Discussion Planning for the future, yet simultaneously plotting to ctb

[-nobodyknows-]

Does anyone else do this?

It seems rather contradictory. I guess it's a sign that I don't really want to die, but for my life to be different. I've always been a planner though, thinking about the future and the like. I just like having options I guess, in case something doesn't work out.

It's funny though. I don't know which one is the contingency plan.

 

[iknewitallalong]

yes same.i'm currently buying sn and applying to jobs at the same time. I want to see my life turn out differently very badly. There are just so many things i haven't done yet at the same time i actually think i'll never get to accomplish these things

 

[meltskelt]

Does anyone else do this?

It seems rather contradictory. I guess it's a sign that I don't really want to die, but for my life to be different. I've always been a planner though, thinking about the future and the like. I just like having options I guess, in case something doesn't work out.

It's funny though. I don't know which one is the contingency plan.

maybe is more like " if something happens and I'm unable to ctb, at least there is something else"

 

[Ariii]

Yep, I'm afraid that I won't have the courage to do it, so I do things to make sure my life won't be as messed up as it could be

 

[CatLvr]

Oh yes! I have done this my entire life -- even when I was a kid, weighing the "what is" against the "what if". I have always had what I've been told is an "old soul."

On one hand it is exhausting. On the other hand, I have had experiences that brought me so much joy it was incomprehensible (the birth of each of my children, for example). But then again, I have lost track of the nights I have wished with every fiber of my being I would just stop breathing -- mostly because of my screwed up brain and chemistry that is the result of severe and prolonged physical and psychological abuse at the hands of relatives. Nothing is going to change the issues I deal with. They just are what they are.

The single best friend anyone could have ever had in this world died quite unexpectedly in her sleep many years ago. This woman did not have an enemy in this world. She was one of those extraordinary spirits who could figure out how to solve any problem, no matter how bad it seemed to be and never met a person who didn't come to adore her in short order. I feel her loss as much now as I did the morning I got the phone call from her wife. She's the last irl positive relationship I've had, (and truthfully the only real friend I've EVER had in my life). I do still talk to her throughout my days and I do feel her presence with me always. She was (and still is) the absolute embodiment of what we all wish for in a friend.

While we all can't go for dinner and drinks any longer (there were several of us from work that met up for dinner and drinks a couple times a month when she was still with us), I can still feel her presence. In fact, it was her spirit that comforted and protected me when I had my accident a few years ago. An accident that should have killed me. But didn't because, she explained to me while I laid under that car that it simply wasn't my time to join her.

I wanted to go. I was ready. And at the time I was VERY angry that I couldn't "just die and get it over with". But dammit she was right. I may not understand it, and I may be absolutely gutted by this world at times, but there are things here that I need to do. And things I need to finish. Many of those things I am not even aware of yet, haven't even started. Even though I don't know what so many of those things are, I know she would not mislead me.

Interestingly I feel that most of these things are not for me, but for other people. There are people who need me -- some I already know, some are not yet in my life, but that does not change the fact that no matter how miserable I may be, I still have the ability -- and therefore a duty -- to stay and try to do some good in this world. For now, anyway.

So. Until I have accomplished whatever it is I have been put here to do, I will continue to have my ups and downs. I will continue to love my pets and wonder why, for a species that is capable of so much innovation and yes, love for their fellow man, humans are also the cruelest, most cold-blooded, meanest creatures in the universe.

As for my husband -- that man. Oof. He loves what I do for him and is greatly perturbed if his idea of life is rattled in any way. And I suppose he does love me, but he is very immature. I did, indeed, marry my father and that is not necessarily a good thing given how dysfunctional my family is. However, he has learned that I do have boundaries and if he enjoys the life we have, then he'd best not cross those lines. I take good care of him. He does absolutely nothing but go to work. And come home. Anything else he does is because he wants to -- hobbies, hanging with buddies, whatever he wants. He has no responsibilities outside of going to a 40 hour a week job. I do everything else -- take care of the house, lawn and cars. Pay the bills, do the investing, make sure he has the money for whatever he thinks he needs or wants. And in return he provides me with a lifestyle I would otherwise not have, given my age and physical limitations. It seems a fair trade.

My goodness. It appears I may have needed to get a few things off my chest.

Tl;dr -- I am a basket case.

 

[AllAlone]

I only plan for the future to keep my parents happy. I don't care what happens to me and I just want to die but obviously I can't tell anyone that. I have to pretend to care about the future to keep them from suspecting I am suicidal.

 

[Echo]

Well I worry about the future in case i dont manage to ctb. So i plan out different scenarios in my head. The latest idea is to do part time study so I can get a better paying job. Sometimes I have hope. But other times i just think fuck it, seriously what is the point.

 

[atdusk]

Not entirely. If I commit suicide it will be a fight with myself in a moment of unbearable pain, not something I will have planned calmly. Problem is, I've had many of these moments and each time I've done it in a more sophisticated way (writing notes, caring about the way they would find me and such).

On the other hand I do plans for the future, the problem is I don't know which is my goal, so I plan the minimum possible to confront what is coming (paying taxes, professional duties...), trying to avoid that things get worse.

So yes. I have a plan A and a plan B. I don't want to die, but I don't see a point in living.

 

[Hotsackage]

If I ever choose this route hopefully MAID in canada will stop jerkin people around for mental illness and supply it. I don't even know why they delayed it, it's not a form eugenics, there are people are basically bed ridden cause their brains are not working properly. Sorry kind of went in a tangent here.

 

[enduringwinter]

I am genuinely stuck at any way out for my future hence planning to ctb by June 2025. I'll continue to do my things til then tho.

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

Does anyone else do this?

It seems rather contradictory. I guess it's a sign that I don't really want to die, but for my life to be different. I've always been a planner though, thinking about the future and the like. I just like having options I guess, in case something doesn't work out.

It's funny though. I don't know which one is the contingency plan.

I'm doing exactly the same!! I always loved to plan as well and now I have these two totally different ideas of my future in my head, it's interesting and funny in a way. If you ever want to talk more about this, feel free to message me.
Wishing you the best!

 

[LittleMoose]

I catch myself doing this all the time. Not so much long-term anymore, but I'll find myself thinking about stuff I have to do in a few months time. Then I remember that it's probably not going to matter.

 

[BRAINWORMS]

Does anyone else do this?

It seems rather contradictory. I guess it's a sign that I don't really want to die, but for my life to be different. I've always been a planner though, thinking about the future and the like. I just like having options I guess, in case something doesn't work out.

It's funny though. I don't know which one is the contingency plan.

Yes! I'm researching grad schools while also trying to make sure the SN I bought back in 2020 is still good.

 

[BlockHammer]

Man it's a rare thing to found someone who's had a similar mindset as i do, just like you said, currently im still working on myself like learning new skill/language to improve myself, applying for a job despite most of them resulted in me being ignored, while doing so, im also planned my CTB (haven't brought the necesary substance yet) but i have an idea of what methode im planning to used.

Currently im still working on myself but if i didn't meet my goal then i'll have to say goodbye to this world.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Does anyone else do this?

It seems rather contradictory. I guess it's a sign that I don't really want to die, but for my life to be different. I've always been a planner though, thinking about the future and the like. I just like having options I guess, in case something doesn't work out.

It's funny though. I don't know which one is the contingency plan.

I have said my story on here. How I was the victim of crimes and that's why i am on here. How *everything* was stolen from me. I have thought about what may happen in the unlikely event I do get restitution and my life is in part restored. It's been what has kept me alive. It's hard to know what it will look like if it does happen but it is something I do think about. But on the otherhand. My life is incomprehensibly miserable. I am suffering immensely. It's like being lit on fire while everyone passes by you with fire extinguishers. I have waited and tried to claw, scratch, and hold on for as long as possible. But my will and hope are running dry. If some progress isn't made very soon I am just going to end things. This isn't worth it. Even if best case scenario happens. The only thing that will be given is money. My family will be gone. I still won't have a career. I won't have friends. To be honest all I will have is financial security (maybe) and honestly that just isn't enough. Plus my life will have been sacrificed by so many people for their own sick and twisted gains. Everyday that passes is another day stolen. And honestly I am sick of having a front row seat to my life being snatched away from me one day at a time.

 

[abchia]

I've always been a short term planner because I could never see ahead more than a year or two. Mostly to keep everyone around me not suspicious until its too late for them to do anything about me

 

[itwasallascream]

Does anyone else do this?

It seems rather contradictory. I guess it's a sign that I don't really want to die, but for my life to be different. I've always been a planner though, thinking about the future and the like. I just like having options I guess, in case something doesn't work out.

It's funny though. I don't know which one is the contingency plan.

800 million%
I just booked loads of stuff for August and September and I am planning a trip to Italy in October. I also just bought a new test for my SN.
I think it both actions help me but I am not sure it is enough and so if the tests are OK, I think I will ctb
I know I sound ridiculous (Italy or CTB? mmmm) but Italy and the other stuff would just be a distraction from my pain and then I have to come back and live it all so no thanks