks like I planned originally.

The lengths people will go to just to prevent us from having the option to leave when we want is disgusting honestly. Every time my separation anxiety hit from being separated from the SN, it also made me extremely angry too. Is there another location outside of your house where you can store it? I know you don't want to put it in your car, but if there's a place you can take it to for safekeeping, then maybe it's an option.

I very much agree. I have experienced almost exactly what you are talking about, feeling rushed when I am not ready. I'm really calm too. It helps to know that I'm not alone with this experience. I don't understand why we are brought into this world and forced to live in horrific conditions. Yeah, I think I'm in the clear for now but I need to think about a better place to store if such a situation happens again. But my method is stored in a very safe place that most would not consider to look, nor is it easy for me or anyone to access. Thanks for your reply, it's sad to know you've gone through something similar, I'm glad things are better for you now.

If you can only feel comfortable living life knowing that you always have an option to exit available to you, but that option is about to be taken away from you, now might be your best chance of getting out of there. I won't say it'll be your only chance, it'll still be possible to re-obtain another option no matter how difficult (unless if you get watched almost 24/7, then that's a completely different issue), just depends if you'd be willing to go through that struggle again if you ever do change your mind at a later date.

I agree. I once heard "you will not be glad neither regretful when you complete suicide." This was a very interesting perspective that interested me a lot. I struggle to resolve this and it leaves me to question acting on suicide immediately. I greatly would not consider myself to make it out alive if I was put into this situation again. Thank you for your reply.

 

[TheSadStranger]

Thank you. Suicide is absolutely a last resort which is why I feel comforted having a readily accessible method, because I feel no need to impulsively attempt. I agree with most of what you are saying and I appreciate your helpful comment. I don't necessarily believe life is a gift, but the ability to have free will (rarely) is very important.

Life is what you make it. I don't mean to get religious, but my belief is life is God's gift to us. Life is literally what you make it. Everyone is allotted an amount of time. Some shorter than others, but it's up to you how you spend it. Just because life is a gift doesn't mean your life couldn't be constant suffering (trust me) it just means you get to exist for some time on this world and then be judged in the next. What you do between now and then is up to you. That's the gift of life.

(I'm not trying to be preachy I'm just trying to ease my own physical and emotional pain by trying to help others before I leave)

 

[JudasIscariot]

That sounds like such a horrible situation to be trapped in, I hate how we exist in this anti suicide society where selfish and insensitive people want to force other people to suffer. As humans we deserve options of ways to finally exit otherwise existence becomes so incredibly prison like, we shouldn't feel like we have to endure this punishment just because some people decided to selfishly procreate. But anyway I hope that your method isn't so cruelly taken away from you, I understand why you would be comforted by having the method option by your side.

Thank you. It was a horrible situation to be in, I'm glad I received peer support from this website. This website is such a valuable resource. I hate this anti-suicide society too. We are brought into this cruel world, yet we are forced to stay here? How does that make any sense? Procreation is absolutely selfish. I am an anti-natalist for sure. The world has only gotten more cruel albeit this quality is more hidden in the past. Thus I think procreating is one of the most selfish acts someone could ever do. My method seems to be by my side, but it was quite a scare. I hate lying to people. Maybe it's selfish that I keep my method, but I am in no threat immediately. I have been doing much better since obtaining my method. I really appreciate your comment and your legacy on this forum, I hope you eventually find peace with all of your turmoil.

Life is what you make it. I don't mean to get religious, but my belief is life is God's gift to us. Life is literally what you make it. Everyone is allotted an amount of time. Some shorter than others, but it's up to you how you spend it. Just because life is a gift doesn't mean your life couldn't be constant suffering (trust me) it just means you get to exist for some time on this world and then be judged in the next. What you do between now and then is up to you. That's the gift of life.

I am not religious (contrary to my username lol) but I understand what you are saying. I agree that life can be what you make it, but this is very, very difficult for those of us who have been extremely afflicted by curses of suffering and torment. Interesting perspective, I'm glad you don't automatically believe that suffering is justified because life is a gift. Thanks for your reply, very interesting perspectives for me to be open-minded about.