Please help me find the courage

[MicahBell]

I was supposed to be dead yesterday. I have to go back to work tomorrow and I just can't do it. I had the ratchet looped around my neck and suddenly I just got afraid for my family. I don't really want to die, I just want things to get better, but they're never gonna get better and I have to die. Please help me find the courage to leave them behind because I can't stand working anymore, and I'm failing in my classes. I've mentally prepared to die so many times I dont know why i cant do it

 

[BPDtgirl]

hey man, firstly i'm sorry that you're going through this stuff right now. i feel u and it sucks.

i would never want to tell anyone how to feel or whether they should or shouldn't live, especially here. But I just want to draw attention to the fact you said ''i dont want to die''. If you don't want to die, don't do it. its irreversible, you should absolutely be 100% sure.

''i just want things to get better'', this also says something. It sounds like you're not 100% sure. I'm sorry, forgive me if i am just assuming, this is all just text on a screen and i know nothing about you or your situation. Please just have a think about this.

 

[MicahBell]

hey man, firstly i'm sorry that you're going through this stuff right now. i feel u and it sucks.

i would never want to tell anyone how to feel or whether they should or shouldn't live, especially here. But I just want to draw attention to the fact you said ''i dont want to die''. If you don't want to die, don't do it. its irreversible, you should absolutely be 100% sure.

''i just want things to get better'', this also says something. It sounds like you're not 100% sure. I'm sorry, forgive me if i am just assuming, this is all just text on a screen and i know nothing about you or your situation. Please just have a think about this.

Im probably not 100% yeah. theres a lot of good things i dont want to leave behind but still it doesnt feel like i have a choice. its a horrible feeling isnt it

 

[BPDtgirl]

it is a feeling i wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy and it is a tragedy that you feel that way. nobody in a good state of mind ends up on this corner of the internet, but just know myself and everyone reading your posts here understand that feeling.

but please please please don't hurt your body if you are not 100% sure then you need to continue to consider options, you said you want things to get better (of course, we all do in these situations) so, just from one hopeless stranger to another, ponder this a little bit more.

I'm not sure if you have already seen or heard of this, but there is a little graphic that helps me to figure out where i am on the 'scale' of things. Maybe you can take a quick look over this and figure out where you are on this scale? Either way, I hope you find peace in whatever happens :)

 

[Exhausted546]

We can't help you find motivation to end it. It's something you must decide for yourself. I fully relate to you, it's been a couple days I was supposed to be dead, sometimes I'm determined to do it,sometimes not so much. this forum is only here to safely assist in the setup for your method of choice but ultimately only you can decide whether to go through with it or give life another try.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make

 

[KenDuh]

I can't really give you courage or tell you what to do, but anyway, I hope things get better for you. It's not my place to tell you whether to die or not, but take it easy and decide carefully. It's not a decision to be taken lightly or at a bad time. I'm sorry I can't do much for you, but I hope everything goes well.

 

[Exhausted546]

it is a feeling i wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy and it is a tragedy that you feel that way. nobody in a good state of mind ends up on this corner of the internet, but just know myself and everyone reading your posts here understand that feeling.

but please please please don't hurt your body if you are not 100% sure then you need to continue to consider options, you said you want things to get better (of course, we all do in these situations) so, just from one hopeless stranger to another, ponder this a little bit more.

I'm not sure if you have already seen or heard of this, but there is a little graphic that helps me to figure out where i am on the 'scale' of things. Maybe you can take a quick look over this and figure out where you are on this scale? Either way, I hope you find peace in whatever happens :)

View attachment 191336

How many here are at 9-10? I've been at 9-10 since december

 

[BPDtgirl]

How many here are at 9-10? I've been at 9-10 since december

I was at 10 before i got sent to hopital

i think im a 7 right now. exhausting init

 

[Reishi]

How many here are at 9-10? I've been at 9-10 since december

I'm constantly at a 9 ...

 

[MicahBell]

it is a feeling i wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy and it is a tragedy that you feel that way. nobody in a good state of mind ends up on this corner of the internet, but just know myself and everyone reading your posts here understand that feeling.

but please please please don't hurt your body if you are not 100% sure then you need to continue to consider options, you said you want things to get better (of course, we all do in these situations) so, just from one hopeless stranger to another, ponder this a little bit more.

I'm not sure if you have already seen or heard of this, but there is a little graphic that helps me to figure out where i am on the 'scale' of things. Maybe you can take a quick look over this and figure out where you are on this scale? Either way, I hope you find peace in whatever happens :)

View attachment 191336

i think there really is no other option, since i have no future lol. but i'm still afraid. so if i fail to do it tonight i'm gonna think it over until my 19th birthday in a couple weeks. thanks for your kind words, made me think. i hope things get better for you

 

[M Berry M]

How many here are at 9-10? I've been at 9-10 since december

At an 8.5 I'd say constantly sometimes switching between 8 and 9 SI is a bitch if it wasn't for that I'd be long gone

 

[MicahBell]

its 1:30 in the morning. just finished writing 4 pages of a suicide note and im gonna go take a walk in the park. trying to see something worth sticking around for but none of it is good enough to surmount my misery. feeing calmer. i guess we'll see.

 

[MicahBell]

everyone dies at some point. im sad for my mom and my brother, but at some point their grief will ease and they'll have gone without me longer than they were with me. i'll do it in the morning. cup of tea and the sun rise isnt the worst as far as last looks go. if im not back thanks everyone on SaSu, love you all

 

[Terrible_Life]

everyone dies at some point. im sad for my mom and my brother, but at some point their grief will ease and they'll have gone without me longer than they were with me. i'll do it in the morning. cup of tea and the sun rise isnt the worst as far as last looks go. if im not back thanks everyone on SaSu, love you all

Hi, its really interesting how equally both our situations are because I also feel like this. I plan to die this friday and I really had and still have these debates with myself but in the end I realized that my life can't change into a good and happy life because I am too ill.
If I don't ctb now I will get punished because I am kinda in a hurry so theres that….I guess thats one final punch in the stomach from the universe to me not even being calm in my final days but instead in constant fear.

 

[MicahBell]

everyone dies at some point. im sad for my mom and my brother, but at some point their grief will ease and they'll have gone without me longer than they were with me. i'll do it in the morning. cup of tea and the sun rise isnt the worst as far as last looks go. if im not back thanks everyone on SaSu, love you all

Suns coming up now. I feel tired. I realise now that no matter how much I delay it, it'll never make my family hurt less. I guess its time to go.