Discussion Please help me understand my brother?

[heavyeyes]

A few months ago I made the mistake of mentioning to my brother that I wish I was dead. He said he would hate he if I killed myself. I don't understand why. We aren't close at all. In fact he ignores me most of the time. In the past he's belittled my mental illness telling me to "just get over it". He's never once tried to help me or be of some support.

I don't care if he hates me or not for what I'll eventually do. I just want to understand his thinking.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think the problem with his thinking is- he just doesn't understand yours. He doesn't see the pain you are in. Like you said- he downplays your mental illness and struggles.

I think there's a possibility some of my friends/ family may feel anger at me if I CTB. I guess I think that they'll be annoyed that I didn't try harder- that I took the 'easy' way out. I think some people feel we have a responsibility to just keep going to be there for one another. (And I completely get the irony- that those same people likely weren't there for us during our lives!)

I suppose the way they see it is- everybody struggles in life but you have to overcome. I suppose they just can't get their heads around the prospect that we don't want to feel this obligation and ultimately, we may choose not to.

I think they see it as selfish to take our own lives because it likely will create grief, possibly guilt and shame. They don't want to be inflicted with all that. I think- rather than really think about what it takes for someone to be so desperately unhappy that they want to end everything, they focus on what impact it will have on them and they resent that.

That's my feeling anyway. I'm sorry about your brother.

 

[UtopianElephant]

Hey, I have a relative similar to this. A fairly smart and successful person, but seemingly clueless and unaware about someone's feelings and views that do not align with his. I do not share less than optimistic thoughts with him, and would never share my thoughts on death or ctb with him.

Please be careful with such people.

 

[Teddybear]

I find it very tricky to judge the social entanglements within a family.

Nobody is able to give an unbiased account of their own position or that of the other relatives.

Maybe you should rather talk with an aquantance (or a trusted friend of the family) about it, who knows you both first hand?

No need to mention any details about your current thoughts on mortallity.

 

[heavyeyes]

I think the problem with his thinking is- he just doesn't understand yours. He doesn't see the pain you are in. Like you said- he downplays your mental illness and struggles.

I think there's a possibility some of my friends/ family may feel anger at me if I CTB. I guess I think that they'll be annoyed that I didn't try harder- that I took the 'easy' way out. I think some people feel we have a responsibility to just keep going to be there for one another. (And I completely get the irony- that those same people likely weren't there for us during our lives!)

I suppose the way they see it is- everybody struggles in life but you have to overcome. I suppose they just can't get their heads around the prospect that we don't want to feel this obligation and ultimately, we may choose not to.

I think they see it as selfish to take our own lives because it likely will create grief, possibly guilt and shame. They don't want to be inflicted with all that. I think- rather than really think about what it takes for someone to be so desperately unhappy that they want to end everything, they focus on what impact it will have on them and they resent that.

That's my feeling anyway. I'm sorry about your brother.

Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply <3

What I got from this is some people I leave behind will always find a way to make it about themselves with no regard for me and what my situation was like when I was alive?

Hey, I have a relative similar to this. A fairly smart and successful person, but seemingly clueless and unaware about someone's feelings and views that do not align with his. I do not share less than optimistic thoughts with him, and would never share my thoughts on death or ctb with him.

Please be careful with such people.

Right usually I'm not so careless to tell people certain people these things but it slipped out. I know very well it could land me in a psych ward which is the last thing I want.

I find it very tricky to judge the social entanglements within a family.

Nobody is able to give an unbiased account of their own position or that of the other relatives.

Maybe you should rather talk with an aquantance (or a trusted friend of the family) about it, who knows you both first hand?

No need to mention any details about your current thoughts on mortallity.

We don't know very many of the same people and I tend not to trust any family or friends of the family because they overreact to everything. I don't want to end up in trouble because I said the wrong thing. I understand what you're saying though.

 

[Forever Sleep]

What I got from this is some people I leave behind will always find a way to make it about themselves with no regard for me and what my situation was like when I was alive?

Yes- I believe so. Partly because they seem unwilling to accept how bad your situation is.

When you think about it- most grief/ shame/ guilt is about our own needs- not the thing we're feeling those things after. We don't want to feel grief but that's unavoidable with a loss. Plus, we want to be forgiven if we feel guilt or shame but that's not possible either if the person has gone.

By taking your own life, you will be proving that your problems WERE serious and that they ought to have been recognised as such. (Not trying to make you feel guilty now- just saying- people must consider this when a suicide takes place- they surely can't chalk it all down to some impulsive act.)

There's this idea of tragedy also when people die- especially when they die young or through suicide- before their time as it were. Although again- this tends to be a viewpoint from a positive person- 'They had so much to live for' blah, blah, blah. Rather than a thought out response that the person in question was suffering unbearably (if they took their own life.)

We grieve for people who die of natural causes too- even though it may have been a happy release for them. We're not really thinking about them when we do this- we're imagining the happier times when they were well and wishing them back again. Sadly, life doesn't work like that. Sometimes, I truly wonder whether- if someones grief is actually more selfless- that they feel like that person missed out by dieing- then surely- they're seeing us differently than how we actually are. I think this comes into play also.

The problem with suicide is- it's a choice- we choose to go- knowing the aftermath it may cause. I think people get angry at the thought that they weren't 'enough' for the person in question to stay for. Plus, if they know in their heart that they could have been more supportive- they likely don't want to feel that guilt that they could have done more.

 

[𖣴 nadia 𖣴]

A few months ago I made the mistake of mentioning to my brother that I wish I was dead. He said he would hate he if I killed myself. I don't understand why. We aren't close at all. In fact he ignores me most of the time. In the past he's belittled my mental illness telling me to "just get over it". He's never once tried to help me or be of some support.

I don't care if he hates me or not for what I'll eventually do. I just want to understand his thinking.

I can only guess, and my answer's probably just based on my experience with narcissistic parents who would've reacted apathetically like your brother did, but it sounds like he just doesn't want to be inconvenienced by your death, everything that would follow, and the stigma/shame of it. He may want you to stick around
because he doesn't want your parents to suffer from grief or because he wants to keep up the facade of a happy/normal family.

 

[Pluto]

Empathy will be lacking in a dysfunctional family, while unreasonable expectations will be present as well. When it is like this, we have to accept that relationships with our own family will only be superficial. It is not like on TV.

You would be better off investing in finding people who are going through the same thing, including groups for people dealing with the same type of psychological struggles.

 

[heavyeyes]

I can only guess, and my answer's probably just based on my experience with narcissistic parents who would've reacted apathetically like your brother did, but it sounds like he just doesn't want to be inconvenienced by your death, everything that would follow, and the stigma/shame of it. He may want you to stick around
because he doesn't want your parents to suffer from grief or because he wants to keep up the facade of a happy/normal family.

He's a selfish asshole so I wouldn't be surprised if this is his way of thinking also.