Hi. I recently turn 18 a couple of months ago and am still living with my parents. I have done my a levels so maybe it would be easier to wait till university to do this where no one could stop me from leaving this hell hole. I have been having these thoughts for roughly 7 years now with at 12 going to CAMHs though that never really help me. All they did was pump me up with meds and expect me to just be happier. Everyone says it will get better but the truth is it doesn't. I don't understand why society is so against suicide, we have a overpopulation problem and also we have 'free will'. So why stop us?
I have planned a date for this ( 25th of July ) which is only a couple of weeks away. I have wrote the letters for people so they understand why I did this and that they were very special to me. I also wanted them to not blame themselves. Though I have 2 problems/questions.
I am still stuck on what method I should use? I have read so many articles about people who have been paralyzed from hanging themselves the wrong way or the NHS managing to bring people back from overdose. Medical is so advance these days, I am worried people wont let me be and accept, even if they do not like it, my decision. I also don't want a painful way, I know this is a lot to ask, killing yourself is not so easy as it sounds. I have tried before. My final thing is that it should be easy to access without my parents noticing. As I said before I still live with my parents, I don't think they will be too happy catching their only child attempting suicide again.
I am worried about what will happen to my mum when I am gone. I guess the only reason for me waiting this long is my mum. Through the emotional abuse my dad puts me through, my mum is all I have. I have asd, my dad just always say 'why can't i have a normal daughter' ' Stop being spoilt, the music isn't that loud' etc. I am sure he loves me in his own ways. There is more but i would rather not talk about it due to bringing back a lot of painful memories. Though I know I was never his first priority, to him showing you love your own child is spoiling them. I remember being 5 asking for a chocolate bar, a simple chocolate bar, in reply I got I was stupid and worthless. He contributes to my death and deep down I think he will know that especially since I never wrote him a letter. Though without me, I am worried about my mum, will she receive more hurtful comment, maybe she will realise what a jerk he is and leave him or maybe she will follow my path. That is my worse fear, following my path, the world don't deserve my mother, she is too kind for her own good though hopefully she will make a difference when I am gone. She is so passionate about things, when I was diagnosed with asd, she set up a social group for teens with high functioning asd so I didn't feel alone. Maybe she will help people like me get away from people like my dad. However I won't know because I will be gone by them. I know my mother will be devastated by this though I don't want her to come with me, she is too special for that. How do I leave my mother without any reassurance that she will be okay and not do the same solution with me. In life though there is no 100% certainty other than death itself.
Thank you for reading this, advice will be very much appreciated.
I have planned a date for this ( 25th of July ) which is only a couple of weeks away. I have wrote the letters for people so they understand why I did this and that they were very special to me. I also wanted them to not blame themselves. Though I have 2 problems/questions.
I am still stuck on what method I should use? I have read so many articles about people who have been paralyzed from hanging themselves the wrong way or the NHS managing to bring people back from overdose. Medical is so advance these days, I am worried people wont let me be and accept, even if they do not like it, my decision. I also don't want a painful way, I know this is a lot to ask, killing yourself is not so easy as it sounds. I have tried before. My final thing is that it should be easy to access without my parents noticing. As I said before I still live with my parents, I don't think they will be too happy catching their only child attempting suicide again.
I am worried about what will happen to my mum when I am gone. I guess the only reason for me waiting this long is my mum. Through the emotional abuse my dad puts me through, my mum is all I have. I have asd, my dad just always say 'why can't i have a normal daughter' ' Stop being spoilt, the music isn't that loud' etc. I am sure he loves me in his own ways. There is more but i would rather not talk about it due to bringing back a lot of painful memories. Though I know I was never his first priority, to him showing you love your own child is spoiling them. I remember being 5 asking for a chocolate bar, a simple chocolate bar, in reply I got I was stupid and worthless. He contributes to my death and deep down I think he will know that especially since I never wrote him a letter. Though without me, I am worried about my mum, will she receive more hurtful comment, maybe she will realise what a jerk he is and leave him or maybe she will follow my path. That is my worse fear, following my path, the world don't deserve my mother, she is too kind for her own good though hopefully she will make a difference when I am gone. She is so passionate about things, when I was diagnosed with asd, she set up a social group for teens with high functioning asd so I didn't feel alone. Maybe she will help people like me get away from people like my dad. However I won't know because I will be gone by them. I know my mother will be devastated by this though I don't want her to come with me, she is too special for that. How do I leave my mother without any reassurance that she will be okay and not do the same solution with me. In life though there is no 100% certainty other than death itself.
Thank you for reading this, advice will be very much appreciated.
