Planning CTB; need help

[mcp9090]

I thank you if you take the time out of your day to read this and reply in advance. So here it goes:

I'm starting to really think about CTB. I feel like I could do it in a month or two if things don't get better in my life. Looking at different methods, I'm interested in the sodium nitrate (SN) and shallow water blackout methods. I am open to other methods, but these seem to be more agreeable for me. I can feel that CTB is the light at the end of the road, but I don't know how to deal with the guilt and idea of being gone. I just want to quit. I don't know what to do and if I should break up with my girlfriend before I do it. I'm feeling lost, but know after lots of thinking and talking with others that I might get answers I am looking for.

I (23M) had lost a lot in 2020 when I was in the USA. My job, my family, my friends, no money, bad housing... except for my ex. I was pushed to join the military by my family and eventually did not to go through with the boot camp otherwise I'd lose my ex. I started a tutoring online to make extra money, but it wasn't enough. Shortly after quitting the boot camp, covid-19 started and my ex had to go back to China. I moved to Europe in hope to find a better job to get to her faster, but eventually my online tutoring became good enough for me to live off of and save extra money. I wanted to go to China to be with my ex, but after 1.5 years of being in long distance due to covid regulations and closed borders, I lost hope. We mutually ended the relationship and it really hurt. I quickly got a rebound relationship. Stupidly, I moved cities to be with a new girl I didn't get to know enough of... in hope everything would magically be better. Unsurprisingly, it didn't get better. I rented a small studio near her dorm and she moved in with me the same day I did. I thought nothing much of it and was just excited to be with someone again. She didn't care that I had just broken up and said it wasn't her problem. The healing process was very tough and I regret getting in a relationship again so quickly. My girlfriend is very negative and always wants things her way. She guilt trips me when she isn't happy and thinks I should spend all of my free time with her. It's a toxic relationship and we both know it. But to be honest, I don't know what I would've done if I actually didn't get into this relationship, but CTB was on my mind after breaking up with my ex. I think I was scared and not ready to CTB, so I got in this relationship to avoid the truth.

After a few months together, I had become really mentally unstable and started to drink a lot when we fought. I knew I was in a bad relationship, but never ended it because I was scared and not ready to CTB. I became more unstable as time went on. After an argument one afternoon, I started drinking beers and a bottle of whisky. I ended up throwing and breaking things and choose to hang myself. As I was setting up, I just had so much guilt and cried in desperation for the rest of the night. She tried to comfort me when she saw what was happening. But she ended making a remark guilt tripping me and blaming me for lots of things. At that point, I was just done. I opened the window and put one of my legs on the ledge and starting to push myself up ready to jump down to the end. Right before I had both legs on the, she pulled me back and guarded the window preventing me from trying again.

That was my last attempt. I know that I should be there for her, but I've tried hard for almost a year and half to please her. She doesn't see it. I really like being with her and she's all I have left, but she does not want to change. I am too tired to keep trying and nothing changing. It's not her fault I want to die. It's everything around me and that I have nothing else to live for. I stopped working more often taking days off just to sulk around and think about my life and my future. I don't think I would be happy in the future with her or alone. I'm not close to anyone in my family and I don't want to be because they say I am a burden and get in their way. I have no real friends. I don't know what I like anymore. I don't enjoy much now.

 

[Jimblue]

I am very sorry to hear that. Sounds like you have been through a lot.

China's lock down feels like going be forever. Sometimes people are just unhappy, there is nothing you can do about that. I am not sure if you are Chinese, seems not to me.

I have ordered my SN today, someone give me a list of the drugs in other day that can use with SN. He said it will works like N. If you want that list. I can dig out for you.

 

[mcp9090]

China's lock down feels like going be forever. Sometimes people are just unhappy, there is nothing you can do about that. I am not sure if you are Chinese, seems not to me.

Thats right

I have ordered my SN today, someone give me a list of the drugs in other day that can use with SN. He said it will works like N. If you want that list. I can dig out for you.

I would actually like that, thank you. Although, I'm new here so I don't think I can send or receive private messages yet. I am planning on ordering my SN this weekend. I saw a chart for how much water and g of SN you should use, if you don't already have that maybe you can look into it. Apparently, it varies on your weight for the right dose or it might not work or you'll just puke.

 

[Jimblue]

Thats right

I would actually like that, thank you. Although, I'm new here so I don't think I can send or receive private messages yet. I am planning on ordering my SN this weekend. I saw a chart for how much water and g of SN you should use, if you don't already have that maybe you can look into it. Apparently, it varies on your weight for the right dose or it might not work or you'll just puke.

"
Yes, if you're diligent and follow the Stan's method, the chances of possible complications are very low. You can also add benzos, mouth numbing pastilles and especially fasting into the equation. Painkillers work the best again the uncomfortable feeling.

Most complications are from people who were not able to follow all recommendations. And even if they failed, nothing serious happened to them, because the effects of SN are reversible. You either CTB or recover, no long-term damage. It is because of the mechanism im which SN works."

This from a kind gentleman who responded to me. Seems use this method is can make it less uncomfortable.

 

[mcp9090]

"
Yes, if you're diligent and follow the Stan's method, the chances of possible complications are very low. You can also add benzos, mouth numbing pastilles and especially fasting into the equation. Painkillers work the best again the uncomfortable feeling.

Most complications are from people who were not able to follow all recommendations. And even if they failed, nothing serious happened to them, because the effects of SN are reversible. You either CTB or recover, no long-term damage. It is because of the mechanism im which SN works."

This from a kind gentleman who responded to me. Seems use this method is can make it less uncomfortable.

Yeah, I'm going to go over Stan's method later on
I'd like to smoke some big fat joints before I ctb, you don't think it would affect it, right?

 

[Jimblue]

Yeah, I'm going to go over Stan's method later on
I'd like to smoke some big fat joints before I ctb, you don't think it would affect it, right?

I think it's really good idea. I should do to too.

 

[mcp9090]

I think it's really good idea. I should do to too.

I read that you shouldn't drink alcohol so I figured I'd make a schedule something like:
smoke
pop pills
smoke until it's time to take the SN solution
and keep smoking until i CTB

Although, I would like a backup plan in case i don't ctb successfully.
I was thinking shallow water blackout drowning, but that might be hard after a failed SN attempt. I'm not sure about it and I'd have to be around a body of water to take SN, I might not choose that kind of place to CTB

Choosing a spot is difficult. I don't want to do it at home, but have no idea where to do it

 

[Jimblue]

I am heavy smoker, I really need a cigarette to help my anxiety and emotions before I CTB.

No, home is not a good idea unless you live alone. However even choose hotel, need to book for few days to delay the time people to find you to check out.

Also I am thinking if I should travel to different city etc. The travel cost and hotel fees is not going to be cheap. That's really pain.

 

[mcp9090]

No, home is not a good idea unless you live alone. However even choose hotel, need to book for few days to delay the time people to find you to check out.

Also I am thinking if I should travel to different city etc. The travel cost and hotel fees is not going to be cheap. That's really pain.

Yeah, I have roommates. There was a person a few floors above us who killed herself this month. Saw the coroner's car, police, ambulance, and all. Her roommates seemed pretty messed up from seeing it. I don't want to do that to my girlfriend and roommates. I'll definitely have to go somewhere far, perhaps isolated? Well money isn't really an issue once you ctb eh so i won't matter unless you back out of it and waste all the money

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have suffered a lot and I understand feeling so tired this life. I know that it can be hard to carry on existing when everything feels so hopeless. I wish you the best with your plans and I hope that you find freedom.

 

[Jimblue]

Yeah, I have roommates. There was a person a few floors above us who killed herself this month. Saw the coroner's car, police, ambulance, and all. Her roommates seemed pretty messed up from seeing it. I don't want to do that to my girlfriend and roommates. I'll definitely have to go somewhere far, perhaps isolated? Well money isn't really an issue once you ctb eh so i won't matter unless you back out of it and waste all the money

It's very obviously that good idea if you have live with someone. It makes it hard to successfully and if it's failed I guess landlord will kick you out. Sounds like you are very nice man who cares about others.

Perhaps a hotel is majority people's choice. I have to pay day by day living cost until I CTB and I don't have any savings. I can not do a big move like sell my car, that's too suspicious.

I am not sure if you live in uk or not. If so I guess if you failed. Probably will end up in mental illness hospital. That's sure, if failed, life will be just harder.

 

[makethepainstop]

I wish I could divine some solution for you, please consider all possibilities.
Hasty actions do not always end as planned.

 

[cherry7]

I am very sorry to hear that. Sounds like you have been through a lot.

China's lock down feels like going be forever. Sometimes people are just unhappy, there is nothing you can do about that. I am not sure if you are Chinese, seems not to me.

I have ordered my SN today, someone give me a list of the drugs in other day that can use with SN. He said it will works like N. If you want that list. I can dig out for you.

Hey- I'm interested to know the list of drugs too. Any chance you can pm me?