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i am so lainpilled :3 (? days left)
- Apr 15, 2023
- 240
I'm so done with existence and just wish I could press a button to end it all immediately. So sick of my worthless existence, I'm considering writing a will but that may be too suspicious. Just sick of being a fucking worthless freak who exists solely to disappoint everyone and everything. Wherever I go I'm just a fucking social outcast freak because I've always just had pretty rubbish issues with my social skills and other things which are likely autism that have just made my life a truly hellish experience. Fuck my stupid retard narcissist mother for nicking my psych referral papers from when I tried to make a difference in my fucking life. I had to exert so much of myself just to get them since I live with pretty awful executive dysfunction and social anxiety that makes it difficult to function like a regular human being. I could've maybe been close to turning my life around but no, that dumb fucking worthless cow felt the need to rummage around my room and just steal them basically (and continues to deny it since that bitch has never taken accountability for anything in her worthless life). So here I am now, continuing to be a socially inept freak who won't even be able to walk at graduation with my peers and will have to merely exist in the audience and pretend that I don't feel excruciating pain from seeing others on stage (if I even go at all atp because it may be a massive trigger) and I'm probably gonna get kicked out of my online course if I don't submit an assignment by Wednesday but executive dysfunction is just really kicking my ass so I will likely become a NEET atp. It's inevitable but personally I don't want to do that, so I've been researching suicide methods. I once had access this fairly obscure website from the early 2000s which provides information on suicide methods and tried finding it on duckduckgo but to no avail. It's literally just helpline propaganda now like fuck this, literally no helpful resources. Why the fuck would I call a helpline? Like as if I would willingly allow myself to be arrested, talked down to and potentially imprisoned only to leave more hollow than before? I wish I could just fucking die. I have more than enough money to get SN but apparently police raids keep happening everywhere and I'm not risking that personally since, combined with my record, that's literally a guaranteed trip to the psych ward for a month or more. I don't have an exact plan but I was thinking of travelling deep into the nearby national park around the evening and maybe combining hanging and sleeping pills?? (Don't rlly have access to sleeping pills but I can always head to the local hardware store for a good rope buy may have to buy other stuff so it doesn't seem too suspicious). I'll probably also wipe/destroy all of my devices and internet accounts just because (I'll keep the posts on this acc just because idk) and I'll definitely pen a letter summarising why I did it. It has to be short and sweet so I don't accidentally start self reflecting and thinking "hey maybe life is worth living" (cringe ikr). The most important part is to act normal in front of others and not start rambling about how much you appreciate them or "the ephemeral nature of life" or some philosophical bs. Basically I'll just say I'm heading to the library, catch a train out and never return. This was long but I may purchase the rope today and just have it around until I've come up with a more solid CTB plan
